Sophie Cullinane | Features Editor | Thursday, 4 June 2015

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'I'd Rather Masturbate Than Have Sex With My Boyfriend'

The Debrief: It’s not that this 26 year-old maitre d' (let’s call her Anna) doesn’t enjoy having sex with her boyfriend, it’s just that she enjoys having sex with herself a whole lot more. As told to Sophie Cullinane...

‘I have been in a blissfully happy relationship with my 29 year-old primary school teacher boyfriend, James*, since I moved from Liverpool to London three years ago. In that time, we’ve fallen in love, bought a flat together in Clapton, East London, and amassed some truly memorable sexual experiences. There was that time that I gave him head on the sofa in our friend’s living room, totally unbeknownst to two other party-dwellers who had also crashed on the sofa for the night. On our first anniversary in Amsterdam, I had to stop midway through so I could be sick into the hotel’s bedside cabinet drawer. We’ve had sex in parks, in our parent’s houses, in our kitchen and in club toilets. Most memorably, for me, was when he first told me that he loved me and we had the most tender, trembling, intense sex I’ve ever had. So I love my boyfriend, am physically attracted to him and am completely satisfied with our sex life, but the truth is that all of the sexual pleasure I get from our relationship pales into insignificance compared to pleasure I can give myself when I masturbate.

‘For me, the issue is that I have never been able to come from penetrative sex alone. I get a lot from sex – it still feels great and it’s a way for me to physically express how into my boyfriend I am – but for a full, intense, earth-shattering orgasm it just doesn’t deliver. Even when James stimulates my clitoris during sex, he tends not to do it for long enough or use the right technique to get me off – the same thing applies to oral sex. Not to mention that fact that sex is pretty much “over” whenever the guy comes and I am sure I am not alone in being left unsatisfied by the actual ‘in out’ part of shagging. Don’t get me wrong, I have reached orgasm during sex or when he’s gone down on me, but they’ve always been a duller, shorter and altogether less “impressive” orgasm compared to the kind I can get with my own hands or with a sex toy. They’re just different – one is more emotional and the other more intense – and I would miss them both if they were to suddenly stop, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss the high-velocity version that little bit more.

‘I’ve tried to talk to James about it, but I can tell that the conversation makes him feel inadequate as a sexual partner and, because I love him, I’d rather continue as we are than hurt his feelings. Unfortunately, I don’t always succeed in protecting him emotionally – I once told him I was too stressed at work to have sex, only for him to discover me masturbating in the shower an hour or so later. He was incredibly hurt and assumed I was lying because I wasn’t enjoying our sex life anymore, which simply wasn’t the case – I really was too stressed to invest in the ‘connectedness’ of real IRL sex, but I definitely wasn’t too stressed to give myself a two minute seeing to. In fact, I was doing it to try and relax.

‘And now that our relationship has moved into a more serious place – we’ve been talking about marriage and what we’d do if I ever got pregnant – having sex has become less of a priority for me. James is my best friend and I couldn’t imagine being happier with anyone else than I am with him, but the days of toilet shagging and al fresco blowjobs are long behind us. Sex is great, but I work long hours and have many more responsibilities – a puppy and a mortgage, to be precise – than I ever did in the beginning of our relationship and sometimes having to set aside time to have sex feel impractical or like a bit of a chore. James outwardly complains about the fact we now have sex once or twice a week when we used to have sex nearly every night we were together, but I know that deep down he feels the same way. Having sex is now something we set aside a proper amount of time to enjoy, compared to wanking, which, with a spare five access to the internet, can deliver me to total bliss and oblivion without disrupting my evening (or morning, or lunch break). And, try as he might, James has never once given me multiple orgasms at any point during our relationships, compared to my rampant rabbit, which once gave me six orgasms in less than ten minutes. It’s hard to argue with those numbers, isn’t it?’ 

Like this? You might also be interested in:

'I've Never Had An Orgasm With Someone Else In The Room'

How To Get Fingered Even Though Your Too Old For A School Disco

Sex Toy Maintenance 101

Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophiecullinane

Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski