Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Thursday, 26 February 2015

Handjob Tips, As Learned From Eager Pervy Guys

The Debrief: No basics here - these are for hand shandy aficionados only

Ready for your daily dose of complete and utter filth? Good. Here are some hand job tips. And I don’t just mean ‘switch hands occasionally so your dominant arm doesn’t cramp up and give out on you’ – I mean a selection of the most unusual techniques I’ve picked up from the pervy guys I’ve shagged.

I’ll admit up front that I’m terrible at ‘standard’ hand jobs. I don’t have a cock, so learning to jerk one just right is like learning how to drive a motorbike when you’re used to a Volkswagen Golf. What’s more, I have no right-arm stamina at all, and there’s Cheddar where my biceps used to be. I can barely shake out a blob or two of ketchup, so shaking an orgasm out of an adult man who’s used to his own death-grip wanking requires something a little bit extra.

Tips, tricks, special manouvres – all these can help give a boost to the sexiness of a wank and ensure that while your hand might not be doing exactly what he does, you’ve nailed it with that special edge.

I first started collecting weird hand job techniques when my first ever boyfriend introduced me to what I’ll call the ‘campfire’. Whether he’d been browsing the weirder Cosmo tips pages or he’d just had a lonely evening in a tent at the scouts, I’ll never know.

But the idea is that instead of rubbing up and down the shaft, you place it between your two hands and gently roll from side to side. Like a slower version of twiddling a stick to start the aforementioned fire.

There’ll be guys reading this and then immediately filing restraining orders to avoid having me within 100 feet of their penis. I know this because when I tried this ‘magic trick’ on the next guy I shagged, instead of hailing me as a new sexual messiah he laughed like a tortured hyena then slapped my hands away.

So. As with all of my sex tips (and especially the weirder ones), please bear in mind that while some people will love them, others would rather be chased by a bear. Always double-check first, because there’s nothing less sexy than a ‘what the fuck?’ when you’re aiming for a ‘win’.

Medical gloves

There’s something about that snap sound when you pull them on, apparently. Also the smell of latex. Oh, and all the implications planted in impressionable teenage minds when Stiffler got bum-fingered off a nurse in American Pie.

While latex gloves can certainly be used for bum-fingering, they can also be used to spice up an otherwise vanilla hand-shandy.

Lube’s a must here too, because latex pulls tightly on the skin. But lube plus rubber plus the delicious sense of distance that you get from a no-touch wank? Yeah, that does it for some guys.

I knew one who claimed that just the noise of the glove being snapped on gave him an instant erection, and another for whom putting gloves on his lady friend is almost orgasmic in itself. Niche, but nifty, if you’re with the right dude.

Pros: You can use leftover gloves for dyeing your hair.

Cons: You have be ‘that person’ in the chemist with a bottle of lube and rubber gloves. Chuck in a pack of wet wipes and really go to town.

Stress position

Like those psychology experiments where they left children in rooms with a shiny box, and told them on no account to open the box, sometimes being told not to do something can make it inevitable that you will.

If you’re with someone who’s naturally submissive, stress positions can be your best friend. Beating 10 shades of crap out of them is one kind of achievement, but inflicting pain and suffering without even having to touch them? Winner.

What you’re looking for here is a position that’s quite easy for him to get into, but searing agony if held for a long time. One of my favourites: on tiptoes, legs apart and slightly bent and hands against the wall.

While your partner’s in that position, get your hand in place on their genitals and go at it until they start wobbling, ideally while shouting instructions at them like an angry sergeant-major and telling them they’re a dirty soldier.

Of course, it doesn’t work for everyone – some people will find the ‘don’t do it’ thing hot, as well as the physical sensation of self-induced muscle pain. Others will find it so off-putting that they won’t be able to come at all.

So if you’re going for the sexy ‘stand in this position while I touch you and don’t even think about coming’ then make sure it’s something that he thinks will work well – it’s demoralising to say ‘don’t come’ only for a guy to respond ‘don’t flatter yourself’.

Pros: Get to feel powerful and badass like a sexual superwoman.

Cons: If he falls over halfway through, you have to be ready to catch him. Jizz-hands or no jizz-hands.

Finger up the arse

This one needs no explanation – all hail the wonders of the prostate.

Pros: You get more use out of those gloves you just bought.

Cons: You have to trim down your fabulous nails.

Fleshlight

The original and best. Look, no one goes through the rigmarole of squeezing their laundry through a mangle any more, do they? That’s because science and technology have combined to give us washing machines which do all that crap for us.

And while bare-hand wanking won’t go out of fashion any time soon, science has nevertheless given us the gift of special tools and implements that make some tasks easier.

Fleshlights – which look a bit like a bum (or a vagina, or a mouth) in a can, are magical. There are plenty of different brands, just search ‘male masturbator’ on your favourite sex toy website and you’ll find loads.

You might even ask your partner if they already own one – male sex toys have rapidly grown in popularity over the last few years, and it’s more than possible that you know someone who’s desperate to let you in on their top-drawer secret.

Pros: They do the grip-work so you don’t have to. Bye bye muscle burn.

Cons: ‘Hey baby, I bought you a bum in a can.’

Shoelaces

This one’s my favourite. Not because I like knots particularly, but because I like a dick so hard you could break rocks with it.

How do you do it? Take a shoelace and an eager penis, and wrap item A around the base of item B. From here you can play jazz a bit – I like to bring up each end of the shoelace from the base of the cock, above the balls and round, before giving it one final wrap around the base of the cock and tying a neat little bow.

Hey presto: a rock-solid, extra-sensitive cock, complete with throbbing head that you can tease a bit with your fingers. I find that the more teasing before you go in for the rapid wanking, the easier it is to get where you want to go.

Obviously, it’s important to make sure you can remove this easily – you’re aiming for those simple shoelace knots that you can undo by pulling on a string. While it’s handy to have safety scissors on hand just in case, it’s best to avoid putting blades near someone else’s genitals. Total mood-killer.

Pros: Solid cock, plus you get to show off your girl-scout knot skills.

Cons: Requires very steady hands.

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

Female Masturbation Myths Men Have Unfortunately Picked Up From Porn 

A Flick Of The Wrist: Let’s Revisit Hand Jobs 

Five Totally Underrated Sex Acts 

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Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock, Sex Ed