Madeleine Knight | Contributing Writer | Monday, 26 January 2015

The Most Inexplicable Sex Scenes In Films

The Debrief: WTF was going on with that sex in an alleyway scene in 9 1/2 Weeks?

Growing up with porn that was far less readily available than today and painfully slow internet connections, it might tragically be that our generation is the last to remember how wonderful it was to find quality sex scenes in films. We could snap them up on VHS or DVD and replay them as much as we liked. 

But quality sex scenes are like gold dust to come by as rarely does a film manage to get all the components balanced to perfection. The main mistakes we find are glaringly gratuitous scenes to tick the 'sex' box, a total non-chemistry between the actors involved and of course the writer attempting to be raunchy and completely failing. 

If you spot any of these, the scene immediately becomes a)rubbish and b) hilarious... because if you drop your suspended belief you are left with two people bouncing on each other, simulating sex, in a room full of cameramen. 

Here are a few that nail one or all of these mistakes, making them totally unrealistic in context, but not bad out of context for a self-love sesh on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

1. Showgirls (one hour, 23 min in...)

With a 19 per cent rating on Rotten Tomatoes and reviews such as: 'A bad film, borderline inept, with an anti-erotic charge about it.' and 'even the grossest porn is more cheerfully sexual than this movie' you know you're in for a corker when you watch Showgirls. The pool scene is basically the weirdest sex scene ever made in which Elizabeth Berkley plays the role of the epileptic dolphin. Truly ridiculous. Plus the poor guy she's floundering about on is Trey MacDougal from Sex and the City and everyone knows he can't get it up. 

2. The Counselor

If this wasn't such a star-studded cast and crew (Ridley Scott directs) you would think you were watching a B Movie comedy. Cameron Diaz actually climbs on to a Ferrari, does the splits and has sex with the windscreen. It is certainly a novel idea, but I am not about to believe anyone would achieve an orgasm in that position unless they have hypersensitive clitorises. 

3. Pretty Woman

This is one of my fave sex scenes but altogether unrealistic. Mainly because the beady eyed hotel manager is on 24hr watch for prozzas in his hotel.'Will you have any other… uncles… staying with us?' He probably lives under that very piano. I'm constantly expecting him to pop out in his dressing gown and march Roberts straight out with the words 'We spoke about this, young lady.' The piano is also not helping their low profile, making distinct noises – like it's being shagged on. AND in real life… the cleaner guy he asks to leave would definitely be watching the show from under a nearby table. 

4. Hollow Man 

She's being raped by an INVISIBLE man. That's all I have to say on that. Oh. And Rhona Mitra has amazing baps. 

5. Risky Business: sex in subway car

'I thought you said nobody was going to be here!' 'No, Tom Cruise, no one except that bald creepy guy eating nuts, but he'll get off… OK maybe you should actually REMOVE him from the train instead. He won't put up any sort of fight at all!' 

Then when the drunk guy is off, the train turns into a magical train that never stops at any stations. AS IF. I'm not about to try on the Piccadilly, is all I'm saying.* 

6. Revenge

Sex in a moving vehicle… with no roof. Whenever I have travelled in cars like that I have been holding on for dear life not climbing on the friggin driver. Ok it's a big open road so not much to crash into but SERIOUSLY? He is juggling beer, driving and a girlfriend riding him. Very rock ’n’ roll but totally unbelievable. Watch for the moment she mounts and he's still trying to see the road. You sort of expect him to be like 'Yeah... OK darling, very sexy but I'm about to kill both of us, why don't you give me road head instead.'

7. 8 Mile 

'Hey Eminem, just popped over to your car factory to "look for my brother". No I don't want to go on a date but let's bang up against some uneven cold metal surface round the corner. It's going to be GREAT and no one will ever notice me, dressed like a hooker, running around the factory with you.' I can't really tell if she is supposed to have climaxed in the 30 second thrust-a-thon, but that position/place is definitely not as pleasurable as she makes it out. That being said, Brittany Murphy was probably high when she filmed that scene so the jagged bolts knocking into her back probably felt like a deluxe massage chair. Too soon? 

8. Shakespeare in Love

So they are reciting poetry to each other. Whilst shagging. Who DOES that? Can you imagine if that was your thing? Sorry honey, not tonight, I haven't learnt my lines.  

9. 9 1/2 Weeks

How many positions can they do in a dark dirty alleyway? Are her boots heavier than her entire body? Is that water coming from the sky or from that drainpipe? WHY is he crawling up the stairs with her attached to him? So many questions… Also, please find and watch the food scene where they are feeding each other cherries and she drinks a GALLON of milk… too much!

10. Flypaper

(link removed for adult content... bastards) 

Umm… this is the mega hot Lucy Liu. playing the role of meth lab drug chemist, shags Jerry, who is obsessed with snakes at the bottom of a swimming pool with poisonous rattle snakes crawling around… Riiiiiiiiggggggghhhhttt..... 

*I have tried this on the Piccadilly but I was very drunk.

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

Here's What Happened When We Recreated Classic Sex Scenes From Films 

10 Things Cameron Diaz Films Have Taught Us About Sex 

Stupid Things Hollywood Films Want You To Believe About Sex 

Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock