How To Have Sex At The Cinema
The Debrief: Because you're a classy lady who gets horny when she gets horny OK?
I'm always a bit reluctant to go to the cinema these days. Paying 10 quid or more to see something I could watch in the comfort of my own cow pyjamas whilst making frequent grazing trips to the fridge seems ridiculous. I'd always rather spend my Orange Wednesday voucher on Pizza Express and a bottle of wine.
I didn't always feel this way. In my teenage years the very smell of popcorn would incite a rare excitement I only experience now before first dates or when buying expensive shoes. Or milky pens - which will ALWAYS be exciting.
The cinema back then wasn't just a place you went to avoid boozing on a Tuesday night, it was a hotbox of sexual activity; your golden ticket to nippletickletime. It was the only place you were allowed to rub shoulders (and everything else) with the opposite sex, free of parental supervision.
And we all maxed out that advantage card, didn't we? Hand jobs through popcorn buckets, digit slipping galore, boob squeezing and thigh rubbing - it all went down in the darkness with no need for eye contact or 14 yr old stammered pre-feel-up conversation. The bliss of the cinema secrets.
But now we're adults and can (apparently) have sex whenever we want, the novelty of the cinema has worn off. Which is a massive shame. But this January, with cinemas like Cineworld offering cut price cinema tickets (I saw Into the Woods for £7 on Monday in Chelsea, dahling) it seems rude not to give the flicks another chance, knock nostalgia on the head and crank it up a notch. If we could get to third base in the third row back then, there's a home run in the back row for the taking now.
Here's a run down of the best London cinemas to have sex in, and how to get away with it.
The Best London Cinemas To Have Sex In:
The Olympic Cinema - it offers Deluxe sofas at the VERY back, behind a dividing wall. This is the best cinema spot in London to have sex, however crowded the cinema. Just make sure you don't book it out during the 'Babes in Arms' weekday matinees. Baby cries might cover sex sounds but never make for a good aphrodisiac.
Roxy Bar & Screen - The Roxy often shows films for as little as £3. Ideal if you're not going to actually be watching any of it. The closest you can get to Netflix & Chill outside the comfort of your own house. Also, it has a bar.
The Electric Cinema - Known for having the most comfortable seats in pretty much the whole of London. Seats come complete with foot stools and somewhere to put your champers. If that's how you roll. It's also got a couple of sofas at the very back of the room - they sell out fast though so get in there quick.
The Lexi - A tiny, independent, not-for-profit cinema in a quirky converted village hall in Kensal Rise, The Lexi has around 50 seats and screens mainly the larger left-field releases and small indie flicks. Basically, you might be the only people there.
1. Know the audience
Unless you are some sort of hard core exhibitionist you want the cinema to be as empty as possible. This means picking a film no one wants to see, including yourself. The BFI is a good place to start. Regularly screening pretentious art flicks like Journey of a Goat to Slaughter or Black and Dust: Lungs of the Mines, you can guarantee audience members will be few and far between. Those who have paid £20 to watch this bollocks will be so transfixed by the moving photography that they won't notice you bouncing happily away, like a child on a pogo stick, on the back row. Tip: Do not choose a silent film. Art is magical but does not muffle sound.
2. Keep a low profile
If you saunter up to the box office, nibbling on each others ears, dressed in chaps and mesh vests, requesting a back row seat you are basically inviting every usher in the building, for a cinematic dogging session. It might seem empty at first but once your eyes adjust, you'll start to make out the many panting shadows in the aisles. So don't attract attention to yourselves as a potential sexual unit. Enter separately, if need be, and channel asexuality. Perhaps wear a puffer jacket like the one my mother bought me for Christmas that makes the wearer look like a totally unshaggable waterproof sausage. Ideal.
3. Dress appropriately
Think of jizz-like sexual pitstains and from that, choose clothes accordingly. Dark colours work, unless you plan on staying there long enough for crusting to occur. And let's not forget ease of access. HR Manager, Dave, 28, recounted a recent coppa-feel in the aptly named Everyman cinema: 'Neither of us wore boxers or belts. The wide fitted tops hid most of action. Like a sex shield.'
4. Leave the love seats
Swanky upmarket cinemas which I cannot name (hint: private members clubs) offer love seats: exactly the same as normal seats apart from the dividing arm is removed. These do not facilitate sneaky sex: plush seating comes with added leg room which is less to hide behind. Ushers are public school boys who will add your romp to their gap year Facebook album and the rest of the clientele all have the money to sue you for distracting them during the Alas Poor Yorick! speech in NT: Live Hamlet.
5. Watch the trailer
Aleks, 29, made the mistake of not settling into the movie before going all steam ahead on all fours. Moments into her epic gob job, the flashlight beamed in their dirty direction as the usher led in none other than an elderly couple. Her poor grandparents.
But seriously, find your feet first, feel the atmosphere, clock the enemy positions and wait for an appropriate time to get jiggly. Move in time to the rises and falls in the soundtrack, synching any vocality with the musical climaxes. Jaws is a great movie for this but sadly rarely screened in 2015. Try the BFI.
6. One kink at a time
Unless you're at a Bollywood porn screening, don't expect the whole karma sutra. Cinema sex is limited to jazz hands, oral ( if you don't mind kneeling on popcorn kernels) and bouncy bouncy on the lappy - a creepy image I almost feel I should take back...but won't. Deviate from this and you WILL get caught. So keep it vanilla and leave your strap-on at home.
7. Clean up
It's one thing leaving Malteser packets and empty bottles of smuggled wine on the floor of a cinema but quite another leaving used condoms and jizz stains on the seats. Be a responsible citizen goddamnit! Carry Kleenex, like any other self respecting fan of indecent exposure.
Liked this? You might also be interested in:
Follow Maddy on Twitter @Missmadeleinek
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating