Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Friday, 30 January 2015

How To Introduce Your New Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Casual Sex Partner To Your Particularly Niche Fetish

The Debrief: Here's a quick guide to introducing your fetish to a new partner

So: you want your partner to come in your armpit? Dress up as a fox next time you're shagging? Or perhaps something more elaborate, involving a costume made of latex and a roomful of watching strangers?

Introducing your other half to a particular sexual fetish can be pretty nervewracking, whether it's armpit jizz or public shagging. While some fetishes are now so mainstream that they barely raise an eyebrow, if you've kept something inside for a long time, it's understandable to feel some trepidation about the moment that it comes out. 

Fear not: we're here to help. Here's a quick guide to introducing your fetish to a new partner, and a couple of handy hints on what to do if they take it badly. 

Watching porn together

So, as a 5 year old in the run up to Christmas knows, the best way to introduce anyone to a new thing is to wait until it comes on the telly and then go “I want that please!” What I'm saying is that showing your partner some suitably fetishy porn can be an excellent way to introduce them to your kink. 

Every bodily substance from snot to smegma has a corresponding appreciative Tumblr with appropriate sexual gifs, and if there's an item you could rub furtively on your genitals, someone else will have rubbed it down to splinters long before it ever occurred to you to do the same. If you're unsure about leaping straight in with the porn, chances are it'll have cropped up in popular culture at some point and you can take a 'softly softly' approach. 

Whack that show on the TV, lend your partner that book, or leave a browser tab with your furtively-found pornography open on their laptop. When they ask you what it's about, all you need to do is smile and whip out the rubber hosepipe. 

Stats

People with unusual fantasies and kinks got a massive break last year, when Canadian researchers released the results of some pretty broad research documenting people's sexual fantasies. 

One of the main things that worries people if they're introducing fetish to a new partner is the idea that their partner will see them as somehow 'weird.' I promise you, unless your imagination is greater than that of any human who has gone before you, someone else will share your kink. These stats are more about fantasy than fetish specifically, but they're pretty eye-opening, and they do the job nicely. I get hot for some things that I'd have imagined are relatively niche (cough cough swinging), but judging by this survey that's actually a fantasy shared by aorund 27% of women and 40% of men. Hooray! 

So have a quick browse through the list, and if your fantasy is on there you can make your approach much easier. Firstly you can take comfort in the fact that you're definitely not alone, and secondly if your partner does react with a raised eyebrow and look of surprise, you can let him know that, on a crowded tube train, statistically at least 30 other people will be fantasising about the same thing. 

Ask if they've got anything you'd like them to fulfill

The key here isn't to get some kind of sex-based 'IOU' going on, where they agree to wee on you just because you've spanked them in PVC stockings. You're not aiming to create a heirarchy of obligation. That would just lead to a lot of straight-faced, favour-swapping sex that ticks all the boxes but never wets your... umm... appetite. 

The point of fulfilling a fantasy for your partner is more to do with empathy than exchange. Firstly, you can encourage them to open up, and invite a more intimate discussion. If you're nervous about revealing your own deepest desires, then meeting theirs head-on with an enthusiastic grin and a serious attempt to give it a go puts both of you in a more appreciative, kink-friendly frame of mind. Naturally you'll need to refrain from judgment if their fantasy isn't quite what you expected, but the whole point of this is to learn new things about each other, right? Besides, if you're reading this article I doubt you're the sort of person to start clutching your pearls when your partner expresses an interest in spaffing on your feet. 

The second reason to discuss your partner's fantasy is because it gives you the chance to experience things from the other side. If you leap into their world, you can see how it feels to test out a shiny new thing, and get an idea for how you might like to help your partner get accustomed to yours (if they're up for it). If they suggest you fill a bath with custard and splash about a bit, but you'd prefer to start gently with a couple of tins of Ambrosia, you'll know that when you introduce them to your penchant for BDSM, it might be better to ask  for a light spanking first then gradually work your way up to the 100-stroke caning that you've been dreaming about. Consider other questions as well – what's hot about their fantasy? Are you turned on by how much you're turning them on? How much do you want in terms of explanation or instruction? And how could this fit in with the kind of sex you enjoy together already? 

Most importantly, as you're busy doing whatever it is that your partner's requested, focus on what you enjoy about it. Regardless of whether you share a particular fetish, it can be stunningly hot to fulfill someone else's desires. I used to be fairly ambivalent about guys wearing my knickers. Sure, the whole package looked pretty and I could see the appeal for him, but it's never something I'd have specifically requested. Then one day – BOOM – a guy asked tentatively if he could wear my panties while I spanked him, and suddenly the whole concept of it became so pant-slickingly hot that I had to get a brand new pair for him to wear for the session. I'll be honest, the main reason I'm telling you this is to help you overcome any nerves you might have – even if your fetish is really out of the ordinary, chances are that your partner will get a certain amount of arousal from seeing your gurning O-face when they make your dreams come true.

Final point, I 100% promise, but the last reason it's great to try things from the other perspective is that you'll get a feel for how far you want to go and still be comfortable. I'm not saying your partner will have the same tolerance for your fetish as you do for theirs, but getting a sense of your own comfort can make it easier to judge how slowly you should take it with yours.  

Bad reactions – how do you deal with them? 

I want to get on my sex-positive high horse here and tell you to break up with anyone who reacts with total horror to your fantasies. If what you want is legal and doesn't harm anyone, then even if your other half doesn't want to play, there's no reason for them to be a dick about it. 

But I'm not going to tell you that, because I'm not the boss of you. Ultimately what you want to do if they react badly will depend on how important this fetish is to your sex life, and how important your new partner is too. 

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage is famed for coining the expression 'GGG', which stands for 'Good, Giving and Game.' The 'Game' part refers to the idea that any great sex partner should at least attempt to fulfill their lover's fantasies, even if the idea isn't one they'd normally leap for joy about. I agree to an extent, but there's always a lot more context involved than just 'are you up for this?' Some fetishes, particularly those that involve sadism and masochism, could be triggering for people who've had bad experiences. Likewise fetishes that involve things which traditionally cause a disgust reaction may naturally give your partner pause for thought. I'm thinking here about urolagnia (piss play) and coprophilia (scat). I'm certainly not going to tell you that your fetish is gross or unacceptable – as far as I'm concerned there's a hell of a lot of stuff you can do safely, and as long as it's consensual and enjoyable for everyone concerned, I won't be knocking on your door waving my kink warrant and demanding you stop having fun. 

But, even as a GGG person, I realise that there are some things I do, or you do, or other people do, which aren't easy for everyone to embrace. It's tough, but it happens. So while you can introduce them softly, and tempt your partner with the sexiest elements of your niche desires, the most important thing to remember is that it shouldn't go beyond mutual fun and end up in the killjoy 'pressure' zone. The point isn't to get your partner to say 'yes' to something – it's to live your dreams. And unless you're a cast-iron bastard, I doubt you dream about your other half gritting their teeth through and wishing they'd never agreed to it.

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Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock