Verity Charmer | Contributing Writer | Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Dirty Squirters And How To Tackle Leftover Juices

Genius Reddit Thread Tells You Everything You NTK About Female Ejaculation

The Debrief: Because for some, squirting can be a really, really big problem

I should probably start by admitting that ) I am NOT a squirter and b) I have no immediate plans to become one. But spare a thought for those women who find themselves ejaculating everywhere everytime they have sex. Basically every shag is inevitably followed by a trip to the washing machine, and I never realised quite what a problem this could be until I stumbled across this Reddit thread from a self-confessed heavy-duty squirter Dijie. She fills us in on what a massive palaver female ejaculation actually is, which is pretty revelatory: 'I wasn’t making wet spots, I was making puddles. I started putting down towels. I found that I would easily soak through one, double folded bath towel (four layers of towel). I still had wet spots to deal with! More towels? Now I’m laundering an extra load of towels every few days. There really had to be a better solution.'

And because she's a very lovely person, she then goes on to suggest some actual, practical things you can buy to help deal with your latest (possibly hypothetical) squirting episode. We've pulled out some of the best bits just for you. Also, special sex blankets are a thing, who knew? 

For starters, Dijie suggests the Liberator Fascinator Throe. A supremely plush over-blanket specially lined to soak-up any unwanted evidence of that mega-orgasm you just shot out and is also machine washable. Available in up to six different shades and ready to be shoved over any home furnishings you want to protect from, and I quote, ‘your throes of passion.’ At £100 a pop, you better hope that five-start customer review means it’ll leave your bedding spotless and your love life laundry free.

Or you could always try the Love Bumper Vancouver Blanket. Named after one of the world’s wettest cities; the Vancouver hoover soaks up more moisture than just your run-of-the-mill throw and won’t feel the need to change positions when you do.  

Of course ultra-squirters will know that there's nothing worse than a pool of unwanted liquid sitting right under your bottom post shag. For this it’s suggested that the Comfortnights Washable Absorbent Bed Pad (with wings) will do a spectacular job at keeping everything dry. This bad boy absorbs up to 4 litres of fluid and by my count that’s an orgasm yet to be reached by anyone. And that crinkling sound? Forget about it! it boasts ninja-like noise levels because no-one wants to sound like their shagging a giant nappy. Did I mention that they also do free delivery? 

Squirters in need can also benefit from this handy little tip - apparently washing and drying your pads before their maiden voyage will allow for better absorption as well as long lasting durability. Useful things, those Reddit forums... 

Like this? You might also be interested in:

Sex Toy Maintenance 101

How To Get Fingered Even Though You're Too Old For A School Disco

How To Go From Being A Big Dick To A Small Dick

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Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock