The Complications Of Having Sex When You've Got Crap Eyesight
The Debrief: For one thing, you're having sex with a skin-coloured blob. They could be anyone.
Being able to see is often necessary for daily activities. Catching the correct bus in the morning, recognising familiar faces so you can alter your resting bitch face, traversing the office without slamming your nether regions into every desk along the way. Having sex is also one of these times.
Being visually impaired means more for your vagina than simply needing to wear glasses to tell if you fancy someone. It can be both a weighty burden and a surprising facilitator of pleasure. Here’s some things you’ll only know if you’re -5.50 like me:
1. Contacts Mean Something
You don’t just wear contacts because you look prettier without face furniture. No. It’s because you think you’ll be sleeping with someone that night. Putting them in before a date or night out will give you a smug sense of satisfaction. If all goes to plan, you’ll be waking up in the morning with a dry mouth and even drier lenses.
2. Glasses Become An Accessory
You will have had a light-bulb moment when you stopped thinking of your glasses as unnecessary cargo and realised they are the sexiest prop you can’t buy on Lovehoney. Negative: the occasional steaming up when giving head makes it difficult to navigate. Pros: your deliberate up-gaze looks ten times as coy. At the very least, they act as an impenetrable shield for bodily fluids.
3. Men Also Treat Them As An Accessory
You have become so irresistible that men lose their minds. The ramification of this is that your glasses often fall off through vigorous jiggling or are flung off you in a gesture of passion. You’ve probably had at least one instance where a sensitive guy slowly takes them off your face pre-penetration, folding the arms up, thinking it’s very Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Sure, it’s cute and cinematic. Only now you can’t see. And have to awkwardly reach across to the bedside stand and put them back on.
4. Men You're Sleeping With Can Be Anyone You Want Them To Be
You are having sex with a skin coloured blob. This can be both strange and unpleasant. But remember: having sharp vision isn’t always a blessing. If it’s a one-night stand, maybe you don’t really want to see what’s on the other end of that penis? If you’re in a long-term relationship, it can only aid visualisation. Without the optical prompts, the only sexual limits are the parameters of your mind. You can sleep with whomever or whatever you want. Embrace it.
5. You Become A Stone-Cold Fox
Just as they are anyone you want, so are you. You have the taut quadriceps of Ellie Goulding and your gut has melted away quicker than you can shout power assisted lipoplasty. How can you feel bitter self-loathing when you can’t see yourself?
6. You Have Superpowers
Without sight, your other senses are heightened. People use blindfolds and gags for this kind of sensory deprivation but you get it for free. You’re a hypersensitive advanced mammal. Like a really sexy star-nosed mole.
7. Physical Injuries Are Always Around The Corner
From accidental dick slaps to falling off the bed, the minute those glasses come off, you're instantly more vulnerable than your physical superiors in the bedroom.
Liked this? You might also be interested in:
Follow Hannah on Twitter @hannahrosewens
Artwork: Eugenia Loli
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating