Stealth Sex Tips For When You're Trying To Shag At Your Boyfriend's Parent's House
The Debrief: Our guide to getting your rocks off without his parents ever knowing...
Christmas, as any child will tell you, is the most exciting time of the year. If you're young at heart like I am (read: incredibly childish and proud of it) by now you'll be at roughly 90% excitement, soon building to a fever-pitch on Christmas Eve as you giggle excitedly about what might be under the tree. Naturally this will be followed by a spectacular disappointment at about 5pm on Christmas Day, when you're stuck with a pile of bath products you'll never use, and it turns out that the most exciting gifts were actually for your five-year-old niece.
Still, it's nice being around loved-ones at Christmas. Unless, of course, those loved ones include your boyfriend's family, and that family is incredibly keen for you not to get laid.
If his family is of a certain religious or conservative leaning, then you may well be in for the worst case scenario: separate bedrooms. They accept that you might be living in sin when you're out of their earshot, but under their roof you'll play by their nineteenth-century rules. So until there's a ring on it, there'll be no Christmas cock for you.
There are three ways to get around this. Option one: you could get married. Unfortunately that's a bit expensive and may be more than you're ready for – especially if you only met him in October via Tinder, or if you're only going out with him to avoid having that awkward chat with grandparents about your love life.
Option two is my favourite: midnight sneaking. Wait until everyone's gone to bed, then rendezvous with your partner. This might be in either of your bedrooms or – if you've been stuffed into a room with his sisters or cousins – somewhere more daring like the kitchen. If you pick this option then please, for the love of God, do not just dump your condom in the bin. Wrap in tissue, place inside another piece of rubbish, then bury it in a pile of other trash so that your mother-in-law won't accidentally find it when she's chucking out the potato peelings. You'd be surprised how often these things happen.
Option three uses parental psychology, and works despite all your instincts to the contrary: have sex during the day. For some reason, as soon as people become parents, they completely forget that it's possible to have sex between the hours of 7 am and 6 pm. That's why, when you were a teenager, your Mum let you hang out with your boyfriend at the weekend but wouldn't let you stay over, despite the fact that you could get up to just as much fumbling sexytime no matter what the clock said.
So during the day, feign a headache, or a stomachache, or anything that'll realistically get you out of that pub trip/Christmas walk/church service, and hey presto! Your boyfriend can stay home and 'care for you' while the rest of the family is out, taking the opportunity to try out that 'Joy of Sex' book that his work colleagues got him as a secret santa joke. Bonus points (and more shagging time) if you can send them on a wild goose chase to fetch you Lemsip on Christmas Eve, when every single shop is shut.
If you're lucky enough to have a more accepting family, and they've put you in the same room, then you can have as much sex as you want, as long as you do it quietly. Quiet sex is often my favourite, because it adds an element of danger. It's also really annoying though: you may not have noticed how much the guest bed squeaked before, but I guarantee that at 2am on Christmas morning even the slightest creak will sound like you're shifting furniture.
To solve this problem, first you need to prepare. Upon arrival at your boyfriend's parents' house, throw yourself down on the bed to test the springs. If it's a bit squeaky, you might want to stockpile a couple of cushions so you can have more comfortable floor-based sex later. Next, set up a small yet powerful pair of speakers, and play Christmas music from them at regular intervals. People in the house need to believe that you take a keen delight in Wizzard, Slade, and any of the louder numbers which blare from shops at this time of year. Your in-laws might think you're a bit weird, but when you put your music on in the morning to cover the sounds of creaking/orgasmic glee, they'll shrug it off without getting suspicious.
When it comes to the sex itself, it's time to embrace the kind of slow, gentle lovemaking that they have in the movies. Not only is slow sex far less squeaky, it also rustles the bedsheets less. I find that me-on-top is best in stealth shag scenarios, because I get to control the pace and the level of squeak. It also means that you can make the most of grinding movements – as a general rule these seem to put less pressure on springs and squeaky headboards.
If you or your partner happens to be a moaner, and you've forgotten to bring a ball gag with you, I find knickers work as an excellent substitute. Whispering 'ssssh' as you push a pair of panties into his mouth is one of my favourite hot things to do: it combines erotic pervery with practicality in a way I just cannot resist.
My favourite trick for stealth sex, though, is the one that is actually easiest to do in a situation where you're supposed to keep your hands off each other. Thus it's perfect for family occasions, work outings, trips to Disneyland, and any other scenario in which you're supposed to pretend to be respectable: teasing. I find it hard to orgasm when the sex is slow, and most guys I've been with have found the same (what can I say? We're just really compatible like that) – if we have to worry about noise, we tense up and struggle to really let go. So building things up with some gentle teasing works wonders. Touching each other during the day, sneaking cheeky gropes when the family's back is turned, firmly grabbing his crotch with my hand during Christmas dinner – anything that gives you that quick, hot kick of lust.
When you've whipped each other into a frenzy of intense desperation, the sex itself will be much easier – whether it's slow and quiet or stuffed into a frantic two minutes while you play a burst of Slade. Voila – you've both got your rocks off without the parents ever knowing.
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Picture: Eugenia Loli
At work? With your gran?
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