Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | 1,127 day ago

Cost Per Orgasm: How Not To Calculate The Value Of A Date

The Debrief: A 'dating expert' has claimed that men should start rating their dates at 'cost versus orgasm.' Sex blogger Girl On The Net explains why this is, of course, a horrible idea.

Calling all singletons! Are you sick of spending your hard-earned money on fun things like meals out and trips to the cinema? Do you wish that we'd just stop pussyfooting around with our complex notions of 'fun' and 'companionship' and instead come up with a way to calculate the return on your investment in the dating game? You're in luck! A complete and utter twat has found the answer.

Enter 'dating expert' Dawson Stone – you'll see in a minute why there are scare quotes around both of those words. Dawson has come up with a radical new way to calculate the benefit of your dating life. It is called the 'cost per orgasm.' It means exactly what you think it means.

Dawson asserts that you can calculate the value of the time you spend with any given individual by setting the cost of your interactions (dinner, for instance) against the benefit you've received (hand shandy at the bus stop).

What's that you say? Dating is about more than simply bringing each other to a swift and efficient climax? Surely not. I mean, I thought that the whole point of being a human being was to measure each and every interaction by the specific ways in which it meets your basic needs. This man gave me a sandwich: he has sated my hunger and therefore proved his value. This other guy has wanked me into a froth: he has sated my lust and therefore was well worth the cookie I gave him when he arrived at my front door.

Of course, those readers familiar with 'dating expertise' will be aware of the gigantic and laughable mistake I made in the paragraph above – that this 'cost per orgasm' calculation should be used by both men and women. Of course it shouldn't. DO NOT MAKE ME LAUGH MY DELICATE PINK KNICKERS OFF.

READ MORE:  Male Ego Versus Female Orgasm: What Men Are Really Thinking When You Come 

Women, as 'dating experts' know full well, neither desire sex nor have the means to pay for dates. In fact, reading between the lines of Dawson's theory, it sounds like dating consists exclusively of men opening their wallets and hurling dollar bills at flapping wait staff until the woman is so impressed she tears all her clothes off and insists on contributing her fair share in kind.

He takes it further, though, so you married couples get to join in as well. It's not just a calculation for the first, second, or even third date. According to Dawson, the value of a marriage can also be calculated using the 'cost per orgasm' (or 'CPO', as he insists on calling it, like a nightmare management consultant hell-bent on expressing his tedious claptrap via PowerPoint and smug acronyms).

It's possible – and I'm being very generous to him here – that he doesn't base all of his relationship decisions on this one simple formula. Nevertheless, what our pal Dawson is saying, basically, is that the va you, balanced against how often she has milked semen from your penis.

Just in case anyone who believes in the CPO is reading this, here are a few (but by no means all) of the reasons why it cannot possibly stand up. Women have orgasms too! And they also contribute money! So any calculation based on 'cost per orgasm' could just as feasibly be done from the other side, and – for me, at least, given that it can be tricky to orgasm with someone I'm fairly new with – I suspect the CPO would be much higher.

As soon as you start quantifying your relationship based on arbitrarily chosen units (in this case: money and orgasms) you open yourself up to a partner calculating things differently. If it becomes, quite literally, a monetary equation, then what is to stop me billing you for my time when I've spent two hours on a date with you only to find out you're this sort of cunt? That'll be 60 quid please, mate.

READ MORE: It's National Orgasm Day! Here's What I Wish I Could Tell My 21-Year-Old Self About Orgasms 

It writes off as valueless every single thing that a partner does for you that does not involve your sexual climax. Compliments, hugs, pints she buys you, times she travels halfway across London at midnight just to see you – anything. It also writes off anything you do that doesn't involve paying for things, thus perpetuating the cycle of 'you paying for things' and bringing your dratted 'CPO' ever higher.

I feel a bit sorry for him at this point, and I suspect you do too. But although it's pretty obvious that the 'CPO' theory is crap, why do I feel it's important to shred it into tiny pieces over the course of a thousand-word rant? After all, it's just one internet arsehole, and if I were to get this angry about every arsehole on the internet, I'd never get round to having lunch.

The reason it's important to call him on this bullshit is that it rests on the same foundation as so much other crap: the assumption that sex is something men must 'earn' from women. Working up from this foundation, we get a load of other relationship myths that cause us all manner of problems:

- The myth that the male orgasm is the only key thing that matters during intercourse, and female pleasure is an unlikely yet occasionally welcome surprise.

-The idea that women are the stingy guardians of vaginal pleasure, doling out access reluctantly, and being judged harshly if we succumb to desires we're supposed to pretend we don't have and end up 'giving it up' too easily.

-The understanding (thankfully no longer universal) that men should cough up for all the dating expenses and – yes - the subsequent pathetic sense of entitlement and rage when a girl refuses to suck him off for cocktails.

These things and more all exist – they're real. The expectations, the misery and the bullshit that springs neatly from our narrative that men want sex and women want money. For every example you can find where a woman's insisted on dinner before a fuck, I'll find you one where she hasn't. For every guy who spent £200 on a date, I'll find you one who insisted on splitting the bill and got far more respect for it than his eagerly-spending counterpart. For every man who's forked out a hundred quid and been dumped at the bus stop, I'll show you a woman who's been pressured and wheedled into sexual contact because she felt guilty over the bill. The reason these things happen is because the underlying assumption is bullshit: women want more than just money, and men want more than just sex. Each relationship (whether casual or long term) is a complex mixture of give, take, share, compromise, enjoy, muddle through, and a thousand other things.

No human interaction will ever be reducible to a formula. It's a shame that it takes one douchebag with a calculator and a seriously bad idea to show us just how true that is.

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Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock, Dating Confusion, Sexism