How (Not) To Have Sex In The Water
The Debrief: Snotty pools and nosy fish around your bits: why sex underwater should be nobody's wet dream
We've seen it in the movies: the glimmering pool, the candlelit bath, the steamy shower scene. Weird that none of them end with on a sodden bath mat, or with a humiliation wet patch at a tapas restaurant. Here's what to beware of if you're having sex in H2 'oh look i've cracked my head open'...
If you're into the idea of the waves lapping at your genitals then you may have boldly given sex in the sea a go. Personally It's always puzzled me why anyone would bother. The slimy seaweed around your bits, the curious fish and the current are all salty hurdles in your quest for an orgasm. While at sea, shallow waters are your only option. Steady yourself on a rock and your slashed bottom will make you instant shark bait. In the open water privacy is also a fairly glaring issue. A friend of mine once stole away to a shallow cove on Grecian holiday for a romantic fumble when a jolly elderly canoer paddled up wish them a good afternoon. Because she says 'he thought we were having a cuddle'. Bless.
The Archimedes Principle
You may not have been paying much attention in GCSE physics, but if you've ever tried to have sex in the bath it will all have literally come flooding back to you. That Greek Philosopher might've had his Eureka moment washing his bits, but you really tested his theory by bashing yours against someone else's. It all starts off very romantic with the lathering and the nice smells... until things hot up and buckets of water start slapping on the tiles. After about five minutes of this preposterous soapy charade you'll find yourself on the (now completely sodden) bathroom floor making sweet love while looking at the underside of all of your bathroom appliances. Nobody ever cleans the underside do they?
Did they give you a banana in a bucket of water in your sex ed? Did they rub salt in your eyes, spin the bucket round really fast and get you open a condom wrapper under there? Well they should have done because A) nobody does condoms underwater B) that would have been really great to watch. If you have ever actually tried to put a connie on underwater PLEASE get in touch and let me know how it went. As for the rest of you filthy animals, SHAME ON YOU for spreading all those waterborne feSTIs you picked up in Croatia.
Whoever invented sex in the shower was clearly born inhumanly strong with rubber grips on the bottoms of their feet. They have definitely never spent four hours in A and E waiting to have 16 stitches in their bleeding head. No episode of Casualty has ever started out with a shower scene, but as a matter of public health there should be as many warnings about shower sex as there are about sparklers. If you manage to stay upright and conscious in your tiny, non-Playboy mansion shower, it will likely mean one person spends some time shivering.
When it comes to fellatio, nothing comes closer to water boarding than giving a blozzle under the nozzle. Other hazards include: being thrust backwards through the glass door, accidentally whacking the temperature to scolding/freezing and literally breaking your neck. Always wear a helmet folks.
READ MORE: How To Have Sex
By the time you hit your twenties one hopes you've got down that greasing the wheels is a top-of-the list essential for good bonking. You may also now know that plunging your er, selves into the blue washes away all the good stuff. Get it wet, and what you're left with is the genital equivalent of squeezing your foot into tiny rubber flipper. All this makes for a pretty chafey erotic experience and (beep beeep) a possible yeast infection. Fun!
After a couple of sangrias with your other half you've totally forgotten that swimming pools are essentially soup of snot and plasters and decide to goferrit while it's quiet. A bit of substandard-even-for-you hanky panky in the hotel pool and off you go about your holiday business. Beware: nothing can quite prepare a woman for that freakishly warm jet of water that you were definitely not expecting, two hours after the act. Nobody wants that. Especially not in a family tapas restaurant.
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Picture: Henri Cartier-Bresson/Magnum Photos
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