Can I Use Science/The Internet To Learn How To Give Myself Multiple Orgasms In A Week?
The Debrief: Turns out it’s the difference between an 18 course gourmet tasting menu and eating a Pret sandwich over a bin
For every slightly significant thought I have, there’s a line from The Simpsons in which Homer demonstrates my attitude more clearly than I can when I use my own words. For example, when Homer is flying First Class and is offered a dinner choice of either “Steak? Or two steaks?” and replies “Can I have both?” That’s how I feel about orgasms.
I think that in some ways, orgasms are a lot like wealth. The people who have access to lots, whenever they want, are encouraged to feel smug and superior without any real qualification or justification. We’re all told to strive for more in order to improve our quality of life. We’re greedy for it/them, but the people who are orgasmically wealthy, or just plain wealthy, are annoyingly vague about how it happens (‘You see, my great - grandmother was orgasmic, so…’) Most of us don’t have access to that much information about what makes us orgasmic, or how to make ourselves more orgasmic. And ‘multiple orgasm’ is an expression like ‘Death By Chocolate’ or ‘All expenses paid trip to the Seychelles’ - we know these things are great, but we’re made to feel as though we should wait for the universe to bestow them before we take matters into our own hands. Yes, that is a weak masturbation pun, and no, I am not sorry.
For a long time, I believed that a multiple orgasm was some kind of cubed climax, a kind of sex peyote journey in which one, should they be having sex with a cis gentleman, ends up literally tripping balls. So I was surprised and delighted to find out what everyone else probably knew all along - it just means having lots in one go.
My friend Jenna*, a 29 year old policy officer tells me ‘That was the ultimate revelation when I met my girlfriend. I’d dated guys before, and as much as I love having sex with men, there is a sense that once they’ve come, you’re done - physiologically it’s harder for men to have an orgasm immediately after they’ve ejaculated. I’d had multiple orgasms before, but it happens much more frequently when you can both just keep going. If I’ve come once, I’m going to come harder and faster the second and third time around because I’m relaxed, I’m much more sensitive, the blood is rushing and I’m already ready to go.’
Dr Rachel Carlton Abrams, who co-authored The Multi Orgasmic Woman explains that half the secret is knowing what your body is capable of. ‘After you've gotten there for the first time, rather than switching off mentally and sexually — which is what you do when you assume you've reached the finale — you need to remain expectant and open to further arousal. It’s all about knowing that your body is fully capable, even built, to experience deeper, longer, and more frequent orgasms.’ In the words of the internet’s Fistpump Baby, LET’S FUCKING DO THIS.
At first, I start by myself, in my bedroom, with a Lelo Lily (a fabulous gift from a kindly PR) and a bottle of Sh! lube (model’s own). At first, I make myself come quickly and impatiently - I put the lube on like I’m dousing chips with ketchup, I put the Lily on its speediest setting and I hold it against my clit while squeezing my pelvic floor. It takes a little while to start feeling sexy, possibly because I’ve approached this task with the same level of tenderness that I apply to renewing my contact lens prescription - and then I’m over and done in about 40 seconds. It feels great, but the area is a little numb and desensitised, the sex version of sleeping on your hand or using brown Listerine.
I try to keep going, but nothing is happening. I feel too sensitive, yet not sensitive enough. Sulkily, I Google the problem with my left hand and find some thoughts from gynaecologist Dr Michael Krychman ‘The more you want a multiple orgasm, the less likely it is that you’re going to have one. Stress, fatigue, and monitoring all factor into the orgasmic experience.’ So I put my knickers back on and eat some toast.
Although I’m quite depressed about the fact that I didn’t want to keep having sex with myself, Dr Michael’s words stay in my head and make me realise that I tend to have my biggest and best orgasms when I have to wait for them. My husband drives me crazy - in a good way - when he knows exactly how to get me off, but takes his time. If I’m going to have a multiple orgasm, I think I need to make love to myself, instead of simply wanking myself off.
I try again, and I’m super slow. I rub my nipples through the thin fabric of my t shirt, I use the Lily, on a lower setting, by moving it over my inner thighs, slowly edging it towards my labia and below my belly button, forcing myself to pull back the moment I’m close. I haven’t been this frustrated with myself since I drunkenly left £30 hanging out of a cashpoint. I use a much smaller amount of lube, which seems to multiply my own wetness instead of making me feel like I’ve accidentally tipped a bottle of Volvic down my front. I have the sort of long, drawn out, full body cosmic orgasm that makes me think I’d probably be a really great yoga teacher. I go back in for another, trying, and failing, not to rush it. Then I try for a third, only to give up and Google ‘carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms’.
Thinking of yoga teachers reminds me of yoga, which reminds me that even though I constantly fall out of The Tree, going to classes has always been great for my sex life because it makes me calmer, more relaxed and less likely to derail my own orgasms with cheerful thoughts about upcoming council tax bills. So the next day, I do some intense yoga* (*for beginners. On Youtube) and reward myself with some even more intense self love. Guess who has two (knackered) thumbs and three orgasms?!
It’s easier to do a multi point turn when you’re in the driving seat, as it were - so my next challenge was to share my research with my husband. My friend Hélène, a 28 year old teacher tells me that she’s recently been having amazing weekend sex by masturbating before her boyfriend wakes up. ‘We both love morning sex, but it takes me a little while to get into it, so I’ve just started making myself come while he’s still asleep, and I’m having multiple orgasms as a result. Usually I come quickly through penetrative sex, and I get quite impatient, so this slows me down a bit and draws it out.’ Aha! It’s the difference between an 18 course gourmet tasting menu and eating a Pret sandwich over a bin! I try it, Hèléne style, and throw in the vibe for luck - quite by accident, we discover that I can have seemingly infinity orgasms if my husband uses it on the back of my knee.
I shall probably end up broke, friendless and unemployed, as I never want to leave the bedroom again. Multiple orgasms > everything else. However, I know I need to check my orgasm privilege and remember that when it comes to sex, it is better to travel than to arrive. (This stupid expression does not apply to actual holidays.) I’ve adored my multiple orgasm experiment because it has helped me to know my body better, and to love it more. Stroking myself and discovering some new erogenous zones has boosted my ego like a day at the seaside with Oprah. Ultimately it’s not about multiple orgasms, but about making friends with yourself along the way. Just be positive, be patient, and remember that you can always use more lube, but it’s hard to get it back in the bottle.
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