Madison Knightley | Contributing Writer | Monday, 23 November 2015

First Time Masturbating

We Got A Bunch Of Women To Tell Us Their First Masturbation Stories

The Debrief: Strumming the harp, flicking the bean call it what you like... Remember your first time?

An old woman of 92, who may or may not have been my grandmother, once said to me: 'There are a few moments in life that every woman will take to her grave, however senile she gets before popping her clogs: first day at school, first visit from Auntie Flow, where she was when JFK died, wedding, childbirth - oh and you know.. when you first saw the light.'

Of course I immediately assumed she was talking about realising the intensity of her religious faith. Nope.... she wasn't. She was talking about masturbation. The reason I know this is she then burst into uncontrollable fits of giggles and gave me a wink. Just like the time she told me about her 'fancy men' during the war when her husband was serving.

I didn't know what to say or where to look. I knew, however, I had only walked the earth for a third of the time that she had and already I knew that three things on her list I would never forget... especially the cheeky finale.

That moment, where you look for camera 5 to say right down the lens 'HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! I AM SOME SORT OF WEIRD MAGICIAN OF JOY!' is certainly a memorable one.

Here, five lovely ladies have been kind enough to share their stories. I hope it makes you smile and fondly remember your own, back in the day where we could flick the bean til our fingers pruned. Bliss.

Clara

'I remember the book I was reading. I won't tell you the name of the book as it will definitely make me sound like a creepy weirdo - but the front cover was a suggestive eye rising from behind a cloud. I found it in a grimy book shop swap. It was one of the five books I had decided to taking on family holiday, aged 13. Needless to say, the other four were never touched.

My loo trips whilst reading this became more frequent as I became more and more excited every time I wiped. I hadn't a clue what was happening but it didn't take me long to make the connection between the saucy book content and the way my ladybits felt like a disco-floor. I remember looking around the room in shock once I had finally "got there" and thinking "I have just discovered a miracle!" There wasn't an inkling of my that thought it was wrong - because nothing that good could be wrong - but I knew it needed to be secret. I pretended I was sick for the rest of the holiday and lay in the bath all day re-reading the same few pages."

Natasha

'I was really late to the game. I had never really thought about it but when I lived in a house with 5 girls at university and they all disappeared into their bedrooms to "fluff" as they called it, I started to wonder what I was missing out on. When I admitted I'd never really managed to get myself off properly, they all clubbed together to buy me this really shit porn multipack DVD thing from a seedy shop in town. I went to watch it, got bored, and watched the documentary at the end about Anne Nicole Smith for an hour. When I emerged from my bedroom, they were all waiting expectantly outside and all I had to show for myself was in depth knowledge about Anne Nicole. Years later I finally managed it using the shower head and I bloody deserved it. I had been practicing for years, after all.'

Lily

'I was mucking about in my bedroom with my best friend, pretending to ride my pillow like a pony. I told my best friend how it felt really good and we both started doing it together (on separate pillows) Neither one of us had any clue it was naughty. As we got older we cringed at the memory. Now we NEVER mention it.'

Jessica

'I had a very sexually experienced friend at boarding school. Thinking back, I think she was lying about most of her sexual experiences. She definitely didn't have anal sex with my English teacher, though obviously I believed it at the time. Anyway, she told me how to do it and then used to say sexy things to me like 'Imagine Paul (in our year) coming up to you after assembly and pushing you behind the wall of the assembly room and telling you he wants to take off your knickers.' I would lie underneath the duvet, with a pillow over my head doing it until I managed. When I did I remember sitting bolt upright, looking her dead in the eye and just saying THANK YOU. Really emphatically. We don't keep in touch'

Yolanda

'Mine was pretty boring. I was washing myself with a normal old sponge and then harder and harder and BOOM - went to town. I started taking a ridiculous number of showers a day and made up this big story to my mother about being worried about the dirt particles in the air. She thought I was turning OCD at the time but now she laughs and awkwardly tells the story at dinner parties with her friends, "Oh remember when you were fourteen and took eight showers a day because you thought you were going to die from air dirt and used up all of our hot water!" EVERYONE who hears this story knows what was going on and I just have to sit through it. It's excruciating.'

Finally, FYE(ntertainment)

Christian Mothers on Instagram do a fantastic line in anti-masturbation campaign posters. Hilarious taglines, aimed at both men and women, include the following:

'The clitoris is the devils doorbell: if you ring it - he will answer'

'Her fingers are for diamonds. Not for ringing the devils doorbell'

'It's never okay to marry a masturbator'

'Before you spend money of diamond, make sure she has never self raped her sin cave' 

'Women! Save your soul! Don't touch your hole'

'Is a moment of pleasure worth an eternity of hell?' 

WHAT a bunch of total knobs. They blatantly all duck wiggle like maniacs on the exercise bikes at the gym and then guilt bake a thousand fairy cakes.

Over and out.

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

How To Masturbate 

How To Wank In Front Of Someone Without Feeling Like A Tit 

Female Masturbation Myths Men Have Unfortunately Picked Up From Porn 

Follow Madeleine on Twitter @MissmadeleineK

Tags: Sex Ed