Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Thursday, 25 June 2015

How To Dress Up For Your Boyfriend Without Feeling Like A Dick

How To Dress Up For Your Boyfriend Without Feeling Like A Dick

The Debrief: From sexy scientist to sexy schoolgirl, here's how to dress up for your boyfriend

Photographed by Molly Cranna

Apparently one of the best ways to put the spice into your relationship is to drape yourself in satin and ribbons, or squeeze into a latex nun costume. While I've never been a nun for sexytimes (I've done it for Sound Of Music singalongs and the wimple was just too itchy), I have done a fair bit of sexy dress-up: lingerie, sexy scientist, schoolgirl, and many more. So if you're thinking of doing the dressing up thing, consider me your personal shopper. Step into my well-lit if slightly stained changing room while we go through some outfit options. 

Sexy lingerie

Sounds relatively safe, doesn't it? Who doesn't like lingerie? The answer, sadly, is my boyfriend, who will stare, baffled, at stockings and suspenders as if to say 'where have your normal pants gone?' 

If your other half likes this stuff, though, the good news is that there's plenty to choose from. If I were you I'd focus less on what you think looks lovely and more on what you think looks different. One of the key horny factors about dressing up for sex is that you're doing something out of the ordinary, so if most of your knickers are pink then for God's sake don't go for the matching Barbie-colour set. 

Naturally I don't want you to go overboard on the oddness – your comfort is pretty key to whether you'll have a good time. Don't pick a basque that you have to twist your spine to get into, or anything that's really tricky to take off, but if you have a choice between 'safe' and 'makes me feel different', I'd go for the latter. After all, there's nothing more disappointing than getting dolled up and having someone fail to notice.

Other lingerie

It doesn't have to be scratchy and uncomfortable in order to count as lingerie – plenty of people fetishise things at the softer end of the spectrum. Again, the key here is to be different. The very act of donning something unusual is sexy as hell, and if you lounge hornily on the bed while you're wearing it, they'll get the picture. 

Things that have worked for me in the past include: soft cotton pyjama bottoms cut very very short, long woolen socks from American Apparel, and a gentleman's own boxer shorts. As we have learned from all those films where women wake up in the morning and just appropriate big shirts from a dude's wardrobe, there's literally nothing sexier than clothes theft. 

'Sexy' costumes

You'll probably be thinking about the basics here: slutty nurse, slutty schoolgirl, slutty Starbucks barista, basically anything that comes with a specific uniform which can be sluttified is fair game. But beware: you want to avoid actual reality at all costs. If your other half works in a hospital, unless they've specifically requested a nurse outfit, don't pick this one: it'll only remind them of work. The last thing you want mid-shag is for them to be reminded that they've got a scary meeting first thing tomorrow morning. 

While we're at it, let's have a quick chat about school uniform. I'm not going to pretend this isn't a fantasy for a hell of a lot of people, not least because I have been known – as an adult – to dress up like a schoolgirl and ask total strangers to spank me (at specific sex clubs, not randomly in the supermarket or anything). Here's the deal, though: never under any circumstances go 'oh I'll just dig out my old school uniform.' Why? Because you're a grown-up now and your uniform probably doesn't fit you, meaning you have a super-unsexy time trying to find it, an even less sexy time trying to put it on, and when you finally think you've nailed it you look in the mirror and remember that your real life school uniform wasn't nearly slutty enough for what you've got in mind. My own school had a skirt policy that meant you couldn't wear anything above the knee, and when you rolled it up you looked like you had a python stuffed down your knickers. Use your tie, by all means, but leave the uniform alone. 

Special interest costumes

These ones come in a separate category, based on what your other half has expressed an interest in. The main thing here is to a) use your imagination and b) look at porn. Because I have a massive nerd fetish, I've known a lot of boys who were into Star Wars, so I could cop out with a sexy princess Leia number. However, having perused a lot of Star Wars porn, and had a few enlightening chats with guys I'm humping, I know that the 'sexy Storm Trooper' look will be far more popular, in virtue of its novelty. Alternatively, naked but for the cloak of a Jedi warrior. I don't have the helmet for the former, but I do have the cloak for the latter, and the bonus is you can reuse the cloak at halloween. It doesn't have to be Star Wars, of course: you can sexify any movie character or profession by half-arsing on the costume, and just wearing a token bit of it. Sexy footballer? Get his team shirt and twin it with absolutely no shorts whatsoever. Sexy scientist? Grab a ten pound lab coat from Amazon and pop it on over your birthday suit. Trust me. 

If the costumes and the lingerie sound too tricky or expensive, then you can do a simple, budget version for less than a fiver. Head to Marks and Spencer (or wherever it is people buy their knickers from when they're not lazy and thirty like I am), and grab a pair of the skimpiest pants you can lay your hands on: there, that's your costume. When you get home, take off all the rest of your clothes and pop on those knickers. While the ribbon and latex and school uniform might give the 'wow' factor, sometimes the simple things get you the best results. 

Once you've picked your costume, you need to make sure you time the moment right. I failed utterly at this when I got dolled up in a whole set of cheap lingerie to impress an ex-boyfriend. Excitedly, I hobbled round to his house. Making my sultriest face, I removed the outer layers of clothes, and stood in front of him like the least likely FHM cover girl who'd got lost on the way to a shoot. Expecting him to fall on me with his tongue hanging out and his penis pointing straight at the ceiling, imagine my disappointment when he just looked at his watch and stammered that he had to go and meet a friend in half an hour. It was a long, uncomfortable journey to go and meet that friend, and I never wore the basque again.

So you've picked a good costume, you've made sure your timing's right, but you're still thinking 'what if I still look like a dick, though?' I understand your concerns. Truth is, the kind of things we do in the bedroom are often the things most likely to make us look like dicks: weird positions, gurning orgasm faces, the whole shebang. But we take these risks for the ultimate rewards: the kind of enthusiastic, oh-my-God-you-didn't sexing we'll be thinking about during lonely moments for many years to come. If you've chosen a costume that you know they'll find sexy, and picked your moment right, then no matter how much of a dick you feel, you'll be a sex kitten in their eyes.

Liked this? Then you may also be interested in:  

The Best Sex Clubs To Go To If You're Not Sure You Like Sex Clubs

8 Ways TV And Movies Lied To Us About Sex

How To Get Fingered Even Though You're Too Old For A School Disco

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Photographed by Molly Cranna

Tags: Sex