Can An Apple Watch Improve Your Sex Life?
The Debrief: We got an Apple Watch and tried to have sex using it. Here are the results.
People with Apple Watches are 40-year-old bald men who work for tech magazines. Or incredibly high-powered women who work in jobs with titles that involve words like ‘multi-platform consultant’ and ‘technological’ and ‘job’. Not 27-year-olds who currently don’t have anywhere to live and don’t understand what taxes are.
But I have one, and it’s excellent. You can send texts by speaking into your own wrist. You can set reminders by talking into your own wrist. Essentially, you can talk into your own wrist and stuff happens, but let’s get real here, for just one minute in our little lives. What’s the point in having wearable tech if it doesn’t improve your sex life?
I can send texts with my voice on a phone and, sure, it’s not on my wrist, but if I balance my phone on my wrist then it feels similar. The one major difference about the Apple Watch is that it treads a dangerous line between incredibly geeky and incredibly sexy, so I decided to experiment with it in terms of getting down to the sex beat. As in, doing it. As in, having sex.
Here’s how I fared. Hint: it’s not hugely compatible with bonking, unfortch.
Firstly, the design of the watch means that, when you lift up your wrist, it lights up and tells you whatever you’ve programmed it to tell you. In my case, I’ve got the time, the date, and the next upcoming appointment on my calendar because my ability to remember dates is only marginally worse than my ability to think I’ve remembered dates and confidently turn up on the wrong day to the wrong thing.
Anyway, to put it bluntly, the design of the Apple Watch isn’t handjob friendly. It’s difficult to remain in the moment while having any hand-based sex-time when your own wrist blaringly reminds you that it’s Remembrance Sunday on every up stroke.
Same goes for wanking.
Don’t wank using a Watch. No, it doesn’t really support video as of yet (you can check out vines but that’s about it) so Watch porn remains a distant dream, but even if you’re using your mindpower to get yourself off, there’s something distracting about being constantly reminded how long you’ve been doing it for.
Apple Watch sexting
You have to, unfortunately, use Siri which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because, saying your sexts aloud to your own wrist can be surprisingly sexy and also helps you out with dirty talk if you’re the sort of person who can’t say anything filthy without laughing hysterically/doing a weird German accent.
The down side is, if you’re the sort of person who laughs hysterically/does a weird German accent, Siri won’t be able to pick it up. Also, you can’t sext in public places.
If all else fails, you can use the handy range of non-Siri-based texting templates to keep the sexting going from the other end.
Them: I want to have sex with you in a cupboard
You: Yes, please
Them: I’d start kissing you on your hot bod
Them ‘Then I’d put my penis in you’
You: No problem!
Them: And we would have sex
You: On my way!
Them: Are you going to come?
See? Nobody would be able to tell you’re using text templates. It’s bulletproof.
The cool thing about the Watch is that you can download loads of apps onto it, using a control panel type app on your iPhone (helpfully called ‘Watch’ and accompanied by a picture of a Watch). The slightly less cool thing is that the range of apps for actual sex that are Watch optimised are rather limited. Here’s a brief rundown and how they worked for me:
Love Radio Pro (£2.29)
Romantic music for lovers. Turned this on for five seconds and turned it off because I felt ill.
Love Sex (£2.29)
Like those rude dice you bought from Ann Summers/very slightly risque shops when you were a teenager that had verbs on and nouns on the other. Sex verbs and sex nouns, though, like ‘lick’ and ‘boob’. The point of these dice is to use as enablers at adult parties where everyone clearly wants to fuck each other, but they’re too nervous to actually say so, and teenage parties where everyone wants to fuck each other, but they’re too nervous to say so and can’t stop laughing at the word ‘boob’ long enough to actually ‘lick’ one.
The Love Sex app is no different – fun if you’re a teenager who needs telling what to do, a bit of a pain in the arse when you’re an adult grown-up person who can decide when and where they want to put their mouth. Bit of fun though, innit.
Daily Love Quotes (free)
You get sent love quotes, daily. This is as arousing as it sounds (not very).
A platform where couples can chat privately. Presumably so people don’t tell you to stop clogging their news feed with gross heart emojis. Only thing is, there’s another platform where couples can chat privately without having people tell you to stop clogging their news feed with gross heart emojis and it’s called Whatsapp. Or texting. Or Facebook messenger. Or real mouth talking.
Pick up line a day (free)
Sent today’s one to a real life male. It was ‘Is that a banana in your pants, cause I want to ape you’. It went well:
Nothing like sending someone a pick-up line you don’t understand, typo it three times, and have the other person patiently explain to you what it means on a more literal level. The complexity of the pick-up lines aside, pick-up lines are basically the anti-boner. So yeah, this isn’t that great.
Apple Watch sex
Third-party apps might suck, but the actual functions on an Apple Watch are a bit better, if you’re creative. For example, if you’re the sort of person who likes watching themselves have sex then you can set up your iPhone somewhere useful (blue tac it to the ceiling, maybe?) and then control it from your wrist while you’re banging away.
If, like me, the thought of seeing yourself have sex makes you turn into one of the poor unfortunate souls in popular Disney classic The Little Mermaid, you can do other fun stuff. Like use the workout app during a shagging session to see just how good for you it was.
Not only does it congratulate you halfway through with a trophy (I got one after about 40 minutes), you can start challenging yourself to burn more calories and go for longer, if that’s what you’re into. You have to hit start on the workout app though, which sort of dampens the organic joy of sex. Especially if the other person sees you doing this and thinks your timing them.
As I’ve found out, people don’t like being timed, rated or tracked by a device on your wrist when they’re attempting to make you come. Probably best to utilise the Apple Watch for its many other excellent qualities, such as being able to pay for stuff with your wrist, talking to your wrist and, yeah, all the wrist-based stuff you can think of apart from wanking.
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