Beauty Hacks Using All The Stuff In Your Sex Drawer
The Debrief: Basically stock up on a lot of silicone lube, because it's going to see you through most of your 2016 beauty woes...
Health & beauty hacks using erotic products. None of which involve a dude jizzing on your face 'because it’s good for your skin.'
The lube-as-anti-chafing-cream hack
Silicone-based lubricants are brilliant at preventing chafing during sports, and stopping ‘chub rub’ – the irritation caused when inner thighs grate against one another, particularly during hot weather, which despite its nickname afflicts lads and lasses of all shapes and sizes and makes you feel like you’ve been aping Lady Godiva on a saddle made from Brillo pads. Smooth a little lube onto affected areas of skin and say bye bye to frustrating friction, hello to limbs that glide like pucks on an air hockey table.
Give Uberlube a whirl – it’s also great at stopping your nipples from bleeding if you’re a long-distance jogger whose raspberries get sore when they rub against the material of their running top.
TMI moment: I once made the outside of my bits bleed ever so slightly by getting a bit carried away with a new, ultra-powerful ‘magic wand’ vibrator and basically abrading away a thin layer of foof. I christened my injury ‘frigmata’: stigmata caused by frigging myself off too heartily with a piece of equipment that frequently made me cry out to the heavens and exclaim to God almighty.
The silicone-lube-as-primer hack
What’s good for getting laid is also good for laying good foundations. A very thin layer of silicone lube applied to the face before your base can help your make-up smooth on evenly, reduce the appearance of pores and give a glowy, silky finish. I’ve also heard of people getting tip top results with good ol’ water-based K-Y Jelly.
Want to create a look using loose glitter without it going absolutely everywhere and making you look like you’ve been liberally licked by Liberace (he had twinkling silver saliva, I’m sure)? Award-winning pro face-painter Kat Sinclair recommends painting a little lube wherever you want the glitz to stick.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe it’s rutting butter.
His vibrator-to-fix-blocked-sinuses hack
Blocked sinuses giving you a royally hard time? Crista Anne recommends using a vibrator to sort ‘em out – and as someone who spent many months on an #OrgasmQuest trying to regain her sexual pleasure after depression and illness affected her ability to climax, this lass has badass knowledge about sex toys and their myriad uses.
'I use a basic bullet vibe, but anything that has strong vibration at the tip works,' she advises. 'Move the toy gently across your nose, cheeks, around your eyes, then back over your nose again – however ridiculous you may feel, you won’t care once the relief hits.'
'Have a hanky within reach before you begin because this life hack works almost instantly and a torrent of goo may fall out of your nostrils, but you’ll feel so much better once the congestion is gone,' Crista counsels. 'Repeat every time you need to feel the sweet glory of being able to breathe freely.'
The Delay-creams-as-an-anaesthetic-cream hack
Delay creams are lotions containing a mild anaesthetic – usually Benzocaine – which are applied to the penis to reduce sensation, with the aim of preventing a guy from becoming so overwhelmed so quickly by the glorious feeling of thrusting his eggplant emoji into your honey cave that he ejaculates in less time than it takes to make a Pot Noodle.
They’re also useful for a different type of prick: tattooing. Apply them a few minutes before going under the needle and getting ink won’t sting so much.
New shoes making your feet feel like they’re being crushed in the Death Star garbage compacter? Delay cream will do the job, and a little silicone lube will prevent blisters to boot.
The old vibrators-anti-fatigue-gel hack
Vibrators can enhance the effects of refreshing anti-fatigue leg gels and lifting, tightening anti-cellulite treatments if you use them to massage products into the flesh of the thighs and buttocks; the buzzing helps stimulate blood flow to the area and plump up skin, plus it allegedly assists in flushing away toxins. Remember that creams and oils aren’t always compatible with silicone or jelly-finish sex toys, though; use a hard plastic vibe or encase your vibrator in a condom to shield it.
The warming-lube-period-cramps trick
Ease menstrual cramps by applying warming lube like this Durex Play variety to your lower tummy, like a liquid hot water bottle. In addition, it works well as a relaxing massage gel to ease tight muscles, like a gentler, sexier, less stinky type of Deep Heat.
The lube-as-hair-product hack
[In the style of Dolly Parton] 'Chlorine, chlorine, chlorine, chloriiiiiineeee, don’t fuck my hair up just because you can…'
'…except you can’t now, because I coated my locks with silicone lube before I got in the swimming pool, in order to protect my ‘do from chemical damage and prevent my bleached barnet from going green. In your face, chlorine.'
You can use a dab of silicone slidey stuff as a serum on dry hair as well, to tame flayaways and give it shine.
If you’ve noticed that a metric fucktonne of these tips mention silicone lube, that’s because it’s like erotic WD40 – multi-purpose, multi-talented and indispensable. It soothes chapped noses and prevents repeated blowing with tissues from making your schnozz tender when you’ve got a cold; it helps to ease too-tight rings off swollen fingers; and it makes an ace shaving gel. Pack a teeny tiny bottle of it if you’re jetting off on your hols and want to keep your legs fuzz-free and your bonking nice and squelchy. Sorted.
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