Daisy Buchanan | Contributing Writer | Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Orgasm how to about

The Politics Of The Orgasm

The Debrief: Does anyone else worry that their orgasms are a bit... off brand?

I’ve seen the movies. I know the sort of orgasms I should be having, or rather, how they should look. They ought to take place in my bedroom, with lighting designed by the person who invented Amaro. My curtains need to be a light coloured muslin, ‘soft lifted by the winnowing wind’ as Keats would say (Keats had a lot of sex). I’m with my boyfriend, who is naked, possibly lightly oiled. He murmurs a sonnet about knights that includes the line ‘Hey nonny’ and then I shut my eyes and moan melodically, as a train pulls into a tunnel somewhere and my foof goes Fully Attenborough, all unfurling petals and waving stamen. The air smells of Duty Free.

My orgasms are not like that. Have you ever been on a cheapo Bulgarian all-inclusive, and drained the bar of Smirn-On vodka and Bombay Emerald gin? Well, that’s how I feel when I come. A bit off-brand. The Hollywood climax is the picture on Homer Simpson’s barbecue kit, and mine is the actual barbecue he builds.

In deeply unsexy sex news, I had one on the adducator at the gym the other day. I’d been in there for an hour, I smelled disgusting, and I was being gazed at by a confused elderly man. To be fair, I think he was just trying to work out the mechanics of the machine as I’d seen him make a failed attempt at it earlier – he thought you had to work it like that dance move from the 20s where you repeatedly cross your hands and pat your knees. But something about the action of bringing my legs together brought on an orgasm – and I was part delighted, part confused and part ashamed, as if I’d sneezed all over a stranger and didn’t have a hanky.

In deeply unsexy sex news, I had an orgasm on the adducator at the gym the other day

I’ve made my peace with awkward orgasms. I truly believe every climax is as beautiful, unique and special as a snowflake and I could no more advise people on how to make sure they have perfect, cinematic orgasms than I could suggest that they threw away home-cooked meals because they weren’t sufficiently Instagrammable.

But as women, we’re under pressure from all sides – we must work 14-hour days without laddering our tights and get full marks and promotions and have great bodies and go to museums and work up strong opinions about the return of the bootleg jean. Society knows how to run and ruin our lives – why shouldn’t it make us feel that our orgasms aren’t good enough, too!?

Fuck that. Fuck everything. If something feels good, let it in and allow it to make you happy. It doesn’t matter whether it results in a climax, or just feels nice. It doesn’t have to be sexual – if you get more joy out of a good book than a grope, stay with the former and stop worrying about whether you’re missing out on anything because we’re all different.

Admittedly this is easy to say and hard to do, so here are some ‘problem’ orgasms. I offer no solutions; I just want to stress that they’re really not problems. 

 The Alik Alfus

Made In Chelsea fans will be familiar with Louise Thompson’s boyfriend, a loud and enthusiastic gentleman who MIGHT BE PARTIALLY DEAF! My orgasms are usually as loud and enthusiastic as Alik himself. If I have company, I like to give a bit of notice about how it’s going, and yell ‘I’M COMING! I’M COMING!’ as if I’m making sweet love to a DPS driver who has just buzzed the intercom and announced they have a package from ASOS.

An ex once told me, ‘You don’t have to be loud on my account,’ and then, later ‘You’re really putting me off’ and subsequently, ‘You’re not some kind of porn star.’ Eventually sex stopped being sexy and felt like a really miserable game of naked hide and seek.

If I could tell my 22-year-old self it will be anything, it would be ‘Don’t bother, you’re going to eventually break up with this man after a weird argument in which you refer to James Joyce and he thinks that’s someone you’ve slept with.’ And more importantly, ‘Nothing good has ever come from telling someone to shut up.’

If you love to be loud, the person you love will like it too. Just stick Spotify on first if your housemates are in.

The Will.I.Ever?

Harumph! It’s all well and good complaining about the ‘wrong’ sort of orgasm, but what if you have no orgasms at all? One move, one time, might be, as my friend Amy puts it ‘peel-me-off-the-ceiling-tastic’ and then the same move the next time might have you staring at the ceiling thinking, ‘Is that a cobweb or is the roof falling in?’ 

A little while ago I interviewed an amazing lady called Jane who, at 36, had never had an orgasm in her life. She spent her twenties wondering what was wrong with her and worrying about her body – but eventually made peace with the fact that she could love the way sex felt even if she didn’t climax.

Jane told me, ‘I worried that not being orgasmic was a shameful secret, but I blogged about my experiences, and I was overwhelmed by the number of women who got in touch to tell me they’d had similar struggles.’

If it’s not happening as frequently as you’d like, or at all, try to focus on what you love rather than what’s missing. If you still love sex, there’s no reason to stop having it, and if you’re not that bothered then you have just unlocked an amazing life hack which is going to free up a lot of your time. I have written about my love of wanking many times,  but I was surprised and intrigued to read that the amazing Viv Albertine ‘doesn’t see the point’. We all get off in different ways. 

 The council tax boner killer

‘Think about sex! The sexy sex you’re having right now! Penetration, woo! On NO ACCOUNT, remember the red bill. Shhhhh! No brain, no! You are having a nice time! Do NOT REMEMBER that you owe the council eight hundred quid and you’re four pounds seventy eight pence away from your overdraft limit!’ 

I promise that even Megan Fox has possibly drifted away during sex and turned herself off by thinking about what she was going to have for tea later. I suspect the thing that separates us from the animals is not reason and free will, but the fact that our brains are like computers – kinds that use four different internet browsers, each with 30 tabs open at any one time.

Mindfulness helps me concentrate on one thing at a time. Sex has felt much more intense, and I’ve only just put my finger on why – it’s because my brain is less busy

We all know that the quickest way to think of the thing is to try and not think about the thing. My friend Emma says her life is much more orgasmic since she started using meditation apps.

‘Mindfulness helps me concentrate on one thing at a time. Sex has felt much more intense, and I’ve only just put my finger on why – it’s because my brain is less busy, and better at thinking, ‘Shhh! We’re doing this now! We can think about that deadline later!’

Emma also reports that this has resulted in fewer orgasm hang ups. ‘When you let yourself focus on how good it feels, you learn to stop worrying about what might go wrong.’

The ‘Help, a wasp! A WASP!’

I’m all for the new vibrators that take a picture of your Benjamin Button as you climax – it’s the idea of a straight come face selfie that frightens me. Without knowing for sure, I’m pretty certain that when I orgasm I look like Tony Benn hearing about a plan to aggressively tax people below the poverty line and use the money to fund a caviar party in Baden Baden.

If you know your orgasm expression is less sexy, and more ‘scrunch all your facial features together for THE WASPS ARE COMING!’, and this bothers you, you’re going to kill your boner before it’s even born. Sex and relationships expert Petra Hill explains, ‘You’re going from a state of extreme, heightened tension and anticipation to total relaxation, so you’re going to pull a ridiculous face. No-one looks like themselves post coitus. You let your guard down during sex, so you’re going to feel self conscious about this, but you’re absolutely not alone, and I promise you that your sex face is no weirder or funnier than anyone else’s.’

Porn orgasms can be offputtingly photogenic, so if you want to feel more confident about your come face, check out this project, where women are putting real come faces online. 

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

Male Ego Vs Female Orgasms: What Men Are Really Thinking About When You Come 

In Which We Unpick The Female Orgasm 

What Does Your Orgasm Face Say About You? 

Follow Daisy on Twitter @Notrollergirl

Picture: Eylul Aslan

Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock