What It's Actually Like To Become An Urban Sex Legend
The Debrief: Hearing about someone's embarrassing/terrifying/hilarious sex stories is one of life's purest pleasures, but what's it like if the 'story' actually happened to you?
The unadulterated, limitless rapture we all feel when we hear a truly juicy piece of sex gossip unparalleled - mix it with a bottle of wine and its capacity for inducing joy is hard to beat. But this joy is directly proportional to the abject horror of being the person that sex story is about. I became an urban sex myth (of sorts) whilst I was at university and my ex's banjo string broke whilst we were having sex. It was pretty brutal (mainly for him to be fair) and resulted in us both looking like something from a slaher movie when several pints of blood erupted from my ex's penis. Somewhat naively I thought that a trauma shared was a trauma halved and told my utterly indiscreet flatmate what happened. Fast forward to three months later when I had developed the charming new nickname of 'razor clunge' (from people I'd never even met) and you can see why I'm nowa bit more reticent to discuss my sex nightmares. The whole experience might have been hilarious for all those people enthralled with all the gory weirdness of the incident, but it was utterly humiliating for me and hurtful for my ex, who wasn't at all happy that his painful accident had become tabloid-level amusement for everyone we (half) knew.
So it's with the knowing heart of someone who has been there herself that I reached out to hear the stories of other urban sex legends to find out what happened to them and how they coped with people's interest in the intimate details of their sex lives. I send love out to my notorious sex story sisters and remind them that, like HPV, 'all adventurous women do' have one in their back catalogue.
Emma, 26 year old hair stylist from South London
'My "incident" happened when I was really young (18). I was at my boyfriend's house whilst he baby sat for his little sister, who was asleep upstairs. We both started getting a bit carried away and, not wanting to wake her, we started having sex on his parent's cream sofa. We'd been talking a lot about trying anal sex for the first time and the sex we were having was amazing, so that seemed like as good a time as any! It was painful, but I was really into it and before long we were really really going at it hard. The only problem was, with all the excitement, we didn't hear his parents coming back into the room and it was only when his mum started screaming that we realised what was going on. He pulled out really quickly and, as he did, I felt my bowels evacuate all over him, me and my mum's cream sofa. It, still, is the worst moment of my life to date. I will never forget the look on his parents face, or my boyfriend's voice talking about how his parents made him tidy it up when I left.
'I never told a soul and I don't know how it got out, but it did. Worse than any teasing I got, which was minimal, was when people whispered about it within earshot of me at college and I know there was an email about it doing the rounds because a friend of mine told me. I was heartbroken, humiliated and I still find it quite difficult to talk about. Someone even told me about "a person they heard" it had happened to at a house part once. I just laughed along and pretended it wasn't me.'
Sarah, 27 year old doctor from Hampshire
'I once farted on someone's face whilst he was going down on me. Well, more accurately, into his mouth. A full on, loud and smelly fart. There's no hiding from that, although I'm sure he probably wanted to and I can't blame him for immediately stopping what he was doing to ask, in horror, to confirm what had just happened. Maybe it would have been fine if the guy was my boyfriend (probably not) but it was a one night stand with a friend of my mate. Of course, the first thing that happened the next day when I woke up (he didn't stay) was I received a barrage of messages from about 20 friends who had heard what happened. I know I shouldn't have cared - I mean, everyone farts, it was just bad timing - but it was humiliating and I've never slept with a friend of a friend since. It's just too easy for news to spread. It still comes up from time to time, which is less than ideal, and people think it's hilarious to jibe me about it when they're drunk. It was three years ago!'
Grace, 26 year old from North London
'I have become an urban sex myth twice in my life, which I'm hoping makes me exempt from now on! The first is relatively tame compared to the second, but they both involve unwanted bodily functions unfortunately. The first was when I was giving a guy I was seeing head and I thought he had come because I felt warm, dripping liquid on my t shirt. When he asked me why I'd stopped and turned on his bedside light, I suddenly realised I wasn't covered in come, I was actually covered in blood! I had had a mega nosebleed, which had gotten everywhere. Luckil, he was really cool about it (despite the fact blood was everywhere), so I'm lucky, but my mates still take the piss and I dine out on the story a lot.
I'm less quick to share the second story. Me and my ex were using anal beads for the first time ansd, to cut a long story short, he pulled (ripped, really) them out of me way too fast and it made a stream of liquid poo stream out of me and all over his bed. Again, he was ok about it after he got over the initial shock and I'd cleaned up his bedroom , but it's the kind of thing nightmares are made of! The positive I can take out of it, though, is that I no longer sweat the small stuff. When you've gotten over explosive body function, the "normal" sex hangups don't seem like that big of a deal.'
Puts your fanny fart into perspective, doesn't it?
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