Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Monday, 9 February 2015

Broken His Penis? Your Mum Caught You Having Sex? How To Recover From A Sexual Disaster

The Debrief: Accidentally called out the wrong name mid coitus? Don't worry, there's a cure for that...

You know the expression ‘pork sword’? The first time I gave it any serious consideration was when I leaped upon my boyfriend for some exciting carnal times, only to leap off again because I was in a lot of pain. Agonising, searing pain. Something had gone horribly wrong. I looked down and saw blood. ‘Oh no! It’s BROKEN! I am GOING TO DIE!’ I thought woozily. Do you remember being very little, and falling over a lot? Can you recall that sharp sense of nausea that would take hold before the pain really kicked in? It was pretty grim when you gashed your knees. It’s really, really awful when you gash your gash.

Convinced I was dying, I decided to make my dignity debt even deeper by demanding that my boyfriend used my iPhone to take a picture of the injury, so I could study it at close quarters and work out how far from death I really was. I saw a red line to the left of my foof, maybe two inches long. I wasn’t sure how quite so much blood had come out. I looked at my boyfriend, hoping he might say ‘Sorry, this happens to me all the time! I have an especially pointed penis. When this happened to my ex it was like watching a goth set off a fire hydrant.’ But he looked as scared as me. ‘Do you want to go to hospital?’ he whispered? ‘Shall I ring for an ambulance?’

A few panicked group emails and a lot of Googling later, I learned that I wasn’t going to die - at least, not from this. Vaginal tearing can happen during sex, due to ‘inadequate lubrication’ although oddly it can also happen during water skiing. I think mine was down to a failure to understand basic maths - I’d got the angle wrong. All I needed to do was avoid sex for a week, wash everything with clean water and keep it ventilated. It healed. I lived. I had sex again. I haven’t been waterskiing since, mind.

But it made me think about all the fairly common sex disasters that you don’t even know about until you’re sat at the end of the bed, crying and trying to fix by uselessly flicking through the Yellow Pages. (Because when you’re in the middle of a massive sex disaster, you totally forget that you have Broadband.) These are all fairly common, but if and when they ever happen to you, you might feel like the world is ending. There’s no way to prevent the sex disasters, but none as are as disastrous as they initially feel - and crisis management is a top erotic skill. 

The condom has broken!

My friend Maria is familiar with this one. ‘I’m a condom girl, and I pride myself on being safe and sensible - I’m a real poindexter about it. I’m not on the Pill or anything, and I’m always lecturing my mates about how great condoms are, why they must remember to use them, yadda yadda yadda. Until I was hooking up with a new guy for the first time, and the condom somehow wiggled free, and burst. It looked like a little plastic nun’s habit. Obviously my first reaction was to think “I AM NOW PREGNANT WITH AN AIDS BABY!” and burst into tears. Being a bit pissed doesn’t help.

‘The guy was really nice about going with me to get the morning after Pill - I assumed the woman in Boots would be really judgy, and I was about to blurt out “We DID use a condom!” but she just looked a bit bored. We both got tested, and that was fine - and the nurse even said “Everyone comes in here convinced they’ve got chlamydia - it’s really important that you keep getting checked out, but it’s rare that there’s anything to worry about.” I didn’t hook up with the guy again, but we go for beers sometimes - we bonded over the trauma! And he said that he’d been nervous about getting tested for ages, so he’s glad he had to go and found out it wasn’t scary!” A broken condom is a totally fixable disaster. Superdrug will even send you the morning after Pill by courier - or you can buy it in advance for peace of mind. 

'Hi Mum!'

Unless you’re from the nineties and used to have a regular gig working at Manumission, this one will probably fill you with horror. Our generation does not have the space it needs to lead a full and happy sex life, so the best worst case scenario is that your housemate walks in on you doing the do. But if you live with your parents…that can be harder to recover from.

Suze, 27 reports ‘My girlfriend had been away for work and I hadn’t seen her in three weeks. She came over, Mum was out - she was having lunch with friends and I thought she’d be gone for ages. But no. She came back early, because she’d forgotten the jumper she wanted to return to Zara - only to find me stark bollock naked in the front room as my girlfriend was going down on me. It was like a film. We all just screamed at each other. Not angry shouting, just going “Aaaaaaaargh! AAAAAAAARGH!” If we’d been in the bedroom we would have heard and we could have hidden under a duvet. 

