Gareth May | Contributing Writer | Tuesday, 28 April 2015

What Does Your Boyfriend Really Think When You Queef?

What Does Your Boyfriend Really Think Of Your Fanny Farts?

The Debrief: And what do you do when it happens? Ignore it? Laugh? Point and laugh?

I was 17 when I experienced my first fanny fart. 

My girlfriend and I had never tried doggy before and as much as it felt really – like, really – good I was desperately concentrating on keeping my balance (I was yet to master the one-foot-flat-on-the-bed technique you learn from porn and was instead placing all my weight on my rather wispy adolescent knees). 

Eager to get back to missionary – both satisfied with our brief excursion beyond page one of the Kama Sutra and mildly smug that I hadn’t fallen on top of my girlfriend and crushed her pelvis – I pulled out and did that gentle tapping on the hip thing you do when you’re inexperienced and not confident enough to grab the missus by the waist and throw her down on the bed like Hulk Hogan. 

Taking the hint, she lolloped on to her back, all limbs and blushes and post-sex hair and then…

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft…

What the…?

Pfffffft…

Pfttt…

Pft…

That didn’t come from her arse, did it? Did it come from her…? Hang on? What? 

And then we both burst out laughing. Half out of shyness and half because, well, fanny farts are funny. It’s the model I’ve followed ever since. A model with a clear set of rules: 

1. Only laugh is she laughs too, don’t draw attention to it if she doesn’t (‘Erm, was that you or the cat?”). 

2. Laughing, giggling, even guffawing is fine. Pointing and laughing simultaneously is not.

3. If the farts show no sign of letting up resist the temptation to lay some vocals down over ‘the beat’.

Whether it’s ass gas or a pussy toot, farts are intrinsically funny. Who can forget the SMTV Live eggy pumps episode? As with rule two though, there’s a fine line between laughing with someone and laughing at them. Never is this line more treacherously walked than with the case of the queef.

Sophomoric humor is all too often the refuge of the embarrassed. One look at the Urban Dictionary’s queef page and you’re besieged with terms such ‘queefatron’ ('a musical instrument comprising of … dildos of varying sizes which … produces a different tonal queef note') and ‘queefasaurous’ ('when a chik queefs so loud and so volumeous that is becomes living and usually reaks havic on neighboring cities… [sic]').

Some are funny, some are weird, all are written by men. In fact, it seems queef humour knows no bounds. The Facebook page ‘Inserting the word queef into movie titles’ throws up the fascinatingly fictitious ‘James & The Giant Queef’. If Dahl did erotica, eh.

All of the above are (reasonably) funny in the office at break time. They’re not so funny in the bedroom at bone time. 

As a bloke, without vagina – who has never queefed – I’m hardly qualified to extol the virtues of the fanny fart. I might enjoy the comic interlude but it’s a joke I’ve heard only a handful of times, I can imagine, after a while, the punchline might wear off.

The women I’ve slept with who have ‘varted’ in front of me haven’t seemed that bothered at all. It’s to be expected, right? The vagina expands during sex. Air is forced inside the vagina by the man’s penis/sex toy/large sausage-shaped fingers. Climax is achieved (hopefully). Penis/sex toy/large sausage-shaped fingers is/are extracted. Vagina contracts. Air is expelled from vagina with a humorous sound.

That’s not to say, however, that every woman feels that way. For some it is clearly an issue. Others, certainly no laughing matter. And for young women in particular I can imagine it can be a pretty embarrassing thing to deal with if it keeps occurring and you don’t get any support from your sexual partner (if indeed you have one).

At the end of the day, it’s fine for women to be embarrassed by fanny farts (it’s their body) it’s not totally cool for men to be. Well, actually, that’s not entirely fair. It’s all right for men to be embarrassed – we hardly choose to be embarrassed do we? – but that doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.

Chaps that think fanny farts are gross really need to get their heads out of their arse. I imagine they’re the same sort of men who’d rather pay to have a virtual girlfriend – with a perfect and imagined mind and, moreover, measurements – than they would a real one, in all her fanny trumpeting glory.

Don’t ignore vaginal flatulence. Embrace it. Laughter is a great way to bond in the bedroom. I once kicked a girlfriend off the bed (accidentally); and later on in the same daylong session, she would choke on a sprig of anal beard (too much?). Oh, how we laughed (and then realized death by anal beard would’ve been a pretty bad way to go and that I should invest in a better trimmer). 

Cindy Gallop of Make Love Not Porn has been a massive advocate of celebrating the awkwardness of ‘real-world’ sex. The erotic content-sharing platform’s mantra is pretty simple: ‘Let’s take the shame and embarrassment out of sex.’ And they’re doing a pretty good job of doing exactly that with their user-generated videos of period sex and other off-the-cuff real-world sex.

I doubt we’ll ever entirely remove the embarrassment of fanny farts. The shame, that’s another matter. I would hope we could dispel that eventually. Some, it seems, have already done exactly that. This husband filming his wife fanny farting post-pregnancy is perhaps the coolest video I’ve ever seen. 

Queefs shouldn’t be seen as an inconvenience. They should be treated as an opportunity. Sometimes an unsexy intimate act in the bedroom can lead to a greater bond than overly sexual attitudes. Fanny farts shouldn’t be the thing to drive us apart, they should only serve to bring us closer together.

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

Male Ego Vs Female Orgasm: What Men Are Really Thinking When You Come 

Six Years After Losing My Virginity, I've Just Had My First Orgasm 

Female Ejaculation Can Be Fun Until It Starts Happening All The Time 

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Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock