Low-Fi Sex Moves For When You’ve Eaten So Much Food And You're So Hungover, You Can Barely Move
The Debrief: Just because you've drunk your own body weight in Baileys over the last two weeks, doesn't mean you can't have a festive shag
Christmas is about love and peace and all that jazz, but more obviously it seems to be a delicious orgy of hedonistic overindulgence. No sooner have you polished off the chocolate orange you got in your stocking than someone's shoving a mince pie in your face. Two bottles of cheap Cava later, you're done with breakfast, which means you just need a few gins and a box of Matchmakers to get you through til lunchtime.
Unfortunately, for those wishing to indulge in other physical pleasures, a stomach full of roast potatoes and weird creamy liqueurs is a bit of an obstacle. So here are a few really low-effort sex moves that'll get you through Christmas when you're far too full and hungover to move. No yoga-practise or stamina required, I promise.
The Christmas turkey
While a straightforward shag in which you just lie there doing nothing may be seen as a trifle lazy, there are some kinds of sex in which is it absolutely essential for you to stay still. I'm talking, of course, about bondage.
When the plates have been cleared, the tin of Cadburys Roses has been well and truly emptied (or as good as – no one likes those round toffee ones anyway) take your beloved to one side and whisper that tonight you fancy something a bit spicier.
At bedtime, produce a length of rope or two, and request that they tie you to the bedposts. Wrists at the top, ankles at the bottom, whichever way up floats your boat. Then simply lie there making occasional half-hearted attempts to wriggle against your bonds, while they put in all the effort. It's a bit like Christmas dinner, in that one person works their arse off, but you all get to enjoy the results.
The Queen's speech
This one requires no more effort than her Maj picking a Christmas hat (because we suspect her servants do that for her). Take your partner's hand, place it inside your pants, and proceed to tell them a filthy-hot story. Sex in the snow, a sleigh-ride that ends at a swingers' party, a threesome with Santa – whatever turns you both on. Build the story as you want them to build their movements, and let them rub you to a climax as you reach your storytelling crescendo. You might want to moan and twitch a bit at the end to show you've enjoyed it, but that's all the physical effort that's required.
The wrapped present
A joy which combines both the hotness of teenage fumbling and the joy of not having to bother taking your clothes off, dry humping is something which adults seem to have forgotten. I think this is more than a bit of a shame: not only can rubbing against your partner be as erotic as having naked sex, but it also removes the chances that you'll get caught in flagrante delicto if your nan wanders in halfway through.
Sure, you might be a bit more attuned to full sex, and achieving orgasm through humping alone can be a little tricky, but lying next to each other for half an hour of makeout snogs and gentle frotting can take the pressure off. You don't need to come, after all, and perhaps having a slower build up might get you in the mood for later – when your huge roast dinner has digested and you're feeling a bit more human again.
'Playing with your new presents'
Requires investment, but is well worth it. Invest in something vibratey and powerful to give your loved one at Christmas. Something like a powerful massage wand, or a (much as I hate this word) guybrator. You might think there's effort required in this, but the best sex toys these days are so decent that they can give many people a totally hands-free orgasm.
Sure 'I bought this because I knew I'd be too full to fuck you' isn't the most romantic Christmas declaration, but you get the best of both worlds with this one: you can watch your partner being rubbed and buzzed to a fizzing climax, and you get super-bonus brownie points for getting them an awesome gift.
Doesn't work if your family does the Secret Santa thing, though.
The compulsory evening games
This is the best, the laziest, and the most bang-for-your-buck low-fi sex move. In it, you and your partner lie naked beneath the bedclothes, trying not to rustle them too hard in case your visiting relatives overhear. Gently begin touching yourselves – no cheating, you can't touch each other.
Much like your average family board game, the idea is to get yourself 'out' as quickly as possible, so it's over and done with and you can have a cosy nap. Some people might not be keen on introducing such a competitive element to sex, but it is both lazy and sexy, so I'm a big fan. Besides, it's more fun than a family game of Trivial Pursuit, right?
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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
At work? With your gran?
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