Kieran Yates | Contributing Editor | 1,360 day ago

How To Have Sex In A Car

The Debrief: Because it’s supposedly something we’re going to do at least three times in our lives

Girls will have sex in a car at least three times in their lifetime, according to German sat nav company Skobbler – research that obviously must be reputable because sat nav people are known for nothing if not doing sex surveys right. So, for anyone who has yet to sample the delights of awkward, cramped car sex, we have three top tips to ensure you do it correctly…

Low expectation
Low expectations are pretty much key to this whole thing. You must know that having sex in a vehicle designed for sitting in is going to be cramped and uncomfortable and you’ll probably get concussed after hitting your head on the roof. Best not to hype this up too much. That old myth of the sexy boy racer wasn’t because the owners of those souped-up Saabs were ultra-sexy, it was because they were older and, when you were young and thick, you thought doing doughnuts in the Matalan car park was really cool.

When you were young and thick you thought doing doughnuts in the Matalan car park was really cool

Know the Highway Code
Be savvy. Seriously, even if you don’t drive, it really stands you in good stead to be educated about road signs – or at least the basics of the Highway Code. If you’re thinking about stopping somewhere for sex, it would be good to know about speed bumps ahead/falling rocks/sharp turns. Also, give yourself a quick road-safety test and make sure you know about brake control and gearsticks, ’cos it’s all sexy and great until you fuck it up, release the brake, and send you and the car to your deaths.

Puns are fun
If you’re gonna have sex in a car, make sure you don't get too into it. The worst is the over-earnest car sex fetishists who cream themselves over car crashes and dogging, which is a slippery slope to therapy. Keep it light and make sure you use lots of car puns, like, I dunno, making sure you comment on a hardtop, say something about using a gearstick correctly, and let him know you have something he can reverse into. Oi, oi!

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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski

 

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