Hannah Rose Ewens | Contributing Writer | Friday, 23 January 2015

How To Make Your One-Night Stand Better At Sex

The Debrief: He keeps complimenting you? Then get him talking dirty - chances are he'll be A+ at talking smut...

In an ideal world, there would be a platter of beautiful, intelligent and funny men on hand at all times for women who are that way inclined to casually sleep with. Unfortunately, life isn’t that kind to us. Sometimes we have to work with what we’re given. Which frankly, sometimes can be a bit of a sloppy show. 

Of course, if you’re not into it, don’t sleep with them. We’re not advocating sleeping with people willy nilly if they seem gross. But if you’re in the mood for taking whatever the night has dealt you, we’re on board with that too. Here are some signs he might be a crap shag and how to do something about it before it's too late... 

He keeps complimenting you

Everyone likes a good compliment but sometimes less is more. I’ve been on dates before where it seems they’re on a one-man competition to try and kill you with kindness. It’s all your eyes-your dress-your smile. If he’s the vocal sort, this is your opportunity to egg him on. Encourage this by probing him further before you’ve left the bar/club/house party for yours. What else does he like? Why does he like that part? Trust me, these serial complimenters are A+ at talking smut.

He keeps interrupting you or talking about himself

He’s a selfish dick, basically. Firstly, do you want to sleep with someone this self-absorbed? If the answer is yes, and his abhorrent nature has just made you want hate sex with him, then know that your pleasure is coming second. What these blokes do respond well to however is a challenge. Their ego cannot see them lose. Talk him through what it is that you want/have never had and how hard it is to get it. For example, tell them how few guys manage to make you come. Now watch everything come up Milhouse.  

He’s a crap dancer

Okay, yeah. That’s not great. If he can’t co-ordinate his limbs to some kind of rhythm, that’s not going to translate well into him doing anything to you. If he can’t keep up with you now, there are a bunch of positions that’ll he’ll be particularly crap at - doggy style, for example. This is your cue to be more dom than sub. Take control of the situation – go on top, maybe on the floor or reverse cowgirl and grab his legs for more leverage. Don’t write this hopeless bastard off yet. 

He’s a bad kisser

A bad kisser is going to be no better in bed. But we know you’re going to sleep with him anyway. Make sure you take him back to yours rather than go to his. Have your sex toys to hand in the top drawer. This way, if he’s not really doing it for you, he can be given a firm but fun helping hand. NB. If he’s a sloppy, overenthusiastic kisser that moves around too much – you know where to send him.

He is talking/texting/looking around while talking to you

If this rudeness hasn’t put you off and he’s actually managing to multitask well enough to keep talking to you, there’s a way around this scattered attention. I’ve found introducing lots of different factors can turn out well. Put some porn on your laptop, get the sex toys out again and get him to do you from behind. 

He’s a player/doesn’t have any ex girlfriends

You haven’t got this far in life without realising that guys that’ve had long term relationships are usually infinitely better in bed. They’ve realised how long it takes most girls to come, they know that in-out-in-out isn’t going to cut it, they’ve dedicated themselves to a singular vagina and learnt it’s inner workings. If your one-night stand doesn’t have this knowledge or experience, it’s not a lost cause. You actually have more to work with. He has no one and everyone to compare you to. Use it as an opportunity to do whatever you want, wherever you want. Suggest everything. Suggest anything.

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Follow Hannah on Twitter @hannahrosewens

Picture: Matilda Hill-Jenkins

Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock, Sex Ed