Alix Fox | Contributing Writer | 1,036 day ago

How To Make DIY Porn In That Dead Time Between Christmas And New Year

The Debrief: Done with White Christmas? Make a blue movie

Christmas Day is done and dusted. Boxing Day is over and out. It’s 27th December. Only the ‘meh’ chocolates are left in your selection box; the fridge is cluttered with unappetising congealed, cling-filmed leftovers; you’re bored of watching telly but not yet ready to swap nostalgic reruns for resolution-inspired running; and the whole house smells of sprouts at various points in their traditional life cycle. How do you fill the gap and relieve the ennui between now and NYE? 

Make your own porn, obviously. 

If you’re away from your partner over the Christmas period, you could send them a flirty, filthy flick of you getting yourself off that’ll make them want to treat you like a Terry’s Chocolate Orange in reverse: unwrap you, and then tap you. If the pair of you are together, you could video yourselves burning off some of those pigs in blankets by getting busy beneath the sheets. 

Equipment

If you’re going to put your rumpy-pumpy on record, first up, you’ll need something to record it with. You’re not making a box office smash (featuring your box, getting smashed) here, so you don’t need professional camera kit – the webcam on your laptop, or the video recorder on your phone will do just fine, but if you’re using the latter, do consider investing in a little mobile tripod. It’ll leave your fingers free for fun, while stopping your shots from being so shaky that they look like they were filmed on a rickety runaway mine train ride ('please make sure your belts are securely fastened and keep both hands inside the undercarriage…').  

GorillaPod mobile stands have flexible legs that can be wrapped securely around bedposts, and some even have superstrong magnets on the base of each foot so you can attach them securely to metal fittings.  Arranging the camera so the lens is pointing down towards you tends to be a flattering angle. 

Alternatively, extreme sex toy company Svakom manufacture a range of vibrators with cameras inside them, that can video the inside of you: slide them into your ladyflump, and they’ll wirelessly beam internal footage of your foof to computers or phones within a 30 metre radius. We imagine it could certainly be educational and intriguing to see your innards on screen like this, although unless you’re really into gynaecological porn, we don’t know how much of a turn on it’d be to view scenes of your cervix... 

Lighting 

The way you light your DIY smut film can make a huge difference in how favourable the footage turns out to be. Soft light that falls from above rather than shining from below tends to make bodies look better, or you might want to experiment with coloured bulbs to create a sultry ambiance. Chuck a sheer scarf over a lamp to make it glare less harshly (just be careful that the material doesn’t get too hot: you want your vid to look scorching, but you don’t want to set your goddamn gaff on fire). 

Do consider how much detail you and/or your partner will wish to see in the final film; candles and rich, deep red bedspreads might seem sensual, but could leave you with frustratingly faint, foggy footage of you very vaguely getting diddled in the dark. Crisp lighting and crisp white sheets are more likely to result in a movie where you can actually see the moves, in all their magnificently mucky glory. 

READ MORE: Crowdsourced Porn: Meet The Women Turning Your Fantasies Into Bespoke Films 

Positions 

If you’re planning to include penetration in your porn, opt for positions where both your bodies don’t obscure the action. Reverse Cowgirl (yeehaa!) is a good one: get your fella to sit or lay down, then hop on top of him with your back to his face. Have the lens aimed at the front of your body, taking in your tits, and spread your legs wide as you ride him so the camera captures him sliding in and out of your. BLIMEY. Lean back a little if you want to pull your stomach more taut (although, really, bollocks to that – just concentrate on having a blast while you pogo on your chap’s lubed-up rama lama ding-dong). 

You might want to add some scenes shot down his body, with his penis in the foreground; this vantage point makes most gents look like they’re hung like shire horses, which is a always a nice confidence booster to watch back. 

Editing 

Professional pornos are rarely shot in one take. If you have any editing skills and want to make your clips look slicker than an ice rink covered in baby oil, think about cutting together a compilation tape of a few scenes, filmed from different angles of dangle, and showing different acts taking place.  

Turn your sexts into a bespoke porno 

For a completely different way of creating pornographic flicks via your mobile, try the SendMeYourSexts.com service. 

Take screenshots of your most stunningly steamy SMS conversations, email the sexts to filmmaker and artist Eileen, and for about £50 she’ll turn them into a porn script between one and six minutes long, and film it for you, with actors playing out your torrid textual fantasies. 

How to keep it private 

It goes without saying that anyone you exchange intimate pics or vids with should be someone you trust, and you should both be clear on how you’re going to safely store private footage to ensure it’s enjoyed by the right eyes only, and where your boundaries lay regarding showing it off to others. 

It should be an empowering, fun pleasure to make or share an explicit film with a lover, and perhaps as society becomes more enlightened in the future, we’ll realise that all sorts of people enjoy the celebratory, positive process of creating nude, lewd and rude footage of themselves – if such material is made public against the wishes of the individuals featured, the only fault and shame should lay with the foul, disrespectful clungeferret who distributed it. However, at present, hideous problems like revenge porn and hacking are still very real issues, and no-one wants the worry of wondering what will happen if clips of your clit end up being seen by a conservative boss, or your family find a film of your fanny. 

Get clued up about encrypting and protecting private files, what to do if compromising images of you end up on the internet, and loads of other savvy advice by reading The Smart Girl’s Guide To Privacy: an accessible book aimed specifically at women, written by esteemed sex and tech journalist Violet Blue.  

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

How To Create Your Bespoke Porn Playlist And Stash It Somewhere Safe 

It Was Only When I Tried To Give Up Porn That I Realised How Much Of It There Was Out There 

Failsafe Porn To Watch With A New Boyfriend 

Follow Alix on Twitter: @AlixFox

Artwork by Eugenia Loli

Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock, Porn