How To Join The Mile High Club
The Debrief: Want to tick 'Join the Mile High Club' off your bucket/fuckit list? Here’s our complete guide to sex on a plane…
Less worried about leg room on planes, and more concerned about getting your leg over? Here’s everything you need to know about fornication + aviation…
Will I end up in prison if i have sex on a plane?
First up, I’m duty bound to tell you that before attempting a 69 on a 747 or whatnot, you need to weigh up the potential risk of being arrested. I know that’s not a very erotic thing to say, and I’m sorry for withering your wide-on, but I wouldn’t be a very responsible sex-spurt if I didn’t warn you that allowing someone to bury their penis deep within your cockpit at an altitude of 5,280ft can possibly get you into trouble.
The law regarding sexual activity on planes is actually pretty difficult to govern. If you’re thinking of getting X-rated in an aeroplane WC, You should be aware UK legislation states that sex in a public lavatory is illegal; it’s considered to constitute ‘sex in a public place’, and is punishable by a six-month stint in prison. However, as planes fly to different countries and pass through different areas of jurisdiction, the rules change, and can become hard to determine. In the USA, for example, getting dirty on a Delta could see you charged with anything from ‘indecent exposure’ to ‘interfering with the flight crew’ (that means dangerously disobeying their requests to stop something - not porking the pilot). The latter can get you jailed for a maximum of 20 years, which is a damn long time to get banged up for having a bang. Airlines also differ in their company attitudes towards in-air shagging, and some are stricter than others.
In reality though, so long as you conduct your Sleazyjet naughtiness with a degree of discretion and respect for other passengers, it’s probably more likely that – if caught – you’ll just receive a mild telling off delivered with a wink, or at worst a fine or a ban from using the airline again.
It comes down to one simple rule: don’t be a total dick. Be subtle with your smuttiness – most flight attendants have a sense of humour about people’s personal ‘in-flight entertainment’ sessions, and will only spoil your grubby fun you if you give them a reason to by acting like an impudent douchecannon.
If crew do ask you to stop something, stop straight away, apologise, and don’t try to get flirty again on the same flight. Disobeying crew-members instructions is a dangerous violation to make and can get you in deep, deep shit. Just accept that you’ve been rumbled having a fumble, and give it up as a bad job.
Personally, I would entirely avoid any efforts to get jiggy if your jet is travelling through a conservative area where your behaviour could cause offence on religious or cultural grounds. Countries that flog people for merely kissing in public are unlikely to look kindly upon tourists full-blown boffing on an Boeing.
Ok, I get it. Plane sex is risky. So how can I do it anyway?
It’s easiest to get down to business (class) while your fellow passengers are asleep, so ideally book an overnight, red-eye flight.
Wear loose clothing designed for easy access. Elasticated-waisted jogging bottoms and lift-up-able skirts are just the biz for this shiz.
The toilet is the traditional mile high location, so get ready to experience hot flushes! If you’re intending to party in the port-a-potty, pick aisle seats rather than window views so you and your coital companion don’t have to climb over slumbering travellers in order to get to the bogs.
Flying during the day? The best moment to scuttle off to get your privates poked in the privy is when the drinks trolley has just passed you. The flight attendants will be too preoccupied by serving G&Ts to notice you’re on a quest to get some D. Plus, their cart will partially block the aisle, making it inconvenient for other people to get to the loos – which is convenient for you.
You and your partner should stroll to the bathroom together – you don’t want to be too obvious, but you don’t want a stranger with a bustin’ bladder to hop in the queue between the two of you, either. One of you should enter the cubicle; wait a few moments; then unlock the door and allow the other to nonchalantly slip inside. You can do this. You’re smoother than a Hollywood wax.
Alternatively, if you’re more gutsy than actual intestines, tell the flight crew your partner is sick or “needs assistance due to a personal condition”, and walk straight into the lavatory together, like you have zero shits to give. Or like you have a tonne of very urgent shits to give, if you’re faking illness.
You now have about ten minutes to get busy. However, you’re in a tiny room, so unless you’re flexible as a yoga master, you’ll need to pick your sexual positions carefully. One good option for straight folks is for the gent to enter the lady from behind, as she leans her weight forwards against the door. This gives extra protection against intrusion if anyone tries to push it open. Obvs, the door should be locked too, though. Make sure it’s bolted and the lock has clicked before you get to it.
Alternatively, he can sit on top of the closed loo seat, and she can lower herself onto his lap.
If you manage to have anal sex on a plane, then congratulations: you have experience ‘turdbulence’.
Afterwards, exit one at a time, as casually as you can. You are cooler than a cucumber dipped in liquid nitrogen.
Really don’t fancy doing it in the toilet? Bring along a blanket or pashmina to cover you both, and attempt a little hand/mouth action at your seats. This is a lot more difficult to do without being genuinely gross towards other passengers, mind, and you potentially risk public nudity charges, so proceed with extreme caution.
The ideal flight on which to hump ‘til you’re sore while you soar? Singapore Airlines’ Airbus A380 first class double bed suites have proven so popular with lovers wanting to do the hovering horizontal mambo that the company issued an official press release in 2007 requesting that people stop refrain from having sex on their planes. In my opinion though, Aer (Cunni)lingus is surely the obvious choice.
Want to re-enact the thrill of mile high sex while back on the ground?, Recreate your high-flying fantasies, by investing a tenner in a frisky flight attendant’s uniform and becoming a hostess with the mostess- For added authenticity, clean up afterwards with a lemon hand towelette.
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Alix Fox is a writer, presenter and sex educator for Durex and Ann Summers. Follow her on Twitter @AlixFox
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