How To Have Amazing Sex On A Weekend Away
The Debrief: AKA how not to get so worked up about the prospect of excellent weekend away sex that you give yourself a yeast infection
Illustration by Marylou Faure
I know that no-one loves a braggart, but I have an incredible secret skill. It’s somewhere between a magic trick and a grand scientific demonstration - I can give myself a yeast infection by just thinking about a luxury hotel. Sometimes I have to click through a few galleries on lastminute.com - usually I have to get out my debit card and actually book a trip. But the prospect of a sexy weekend tends to trigger a bout of thrush faster than you can say ‘the capsule treats the problem internally while the cream calms the itch’.
Admittedly I’m exaggerating slightly, but I’ve found that the pressure to perform on a sexy weekend means the whole experience can be less erotic than listening to snooker on a static-y analogue radio. There was that time I went to Florence and wouldn’t put out because I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of my (healthy) parents dying. And the trip to Paris when I got stuck in a dress in a vintage shop, and spent the weekend body shaming myself, weeping, and manger tout les éclairs? And who could forget the sexy suite in Prague which I rendered uninhabitable after a dodgy dumpling left me farting poisonously for 72 hours straight? Certainly not my poor ex boyfriend. (To be fair, after that he didn’t feel like having sex either.)
Ultimately, you should only have the sex you want, when you want it, with someone who wants it just as much as you. So if you arrive at the Hotel du Shag and have no interest in anything other than slagging off everyone that you encounter at the breakfast buffet, go forth and enjoy your lukewarm hardboiled egg. But if the spirit is willing but the flesh is confused, here’s how make sure that it’s worth paying a stranger to launder your bedsheets.
Don’t wait to copulate
In the past, I have made the mistake of keeping my legs crossed and my beans unblown in order to prepare for a sexy weekend, thinking that maintaining a state of unfulfilled yearning would get me reaching for the Do Not Disturb sign. But the longer I leave it, the less I want to do it and the more likely I am to say ‘Sex? I think I’ve heard of that. Is it the one where you take your socks off?’ If I have the chance to do the do shortly before I travel, I’m less nervous and more…pervous.
Drop the pressure
I have a friend who makes a point of saying ‘Look, I’m really tired, we probably won’t have sex. Let’s just…hang out,’ at the start of every trip. Then she takes her bra off, and her boyfriend gives her a peck on the lips, which turns into a snog, which turns into…well, they once got caught on their way to dinner having sex in the lift. Take sex off the set menu and you’ll end up gorging yourself at the boning buffet. Think of it as the lost earring that inevitably turns up as soon as you replace the set.
Pack your big pants
Sometimes, when on a mini break, sexy lingerie makes me feel like Queen Bonkius, sexual ruler of all erotic lands. And sometimes I open my suitcase on Saturday morning and discover that I only have laddered holdups, pointy bras, knickers that go up my bum, and scream ‘OH JESUS FUCK, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING HIKING TODAY.’ And I feel so grumpy and cross with the patriarchy and itchy that I don’t want to have sex, or even write it down when the weekend crossword clue is ‘gender or intercourse, three letters’. I’ve learned that I feel much more mellow when I have big cotton pants to wear for excursions and telly watching, and as a result, more enthusiastic about wearing the mad underwear for short periods of time. I’m obsessed with Hanky Panky vest and knicker combos - it’s lingerie you can sex in, sleep in and eat crisps in.
Stash a sexy surprise
As a breathless, addicted consumer with an insatiable thirst for novelty, I like to guarantee minibreak sexy times by buying a weird new erotic device that I’m desperate to try out the second the check in person has finished explaining that there is an in-room safe. It doesn’t have to be spendy - if you’re after a swanky new vibrator then by all means, invest. But you could bring a feather, or a ribbon, or a sleep mask, or just lick lines of Sherbet Fountain off each other’s bare bodies…
Do it before dinner
Chips are my sex kryptonite. I can be so horny that I can hear colour, but feed me a bowl of fries before I try to get it on and my DTF vibe goes all DFS and all I can do is lie on a sofa. I might moan, but only while I rub my belly and make feeble attempts to answer questions on Pointless. In the first three months - OK, three weeks - of a relationship, you might be capable of enjoying a little prime rib after your prime rib. But most of us need to have sex before supper, otherwise we’ll be out of action before breakfast. Hide the room service menu at the bottom of the bed if you think it might help.
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