Gareth May | Contributing Writer | 1,328 day ago

Male Ego vs. Female Orgasm: What Men Are Really Thinking When You Come

The Debrief: Is your orgasm a point of pride for a guy, or simply a nice extra? One male writer explains all...

The first time I give a girl an orgasm I’m in a cowshed. It’s winter, it’s freezing, but huddled together – me backed up against the handlebars of the quad bike, her backed up against me – I don’t feel cold. As her breath quickens, I try to decipher her moans. ‘Is she enjoying this? Am I doing it right? Am I hurting her?’

Then she grabs my wrist and her whole body starts to shudder and shake. ‘She’s trying to get free,’ I tell myself before, eyes widening with panic, recollecting the packet of Bombay mix we shared on the backseat of the 181 on the way out to my folks. ‘She’s going into anaphylactic shock!’

Ten long seconds later and she announces her orgasm. My neurosis immediately disappears and an immense sense of pride spreads out across my limbs to my toes and my rather tired fingers.

In that moment I was, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest lover on Earth. It was no small miracle that I didn’t rip off my Lambretta target T-shirt and run around the cowshed yelling: ‘By the power of Grayskull! I have the power!’

I was 16 at the time and I’d like to say that over the years I’ve become more relaxed regarding whether or not I can make a woman come. But the need for approval remains – just like that bad smell emanating from the fridge that you just can’t pinpoint.

The most common reason for a heterosexual woman faking an orgasm is ‘altruistic deceit’. In short, as a way to avoid hurting a man’s feelings

Often, in the cradle of sweat, limbs and bodily secretions that is the aftermath of sex with a new woman, I’ve found myself asking more questions than the Spanish Inquisition. Quite frankly, I’d be better off leaving a pencil and a performance evaluation sheet on the pillow while I nip off to scramble some eggs.

It’s a terrible habit. I’m doing something that I know will take some of the joy out of the moment for my own brief benefit. All the while, deep down – behind the insecurities and need for validation – knowing full well that no good can ever come off it. It’s a bit like weeing in the bath; a bath you’re sharing with someone else.

In a 2011 study by Erin Cooper at Temple University, Pennsylvania, the most common reason for a heterosexual woman faking an orgasm was ‘altruistic deceit’. In short, as a way to avoid hurting a man’s feelings.

Does giving a girl an orgasm validate me as a man? Yes, sadly, I think it does

Orgasms are such odd little things – pure moments of euphoria as unique and fleeting as drops of rain – and yet in their brief existence, or lack thereof, they can leave a stain befitting an act of crime.

Does giving a girl an orgasm validate me as a man? Yes, sadly, I think it does. But I’m not the only one. In another 2011 study (obviously, that was a big year for orgasm research), William McKibbin, at the University of Michigan, found that 90 per cent of men cared if their partners had an orgasm. McKibbin also found a feeling of ‘distress’ when the men found out their partners were faking. And these were men in committed relationships.

I can partly blame science for my pillow-talk interrogations. There are those biologists who believe a female orgasm and the contractions that accompany it can help with fertilization. Therefore, my inner-caveman is simply trying to be the best lover in the tribe to combat the possibility of ‘sperm competition’. There’s a game show I’d like to see. Others however, believe the female orgasm is simply a evolutionary by-product of the male orgasm – the primary function of which is to expel semen from the penis towards the female’s egg.

Primal or not, men are competitive creatures. We have an argument with the telly when England fail to convert a try from the five metre line, adore Adam Richman for eating the entire population of America’s body weight in bad meat, and judge other men at the bar by the way in which they hold their pints. We simply have to be the best shag you’ve ever had and we quantify this by number of orgasms, intensity of orgasms and some of us – sad but true – by whether or not we’ve made anyone squirt.

My close-ish friend Terry* (*name changed) tells me otherwise. ‘I wouldn’t say as long as I get my kicks, I couldn’t care less. But generally, I just assume they’ve enjoyed it. I don’t ask the question, as it’s one of those that will inevitably lead to a response you don’t want to hear.’ Perhaps Tel has balls the size of planets? Or perhaps he’s just wise?

‘Did you come?’ It’s an impossible question. Just because someone says they came doesn’t mean they actually did – as Cooper’s study testifies. And since when was an orgasm a mark of sexual prowess anyway?

Raise your hands if you’ve ever felt down in the dumps, ended up in bed with someone you kind of fancy who kind of knows what they’re doing, but you end up having an orgasm which feels like your groin has detached itself from your body and jettisoned into outer space like an extremely sexually satisfied Sandra Bullock.

The circumstances of the shag, the mindset we were in at the time, how much Red Bull we’ve consumed, all contribute to the occasion. The intensity of the orgasm doesn’t always match the intensity for the person. Some orgasms just need to happen – and it really doesn’t matter who’s at the other end of the cock.

But there is one other, more holistic reason for our rampant pursuit of the female orgasm – and it’s one which is non-gender specific. We simply want to give our girls pleasure. In the same way that girls want to give their boys pleasure. We want to hear indecipherable gobbledygook spill from our lover’s mouths. We want to be clung to like we’re walking across a tightrope together trying to escape a burning building. We want to lie side-by-side, skin brushing skin, starring at the ceiling in awe.

They’re free, they’re mysterious, they’re awesome – if there’s a better gift in the world than an orgasm we haven’t found it yet.

Follow Gareth on Twitter @garethmay

Picture: Eylul Aslan 

Tags: Sex, NSFW, Sex O\'Clock