How To Have Hot Sex On A Hot Day
The Debrief: It's too darn hot! Here's how to get it on when you're so sweaty that you can't get your clothes off
What are your summer sex noises? When the temperature reaches 30 degrees – OK, about 22 degrees - any erotic moaning I attempt is drowned out by a noisy, whole body queef. Have you ever made an instrument by taking a soggy flannel, tying up the corners and filling it load of small, sticky, rubber balls, the kind that came in party bags when you were little? Of course not. It is a fiddly and inefficient way to kill any mood. But that’s what it sounds like when I get hot and heavy in the hot weather. It’s like boning in a Bikram class, yet less sexual. And I know it can't just be me, because Ella Fitzgerald sang a song about it.
The ironic thing is that when it’s warm, I want to have sex all the time. The heat fires up my primal, idiot brain – as soon as I can unbutton my cardie, it goes ‘Holiday! You’re on holiday!’ and turns me all relaxed and shaggy. I’m 70 per cent raging horn, 30 per cent ‘Is it too early for a beer? I don’t think it is!’ It seems a shame not to take advantage of the fact that you’ve got fewer clothes on. So here’s my guide to getting it on in the hot weather, based on my truly arousing and sensual mistakes.
Read more: How To Have Sex
So you tried to be sexy with some ice…
Back in the early 2000s I thought it would be brilliant to surprise my then boyfriend with an, erm, ‘mini milk’. A legendary ladymag claimed I could ‘wow my man’ by going down on him with a mouthful of crushed ice. I have never seen an erection go down so quickly. I think that’s also the only time that I have seen a naked man cry, too. Ice can be hot, in a manner of speaking, but try putting it in your mouth for a while to melt it a little and avoid the Ice Age: Director's Cut Featuring Gloryholes version. Start with kissing – you could also share an ice lolly. But for heaven’s sake, keep the lines of communication open. Alert your lover to the presence of ice. But you're probably still OK to 'accidentally' sexily spill a glass of room temperature water on your warm bits.
You’ve got your stank on
Sweat can smell incredibly sexy. And as nauseating as it sounds, when you really like someone, you do get into their various odours (come on, people, we’re all animals really.) But there’s a difference between being a bit savoury, and humming, where your scent is so strong that people can see it from across the street. Not to mention dirty feet, lunch beer breath and undertaking any sort of commute that subjects you to other people’s smells too. (If you’ve been wearing sandals, I hear that an aloe vera wet wipe to the foot makes for fantastic foreplay.)
The only way to deal is shower sex. Now, I’m not a big showerer in the hot months – I’ll only be sweaty again in an hour – but if you turn the temperature down and bring in a friend, you can multi-task, have an orgasm and save water. If you’re really committing, invest in a shower stool. Korres Fig shower gel is, for my money, the sexiest scent going, but keep it away from intimate areas, it can upset the pH balance.
Bed? Where the duvet is? Are you fucking kidding me?
WHY is the sex room also the hot room? WHO put a big, thick blankety thing in it? Obviously you can get it on in cooler places, but when it gets hot you need to be horizontal. I’m always looking for the laziest, most low-effort ways to get off, so I’m not going to install a sex swing in a big fridge because it will be really fiddly and I can’t lie down. But I did just buy a giant Egyptian cotton flat sheet, after stowing the duvet away until the Autumn. (I wanted to burn it but my boyfriend said that it wasn’t the duvet’s fault that it made me hot, and I might have anger issues.) Crisp, cool cotton feels amazing against bare skin. Screw you, duvet. You could also put a standing fan at the bottom of the bed for a refreshing intimate breeze.
But we haven’t slept in three days
When it’s too hot to rest properly, I’m rubbish in bed (and out of it) – I just lie on the sofa going ‘Mnurghhh, mnurgggg, mnurgghhh’ while I tap my boyfriend’s chest, attempting to hit nipple. As long as you’re both conscious enough to consent, this is where morning sex comes into its own. If you’re still awake at 6AM, you might as well start making out because you’ve got ages before work and realistically no-one is going back to sleep. Also, you’re so knackered that you have no inhibitions. It’s like being a little bit drunk. Personally, I always have the best orgasms when I’m jetlagged, and the heat helps to recreate the feeling without enlarging my carbon footprint.
It’s too, too hot to move
You know the famous Titanic sex-in-the-car-at-the-bottom-of-the-ship moment, where Kate Winslet sexily slams her sweaty palm against the window? I don’t think it’s because she’s coming like a steam ship, I think it’s because she needs some of her skin to be against a cool surface because she’s pressed up against hot, clammy Leo. When it gets really hot, rubbing, thrusting and extended body contact are out. So my favourite horny hacks are the ones where you lie as still as possible. That’s right, it’s time to revisit the hand job! I like to lie next to my partner, close but not touching, so that we can get each other off, or get ourselves off, with minimal movement. (This is a good time to bring in a vibrator.) If you want to have penetrative sex, you’re ready to go, or you can just lie, smug and sated, in your pool of sweat.
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Picture: Francesca Allen
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