Sex Lies We've All Told
The Debrief: You never masturbate? Really?
We've all seen that beautiful moment of cinema history when the nymph-like tearaway with an upturned nose and curly hair (Sally) proves to the gnome-like, nasal-voiced, exceedingly narrow-hipped New Yorker (Harry) that most of the girls he had slept with were faking it.
Ah faking an orgasm! Something we know all too well and weirdly, despite media giving them wake-up alarms from all electronic devices, and epic films such as Harry n Sally spelling it out to them, men seem to STILL be convinced those noises are omitted in earnest every single time.
This is the most famous Sex Lie. If sex lies existed in monarchical order, the fake O is Queen E. But what other little tales of deceit to we weave into our sexual tapestry?
The Magic Number
This sex lie tends to pop out when a boy looks intently into your eyes and says 'I need to know. Tell me the truth. I told you mine!!!'' (which was obviously increased significantly...) Returning the deep stare we lie with conviction, elegance and grace, knocking off at least a dozen. 'Four. Definitely four. But they all meant NOTHING! They were NOTHING compared to you' (cue film noir music, some B+W shadows on a wall and obvs some piped cigarette smoke) This is a WHITE SEX LIE: you don't wanna be his wormhole riddled cooking apple - you want to be his Pink Lady! #seedyapplereferences
How missionary is NOT one of our favourite positions
Fess up girls... we all like the positions where we don't have to do anything so we can put all our energy into getting into the mental moment for our sometimes rather elusive orgasms. 'I just LOVE pounding him deep into the headboard because it really stimulates my clitoris' says pathological liar, Phoebe. Phoebe smokes twenty a day and is definitely concentrating on disguising her wheezing rather than what her clitoris is doing. I challenge anyone who says they 'enjoy the workout' and raise them an 8.30am circuit training session that they probably won't go to either.
Never have I ever
There is always THAT girl, be it at teenage sleepovers or hen dos (they never grow out of it) who catapults the stakes in Never Have I Ever games, drinking at every turn. When it's her turn she'll say something outrageous like 'I have never been gang banged in a supermarket,' then with a feigned embarrassment 'oops, forgot about that time!' and down her shot, feasting on the open-mouthed shock and nervous giggling of her audience. Everyone at some stage has got monumentally p*ssed off at THAT girl and lied elaborately to knock her off her stage. And it felt great. No-one makes Baby feel like a prude.
'I'm no sex before marriage'
Perhaps not a lie we've ALL told but one anyone who wants to continue dating that physically replusive walking wallet who takes her to Nobu has at the very least considered telling. You know who you are. No need to be ashamed, we get it.
How often we masturbate
We still skirt around the topic of how often we explore beneath our skirts. Why?! It's not the devil's doorbell ffs. Ludicrous lie/truth economy. Over the last ten years, as a staunch advocate, I have been first hand witness (WAHEEYY) to women refusing it's an activity in which they partake in at all. Come on ladies, let's be honest about it and share our self-loving strategies.
How often we watch lesbian porn
We all know that boobs are fun... we play with our own... they're nice to look at and jiggle about when you're bored. They also look good on screen... so why are we lying about watching lesbian porn, when the latest Pornhub stats prove that we do, loads. Again, why are we all lying about this one?
How many times you imagine someone else in bed with you
It's pretty horrific to think you're having sex with someone whilst they're imagining someone else... but they probably have. How do you know? Because you definitely have. 'I never think of anyone else but my boyfriend' says simpering sex-liar Sarah. NO, Sarah. Half closing your eyes so you just see blurred lines of your boyfriend's torso whilst imagining a complete stranger (but not a 'specific stranger') STILL counts as thought-cheating. And thought-cheating is totally allowed. It's not 1984 Sarah. No-one's policing it. Vote truth.
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Photo: Francesca Allen
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