Madeleine Knight | Contributing Writer | Friday, 26 December 2014

How To Swerve That Threesome Your Boyfriend Was Planning On Getting You For Christmas

The Debrief: Diversion tactics in case you suspect the iPad you bought him this year isn't going to cut it...

I am not averse to the idea of threesomes in general. I'm no stranger to the man-sandwich or the frisky turn at a dwindling houseparty when the whisky bottles are dry. But I was single then and my attachment to anyone involved ended when my cab arrived. #thosewerethebloodydays

Having a threesome with a boyfriend is a whole different ballgame with a whole different set of rules. None of which I find particularly conducive to a fun sexy sex time.

My boyfriend, like most men, however, is gagging for it. Over the course of the year I have watched him dance around the subject, like an elephant in ballet shoes, delivering subtle hints such as downloading the 3ndr app onto my phone and waiting for me to mention it. He's still waiting.

As much as I'd love to be that try-sexual unicorn of a girlfriend, I'm just not that up for it. Firstly female neuroticism ensures I already manage an extensive list of insecurities. The last thing I need is to add another female to my sexual stew and scald myself in a bubbling cauldron of comparison. Does he prefer her body? Are her boobs better? Legs longer? Stomach flatter? He's never going to want to have sex with me again!!! AAAGGH I HATE MYSELF!! I can imagine myself bowing out half way, drinking heavily in the corner, with front row seats to an amateur live sex show I never wanted to see. 

Secondly, whilst I appreciate muffdiving may be a sexually gratifying activity for over half the population, I'm just not much of a fan. Don't get me wrong, I think boobs are mega sexy lolz,  but when it comes to below the belt, I have to hold my hands up and out myself as the rubbishest bisexual in sextown.  

Lastly, I just don't like the idea of him having sex with someone who is not me. Bearing witness to it is unlikely to dilute that discomfort. The same applies for when he takes a shit. I don't want to think about it and I DEFINITELY don't want to have to be in the room while it happens. 

Wriggling out of the situation, time and time again can be tough. Luckily I have devised a few tactics which have got me this far and I intend to keep me going until I decide I am polyamorous and want to live in a sex commune.. .so the end of next year basically.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

Nietzche said 'Hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs mans torment' But fuck it. Never say 'no' just 'not today.' Buying time might be the best option for you too.  Maybe when you hit your sexual peak you'll want nothing but gang bangs for breakfast and weekend outings to the Torture Garden.  

Shoe on the Other Foot 

If he wants to watch you have full sex with the same gender - what's to say you haven't been harbouring the same desires? Maybe, since puberty, you have had a recurring fantasy to be the dominatrix prison ward happening upon a randy inmate and his prison bitch? Isn't it only fair he addresses your desires if you are to satisfy his? Of course it is! Find the most sexually threatening man on Grindr to add to the mix.

Bad Taste

'Threesome? SURE! But I get to pick the girl.' A common arrangement and seemingly a really good deal for him. Until it becomes clear your taste in women isn't exactly what he has been expecting. 'When did my girlfriend acquire a granny in lycra fetish?!' says he. 'When you started reading that book on subliminal messaging for sexual persuasion' comes the resounding reply. 

Throw Money at the Situation

If all he want for Christmas is you... and someone else, then he probably won't want that 5* holiday in Bora Bora you were planning. The financial stakes of playing this game are high so this very much depends on the price you are willing to pay to eliminate Christmas Clunge from your list of 'Things to do before you die.' 

Get him hooked on something else

My friend substituted drinking for Class A's and is having a whale of a time. Point being, there are always other ways to have fun. Tell him you'd rather be strapped to a Harley Davidson wearing nothing but nipple clamps and a gimp mask and watch his threesome fetish disappear faster than you can say Pervert. Alternatively, this might be the time to lift the anal ban.

Merry Christmas!

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

How To Have Alone Sexy Time When You're In A Relationship 

What Happens When A Sex Blogger Asks For Performance Reviews From Her Sex 

An Advanced Guide To Double Penetration 

Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock, Sex Ed