‘But in time, it was fine. Mum went back out, and we spent the rest of the afternoon laughing and crying and wondering what would happen. My girlfriend diplomatically went out to do some errands, and I apologised profusely when Mum came home, sort of bracing myself to hear her say “You’re not to use my house as a knocking shop” or some Catherine Cookson style line. But she just said it was a bit of a shock, and that she and my Dad used to play a Pat Benatar tape in the bedroom when I was little, to “drown the sound out”. I shrieked and said that was too much information, and she said “Yeah, well I saw your minge this afternoon.” Then I knew it was safe for my girlfriend to come back.’

So remember, almost everyone has sex, and when you’re an adult, fewer people will get mad at you for doing a normal, human thing. You can laugh this one off. However, it’s good to have sex in the bedroom. People don’t usually just walk into those, and they’re often far away enough from the front door to buy you some recovery time. 

You think you have broken his penis

Weirdly, whenever I’ve read 'blowjob ideas to drive him wild,' the, erm, tip that never appears is ‘make sure the penis remains in tact’. But penises can break during sex - especially if they slip out when you’re on top. 

Because a penis is made up of tissue, it will, sometimes curve slightly - and the shape does change a little over time - according to the NHS, it’s only a problem if it’s causing pain, or if it makes it difficult to have sex. Vicki, 24 admits ‘I really thought I’d broken my boyfriend’s once - it was fine during, but after we finished it looked a bit weird and my boyfriend said it was a bit sore. I thought I might die of guilt - but we went to an NHS walk in the next day, and they told us that a little tissue swelling was normal. Basically, we had to keep an eye of it, and go easy for a week - but the advice we got was that if it was broken, we’d definitely know. Well, he would.’ Reported cases of penile fracture are very rare - but if you’re in any sort of pain, get to A&E as fast as you can. The sooner you get it looked at, the quicker it can be fixed.  

You say the wrong name

What’s worse than calling your line manager ‘Mum’? Well, passionately yelling ‘DON’T STOP, RODERICK!’ when you’re getting hot and heavy with a Horace. Personally, I know I’m quite chatty during sex, but I’m in the sort of state where I’m not fully conscious of what I’m saying. It’s usually along the lines of ‘that’s so good, don’t stop’, but I do worry that one day I’ll start yelling for Archibald, which is not my boyfriend’s name, Dr Debby Herenick, a sex and relationships expert explains ‘I have heard from thousands of people who accidentally said the wrong name during sex. Most of the time it is a total accident. You can tell your partner that science doesn’t have any answers, but it’s thought that when you’re really in the moment the brain just disassociates.’ After reading something in the news about pet pigs, and worrying about booking someone a taxi, I once had a long and boring dream about taking a pig around London and worrying when it shat the Uber. So using the same logic, it’s totally normal to have sex and instead of saying your partner’s name, shout the name of the last person you emailed at work. Basically if you can’t laugh it off, put your boyfriend or girlfriend in touch with me and I’ll sort it for you.

There’s a bodily fluid bonus

I once farted on my boyfriend when he was going down on me - BY ACCIDENT, I assure you - and reader, I ended up dumping him. 18 months later. My friend ran into an old uni crush in a bar, ended up giving him a handjob. After three pumps, he came in her right eye. Another friend (who would prefer not to be named) thought she’d die of embarrassment when - how do I put this - her boyfriend got poo on his penis. He was incredibly cool about it, though. ‘I do know you’re not Tinkerbell, mate. You don’t lay a scented glitter egg every month. If we’re going to have bum sex, we can’t be scared of a little shit.’ And I don’t know if I have some weird, wobbly pelvic alignment, but I am the queef queen. 

Sex is wonderful, awkward, naked and hilarious. If you’re having it with the right sort of people, they’ll know that bodies are multifunctional, and there’s nothing that can go wrong that can’t be laughed off. Do not try to conceal a fanny fart by bursting into song. (And don’t ask me how I know this.) Don’t feel that you have to announce that you’re on your period by dramatically laying down a red towel, as if you’re about to get busy with a bull. Just remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you funnier, and the weirder the disaster is, the easier it will be to deal with next time. Shit happens. 

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

What Really Happens When You Lose Your Virginity?

Five Of The Best Sites To Meet Older Guys On

In Which We Unpick The Female Orgasm 

Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl

Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski 

Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock