To The Friends Whose Houses I Have Sexed In - I’m Sorry
The Debrief: I've had inappropriate sex in a large number of different places, and for that I'm sorry
Dear Emily, Leni, Sarah, Mae, Chris, Josef, Rick and Mr and Mrs Wills,
There is something I need to get off my chest. I have had massively inappropriate sex in your houses, and I am deeply sorry.
Whether it was your guest bedroom, master bedroom, bathroom, sofa or utility room that I befouled, I can assure you that I am ashamed for my massive error of judgement, and put my hand on my heart and promise that I did not enjoy myself.
Rick - owing to collapsed section in the centre of your mattress, it’s impossible to sleep in your bed and not have sex really, isn’t it? Had I been alone, I would have been forced to make love to myself. But I wasn’t alone, and got to enjoy a solid three minutes of penetrative sex with your chum and my boyfriend at the time, Alfonse. Although I don’t think you guys can be that close - he swore you wouldn’t mind, so he can’t know you that well at all. Anyway, it was a bad thing to do but we couldn’t help ourselves because we loved each other very much, we’d been drinking Skittles vodka since 4PM and it was Halloween. And I’m so, so sorry about the fake vampire blood. The bottle did say it was washable - if you want to sue the manufacturers you have my full support.
Emily, what can I say? It was A level results day and I was so happy to get into York that I thought Sam might like to get into me. We were thinking of you and your parents during the ‘various sex acts’ we ‘performed’, which is why we stood in the bath to do it, so that it was easy to wipe up after ourselves. As far as I can remember, while this was going on Beth was downstairs regurgitating blue WKD over the beige hall carpet, and I think that is a much more offensive gesture.
Leni, we can all agree that having sex with my ex on your sofa was a bad idea, but in fairness, it does technically turn into a bed, we just hadn’t got to that bit. And the London riots were on, and we were scared and horny and really, really pissed. We were full of Blitz spirit, and if you don’t want people to get it on in your front room when troubling events are taking place in the local area, you really ought to build an Anderson shelter in the car park of your flat.
Sarah - if you leave your bedroom door unlocked at a house party, what goes down is pretty much inevitable. Me. At least we put a towel down and only some of it went on your dry cleaning. Also, you outdid yourself with the catering, and that was the problem. We could have gone back to his, only I really didn’t want to leave your cheeseboard.
Josef, I kept telling you that I had seen The Usual Suspects FOUR TIMES and I was REALLY BORED. We would not have had to sneak off into your bedroom to have sex if you had put a different film on. Chris, I don’t think you’ll ever forgive me, and I shouldn’t have done it but I’d just found out that I’d got a 2.2 on an essay because I didn’t know what a Lollard was. I was in a bad place. But you didn’t even know you had a shed and I had no idea that light was going to come on automatically.
Mae, I had no idea that was your little sister’s room, I assumed it was a very large storage cupboard for your old Beanie Babies, which, now I think of it, was silly of me. Chris, now I think about it, that cupboard was for food, not love, and I didn’t knock over that tall glass spaghetti jar because I was in the throes of a monster orgasm - it happened as I was bitten unexpectedly hard on the ear.
Mr and Mrs Wills - your son told me you were on holiday, not at your neighbour's firework party. But that can’t have been a nice thing to have seen over the fence, and waxing it that way probably does make it a bit more visible in the moonlight.
Anyway, apologise to you all deeply and unreservedly. I hope I have now matured and learned my lesson, and that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. If you still wish to exact vengeance upon me, I cordially invite you all to have sex in the stairwell of my flat. Thursday afternoons are best for me.
Lots of love,
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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
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