Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Friday, 5 December 2014

How To Have Alone Sexy Time When You're In A Relationship

The Debrief: We're not just talking about wanking. Well, we are a bit

If you were to add up all the hours I’ve spent with my hand down my pants, I imagine you’d have the equivalent of at least four Gregorian calendars full. I am a well-documented wanker. As soon as I discovered I could make myself come, I realised I was a complete human home entertainment system. The only way that hanging out by myself could be more fun would be if I were to also start dispensing Boost bars from the crook of my left elbow.

However, your most faithful, consistent lovers are the ones you tend to neglect and take for granted. As a single girl, many’s the time I’d give myself a seeing to and collapse, exhausted against the pillows thinking, ‘This is a mug’s game! I have hand cramp! I need to get me into an LTR, so someone else can share the workload!’ If it had been a while, I’d mistily misremember all the bad sex and so-what sex as being superior to anything I could do on my own. What if I was turning into a sexual amoeba, dividing myself endlessly with no real purpose other than being a potential GCSE biology case study? 

Then I fell in love and started to have lots of sex with someone else, which meant I had less time for sex with myself. Unlesss I quit my job, or started wanking every Tuesday and Thursday evening at the local leisure centre and claimed it was a legitimate hobby, it was time to say so long to self love. 

And I missed it. I missed knowing my body in a separate, singular context. I loved having sex with my boyfriend, because I was learning to explore and understand someone else, building our bond – and sometimes the very best orgasms are the ones you aren’t in charge of. But I knew that getting to know my own body well had given depth and dimension to all the good things that happened in bed (and occasionally in taxis and at the cinema). Sometimes I felt like my hand was whispering resentfully to my fanny, ‘You said you’d keep in touch.’

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Sex and relationship counsellor Penny Knight explains, ‘No matter what your relationship status is, moderate masturbation is brilliant for your emotional and physical health. As long as it’s not detrimental to your shared sex life, ie you’re shutting each other out sexually in order to masturbate, it can only enhance it. Your desires don’t stay static, and learning what you like when you’re by yourself means that you have more to share when you’re together.’ A little bit like when my old work sent me on a course to learn how to use Lexis Nexis, and then gathered around me with their tongues hanging out of their mouths when I showed them my new database skills.

I’ve eventually worked out how to get down with he, myself and I, separately and together, with a little ingenuity and a lot of help from experts like Penny. Here’s how to do it. I hope you find my efforts deeply touching.

Brave The Bathroom

This is one place that you’re allowed to be alone and naked without anyone assuming/suspecting you’re doing something of a sexual nature. So get sexual. If you have a bathroom with an actual tub and not too many people to share it with, you’re probably not reading this, but in there right now, wallowing and wanking. Baths are the best for sexy exploration, but showers have their charms, too. Penny says, ‘If you haven’t touched yourself for a while, getting in the shower gives you a chance to look at your body and remind yourself of what you love about it. We’re very critical of ourselves, and rarely remember to demonstrate affection when we’re alone. So you could start off gently by stroking your breasts as you stroke them, or just really enjoying the sensation of the water on your skin. And then you can experiment with the different settings on your showerhead to see what gives you the best clitoral orgasm.’ Lovehoney has a great range of waterproof vibrators – but you might want to invest in a shower radio, too. ‘I wasn’t moaning! That was Nicki Minaj!’

Sext yourself

One way to remind yourself about how good it feels to have sex with yourself is to confirm your own sexiness with a lovely picture. I spent a lot of my working day looking at pictures of Kim Kardashian, and feeling inadequate – so it cheers me right up to know that with the right ratio of Amaro to tilt shift, my belfies might not be comparable, but they aren’t bad. My friend Katie adds, ‘I take so many sexy selfies – they’re not just pictures of myself, but pictures for myself. I’ve had various food issues and my weight goes up and down a bit. My boyfriend says he always fancies me, but there are only so many times that you can say, ‘Really? Are you sure?’ The front facing camera has changed my relationship with my body for the better, and reminded me that I have a wild side. I touch myself more, I’m hornier, less inhibited – and obviously my boyfriend is thrilled. Result!’

READ MORE: Inevitable Lies We've Told During Skype Sex 

Goose sauce

As in, what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander – or rather, if you extol the benefits of getting down with yourself, without your partner, you better be damn sure that they’re doing the same thing. Penny explains, ‘All people and relationships are different. In some cases it’s easy to have an open conversation about it, and sometimes you don’t even need to talk about it. However, sometimes one partner will feel a bit hurt or betrayed. It’s understandable, you just need to be very clear that what you do on your own is separate from what you do when you’re together – it’s no substitute and it can even help your relationship.’ My friend Tilly adds, ‘Once my boyfriend walked in on me and I freaked out, but he said it was a relief to know that he wasn’t the only one – and he thought it was hot. So now when I touch myself it feels like a sexy secret that we’re both in on, and I get turned on by the idea of him masturbating, too.’

Show your working

Wanking isn’t just about orgasms. There’s a lot of hugging and learning. Penny explains, ‘If you try something on your own and love it, you’ve got a great jumping off point to have a conversation with your partner about what you’d like them to do, and you’ll sound curious, not critical. You’ll be more confident together, too, because even if you feel a little shy about saying something out loud, you can always show them what worked.’ It’s not just about wanking – it’s education through demonstration!

Picture: Eylul Aslan 

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Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock