Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Friday, 18 March 2016

How to have an amazing threesome without being a dick

How To Have An Amazing Threesome Without Being A Dick

The Debrief: How do you go about getting a threesome and what do you do once you're actually there? Here's your cut-out-and-keep guide

I've had quite a few threesomes: in some of them I have been a dick. I need to get this out of the way because, when you're having a threesome, it's surprisingly easy to do this, so we must remain ever-vigilant against dickishness. I have made many many mistakes - from childish jealousy of our third person to greedily hogging all the fingers. I hope you can learn from these mistakes, take inspiration from the successes, and hone your threesome skills to make sure that all of you have the best goddamn time of your sexual lives

How to get a threesome 

If you're in an open relationship, or a poly relationship, then you're potentially going to be much better at this. People in poly relationships are generally more used to communicating about their sexual needs. I'm not going to teach polyamorous people how to suck any eggs, so let's focus on those who are either single or in a coupled relationship.  

There are essentially two routes here: a threesome with people you already know, or a threesome with strangers. 

If you're already in a couple, inviting a friend to join you has a number of benefits: you already know that you like them, and hopefully you already have a decent idea of their sexual tastes so communicating about what you all want is going to be easier. However, like all good chat-ups, be aware that you're probably not the first person who's wanted to bone your hot-as-hell friend, and tread gently. I'm talking mostly to straight couples looking to hook up with bi girls here. Of my bi female friends, 100% of them have been propositioned for threesomes, and 80% of those have been propositioned in quite a dickish way: 'oh well you fancy everyone, don't you? So why not?'  

When you're asking someone if they want to join you, don't ever make them feel pressured into it, or like the only reason you're asking them is because they're the one most likely to say 'yes.' Talk to them about why you fancy them and why they're amazing – not just why you 'reckon they'd be up for it.' And listen very carefully to their answer – 'it's flattering of you to ask' is a hell of a long way from 'yes.' 

The same is true if you're single and you want to get down with a couple. You're on dodgy ground if you only fancy one of them, but if you think they're both hot then bringing up your desire for a threesome in general conversation is a good way to go. For any threesome requests, especially with friends, casual chat is always a better intro than a desperate 'CAN I JOIN IN?' which could lead to massive awkwardness. 'Have you ever had/fantasised about a threesome?' is your starter for ten. 

If you don't have any friends you fancy, or you'd prefer the frisson of sizzling excitement that comes along with stranger sex, then the internet is your best mate here. Apps like 3nder are specifically designed to hook couples up with a third person. You can create a single or a couples profile, let the app know what you're looking for, then swipe 'yes' or 'no'. Key thing to remember if you're meeting strangers: just because there are three of you doesn't mean you have to throw online dating advice out of the window. Make sure to always meet them in a public place, and have a chat over a drink before you take them back to yours. After all, it's not just safety that matters – people who seem hot online may not be so in real life and it gives you all a chance to work out if you'll get along when you're naked. Anyone who refuses to do this, and insists on meeting straight away for banging, is likely to be a massive douchebag. Avoid.  

What is it like to have a threesome?

Here's the fun part: awesome. Having a threesome is awesome. It's like having sex with just two of you, only there's one more person to add moans and groans and magic sex tricks into the mix. 

The first ever threesome I had was a pretty magical affair involving me, a guy I loved, and a girl I had a giant and intense puppy-dog crush on. They were both very sexually experimental, chilled, and liable to giggle if one or other of us fell off the bed. Other threesomes have included guys who we met online (where a partner and I scrolled through profiles then went for a drink with the blokes we liked most, before deciding whether to bang them silly), or friends we brought home from the pub, who were horny about that kind of thing.  

I've had a couple of really sucky threesomes, one of which failed because the third person involved was not interested in me at all – he was gay. And while he made a quite valiant effort to include me in the otherwise intensely hot shenanigans, his heart wasn't really in it. We parted after an awkward day and a cup of tea, but there was an air of sadness about the whole thing. The other disastrous threesome was entirely my fault – a good friend of mine came home with me and my boyfriend after a fun night in the pub. We all got naked and sweaty, did some deliciously fun things, and then my ridiculous paranoid brain started firing 'warning' messages, and I had a jealous strop. I'll tell you: you've not known sexual awkwardness until you've watched me burst into tears halfway through getting head. Mea culpa. 

If I were to give you one piece of advice for during a threesome it's this: accept that this ain't going to be perfect. Like all sex, threesome sex is subject to the weird whims of people, so your ultimate fantasy may not live up to your expectations. If you've never had a threesome before, having one may make you feel differently about the fantasy or see the people you're with in a different light. That's OK. Prepare for it, communicate about it, and stop things if anyone is getting uncomfortable. 

What works in a threesome: 

- When all of you fancy each other

- When you're good at communicating what you want

What doesn't work in a threesome: 

- When one of you is intensely jealous and/or sees the threesome as some sort of performance or favour

- Picking someone at random just because you fancy a threesome rather than because you fancy them

Best sex positions for a threesome

One of the most commonly cited issues with threesomes is that often one person can feel a bit left out. But the corollary of this is that you can have amazing threesome sex by putting one person in what I'm going to call the 'throne.' This is where two of you conspire sexily to make the third person feel like they're the actual King or Queen for the day. 

Combos for this that you might want to consider: 

- Two people giving head to one person at the same time

- One person sitting on their cock or strap-on and the other sitting on their face

- Spitroast

I prefer the third, but that's because if it's an option I usually get to be in the middle. 

Other awesome threesome positions include:

- the 'chain' – where each of you is giving head to the other

- the 'pile' – where two of you shag in missionary, and one person is beneath the two of you being crushed by the weight of sexy awesomeness

- the 'reverse pile' – as above, except the 'free' person is on top where they get to use their hands and mouth to enhance the sexiness for both of you. 

Threesome positions I've not yet tried but goddammit, one day, I will:  

- The doggy sandwich, where I'm shagging someone with a strap-on and getting shagged at the same time from behind

- Double penetration, where I am sandwiched between two cocks. Or someone else is and I'm wielding one of the cocks. Let's be honest, I am not at all fussy. 

Threesome etiquette – during and after 

I've read two articles recently which advised you never to let your third person sleep over after a threesome. FYI, this is such total crap you could smell it from the moon. Here's the deal: a threesome is (or should be) no different in terms of etiquette to the shags you're having every day. Respect, communication, and consent are all key. The only thing that's different etiquette-wise is that you might have to work even harder for all of those things.  

Issues like jealousy can and probably will come up if you're not used to having group sex. Questions will certainly be raised around whether your third person (or you, if you're the one joining a couple) can borrow a toothbrush afterwards, or who gets to sleep in the middle of the bed. But there are no hard and fast rules for any of these things, as there are no hard and fast rules for which positions you need to take mid-threesome or whether you high-five afterwards.

Should your third stay over? Sure, if you all want them to. As long as that's communicated respectfully and politely, do what works best for you. Although I'll warn you: sleeping in the middle of a trio is ridiculously hot (in the sweaty sense) so if I were you I'd bagsy one of the spots on the outside of the bed. Etiquette-wise, the most important thing in my opinion is to make sure that everyone feels welcome and happy.  

Oh, and if the threesome happens at your house? You're on toast-making duty in the morning. 

Like this? Then you might also be interested in: 

Porn For Women - A Definitive Guide

The Cowgirl: Everything You Need To Know About Sex With A Woman On Top

The 69: The Good, The Bad And The Messy 

Follow the Girl on the Net on Twitter: @girlonthenet

Tags: Sex O\'Clock, Sex Ed