How To Strip - Even If The Thought Of It Terrifies You
The Debrief: Tempted to put on a comedy accent to make it less awkward? Don't do that
Stripping. It’s something we all do – unless you’ve literally never removed an item of clothing – but it’s not something we’re all necessarily good at in a sexy way.
There are only three things someone could say in the bedroom that’ll make me laugh hysterically: ‘Why don’t you do a striptease?’, ‘Nobody’s ever faked it with me, I know that for a fact’ and any quote from Airplane! (it’s a good film).
The thought of removing clothes in an ordered fashion is mind boggling as it is, without having to actively try and look sexy while doing it. It takes me long enough to get my trousers off when I’m on my own, and I once totally did my back in and had to forgo an exam after putting on a sock.
But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. Sex is basically comprised of maybe a thousand different combinations, positions and terrifying sounding fetishes that we should never close our minds to, even if you think you might do your back in – so I spoke to Tara from Bristol Pole Athletes and MoveGB on how to give a striptease a go if you’re, say, really liable to put on a stupid accent in an attempt to ease the awkwardness.
Practise by yourself
Putting on Drunk In Love and taking your clothes off doesn’t make it a striptease. In fact, it could be both dangerous and terrifying if you haven’t at least watched yourself do it at some point to prepare.
‘I’d say start off in shorts and a T-shirt and have a mess around in the mirror to get to know what moves look good for your body,’ says Tara. ‘There are good YouTube how-tos and if you check out Usher or Chris Brown’s music videos, there are some moves you can steal from there.’
Don’t watch movie stripteases though – Tara warns they’re a pile of shit. I'm paraphrasing, obviously, she actually said, ‘They’re rubbish.’
Don’t show your tits
At least, not immediately. Apparently, stripping is about concealing as much as it is about thrusting your boobs in someone’s face (actually, it’s never about thrusting your boobs in someone’s face).
‘Practicing in front of the mirror, and working out a whole routine will help because you’ll be able to see what’s going on where,’ says Tara. ‘You want to put your left leg in front of yourself when, for example, you go down to the floor so the other person doesn’t see everything that’s going on down there!’
Also, you don’t have to go right down to your birthday suit either. Ending a striptease in your bra and (nice) pants is totally fine, because once you start taking your bra off you can do some clever, subtle ‘OK you can come over and bone me against this wall now’ facial expressions which a) gets you off the hook and b) gets you boned against a wall.
Eye contact is crucial
Don’t break eye contact with the person – which is why having a lot of confidence in what you’re doing is really important. Nobody wants to watch someone they love take their clothes off with the eyes of a deer that’s about to get shot.
Think of it like this: the better your eye contact, the less they’re noticing the probably slightly pedestrian dance moves you’re doing. You can get away with murder (not actual murder) if you look them in the eyes.
‘You’re trying to make your partner feel what you’re feeling through your eyes,’ says Tara. ‘See it like they’re a snake being controlled by a charmer. You’ve got their full attention, and they’re more focused on what you’re projecting than your actual body, so there’s room for error.’
Don’t do it drunk
One or two glasses of wine, not the whole bottle. You’ll end up setting fire to your vagina.
Choose the clothes you’ll strip out of wisely
Don’t try to get out of leather trousers. Don’t try to get out of a top with 14 tiny catches down the back. Or a bodycon dress.
‘I would say go for a dress, or a skirt and a top. They’re easier to take off in a sexy way than pulling a jumper over your head,’ says Tara. She also advises steering clear of trousers altogether.
Don’t do it right up in their grill
The whole point of a striptease, apparently, is a ‘look don’t touch’ vibe. Sort of like seeing a really great cake but not having your purse on you.
‘Distance is so important. If you’re very close to them, like right up on them, you’re not going to get the full effect,’ warns Tara. ‘The person you’re stripping for isn’t supposed to feel like they can get to you – they’re supposed to want you, but know they can’t have you until you give them the word.’
That’s a more difficult effect to achieve when you’ve got your boobs in their face (see also: don’t show your tits).
A nigh-on impossible barrier for some of us (me) to cross, but an important one. It’s pretty essential that, if you screw up and kick a lamp or something, you don’t collapse in a heap on the floor laughing. Not because that’s necessarily a bad thing, just because it’ll take you ages to get the atmos back to where it was, and you’ll have undone all your good work.
‘If you make a mistake, wing it all the way. If you hurt your foot, bend down and rub your foot in sexy way,’ suggests Tara. ‘Incorporate any mistakes into your routine.’
Sort of like when you’re having the kind of sex that laughing would totally ruin and you hit your head on a wall – sometimes it’s good to smile and continue rather than giggle and start doing impressions of yourself hitting your head with your eyes crossed.
Don’t do it with your eyes crossed
Worth mentioning, just in case.
Make sure you’re comfortable in your relationship
‘Some people can do stripteases to randomers, but I have to be in a stable, happy relationship,’ says Tara. ‘Don’t think of it as building your confidence, but as both of you building each other’s confidence together. You need to feel comfortable with your partner to strip – otherwise you’ll be thinking stuff like, “He’s gonna look at me like I’m an idiot!”.
‘Also, the guy is just as nervous. A woman thinks a man would think a woman taking off her clothes is great, but if you’re not comfortable it can be really uncomfortable for them!’
Probably also talk about the fact that you want to give it a go, but you’re a bit nervous, then you can build it up in stages. Plus, they’ll hopefully find your attempts to give them a lapdance a really charming example of what a great and kind and conscientious partner you are. Plus, boobs.
Happy stripping guys and, if you need any inspiration, the following YouTube tutorials should probably help…
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