I Spend A Week Testing Aphrodisiacs To See If They Make Your Sex Life Amazing. Here's What Happened...
The Debrief: For example, did you know that chilli is an aphrodisiac? Just make sure you wash your hands before you put them anywhere dangerous
Photographed by Maurizio Di Iorio
My boyfriend experienced Dry January as far as sex with me was concerned and a Wet January in terms of the extra showers he took to beat off the frustration.
I had had the Mirena coil fitted and was dealing with the consequences: blinding cramps and zero sex drive. I was so crippled and emotionally drained for the entirety of the month I'd have given Pistorius a run for his money.
Mid-January, Boyf had been to some swish work-do, shucking oysters and drinking champagne all evening. He spent the whole taxi ride home demanding I send him pictures of my vagina. At first, I found sending him secondary school biology diagrams, one after another, hilarious - until he called me, drunkenly slurred 'this is what's wrong with our sex life' and hung up.
Lying dejected in my Dumbo pyjamas, scratching one leg with an emery board, I started to consider possible ways to rev up the sex drive these implanted hormones had stripped me of.
As I had also piled on a few holiday pounds I decided to do a diet consisting entirely of aphrodisiacs. So I toddled off to Waitrose (laah dee daa!) and spent FAR too much money on posh food to make me horny.
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Why it is an aphrodisiac? Get's your endorphins going, makes your heart beat faster and makes you sweat... just like sexy time.
Breakfast: Scrambled egg with Tabasco
Lunch: Tom Yam Soup (EAT)
Dinner: Seafood Stirfry with fresh chilli and extra chilli sauce you get in Vietnamese restaurants
Results: DO NOT play with ANYONE's genitals after chopping chilli!!!!!! I have made this mistake before many a time solo and cannot BELIEVE I fell for it again. Yes it was hot... but it also stang like a scorpion sting on sunburnt skin. Yoghurt, though not known for it's aphrodisiacal effects was my sexual saviour. Chances of clitoral stimulation were nil considering I was completely numb.
Why it is an aphrodisiac? Potassium, Vit E + Vit B6 which is supposed to help pump out male sex hormones and potassium. They also look like big green testicles.
Breakfast: Avocado Smoothie (Banana, Avocado, Agave and Almond Milk)
Lunch: Avocado on Rye with Chilli Flakes
Dinner: Prawn and Avocado Rocket Salad
Results: I have boycotted avocados since they started being pimped out by every 20 something skinny minnie on Instagram. Plonking avocado on toast and sprinkling chilli flakes on them does not make you the new Delia, loves. So I was sick of the sight of them but forgot how yummy they are. Sadly, I think I might have eaten a dodgy prawn which screwed up the sex part a bit. It's not sexy to say "'dodgy prawn' before sex and it's 'disrespectful' to stop proceedings to call your mother about shellfish poisoning. Apparently.
Why it is an aphrodisiac? Phallic spears of Vit E, source of folate, antioxidants. If the sex ain't good your hair/skin/nails will look gorgeous so you can seduce someone else who will bone you better
Breakfast: Asparagus with Poached Egg
Lunch: Steamed asparagus with hollandaise
Dinner: Asparagus and Chicken bake.
I love asparagus; fun to say, easy to cook, jiving up your sex hormones and magicking your pee into 50 shades of shamrock to boot. Don't even mind the smell as it feels like part of a science experiment. That aside, I had been to the gym for the first time in forever so I was feeling pretty zingy. He, on the other hand had to work late and returned dead in body and mind. So I had a party with myself in the bath. Which was as deeeelicious as the asparagus.
Why it is an aphrodisiac? Contains Cytrolline, which relaxes blood vessels... which is exactly what Viagra does.
Breakfast: Watermelon juice (+ two slices of toast)
Lunch: Watermelon Feta and Olive Salad with Watermelon Juice
Dinner: 4 Large glasses of wine and a McDonalds cheeseburger.... and the rest of my Watermelon juice circa 3am
Results: I was off my face so what I remember was brilliant. I was brilliant. I woke up with one leg in a stocking attached to some suspenders which I hadn't managed to do up so I was obviously really going for it. My boyfriend, however, said I was NOT funny, I was NOT sexy and he would NOT go out drinking with me again unless he had witnessed me eating carbohydrates beforehand. I don't even bloody like watermelon. Lose.
Why it is an aphrodisiac? Potassium and shitloads of antioxidants. Historically found at once covering up and drawing attention to sexy bits.
Breakfast: Figs with Greek Yoghurt
Lunch: Goats Cheese and Fig Salad
Dinner: Prosciutto and Fig Pizza. (And red wine)
Results: I don't know if it was the figs or the fact I felt really womanly, daintily eating my exotic salad (still drunk at this point), but I started fantasizing I was a beautiful Spanish bakeress, kneading my pizza dough happily hair-of-the-dogging with some Campo Viejo, listening to Latin tunes. This was a necessary romantic evening, to apologise for screaming 'There are plenty of fish in the sea, my friend!' on the Strand, waving a cheeseburger in his face the night before. It was makeup sex which is always great. Figalicious makeup sex. New wave.
Why it is an aphrodisiac? Not only are they vulvic of appearance, they also are full of zinc which I KNOW increases sex drive as Boyf has been taking these vitamin pills that are really high in zinc and they WORK.
Brunch: Bloody Mary's and Oysters at the Bloody Oyster bus @ South Bank Food Market
Dinner: Oysters, Scallops and Prawns from Billingsgate market + Prosecco
Results: Getting up at 4am to get to Billingsgate was SO fun and something really different. I could write an essay about it JUST DEFINITELY GO. We managed to get a whole load of stuff for some seriously reasonable prices and now my freezer looks like a fish graveyard. Back to bed between, 8 and 12... to sleep. not sex. Then up and out for some eye openers. Then back to bed. Again - don't think it's what is IN oysters so much as it's a bit decadent and usually accompanied by alcohol. Very fun day. Very fun sex. Oysters win.
Why it is an aphrodisiac?
Breakfast: Starbucks Hot Chocolate
Lunch:Chocolate Chilli con carne. + bar of fruit and nut.
Dinner: Chocolate chillie con carne..... because all other chocolate savoury recipes look DISGUSTING.
Results: There was never going to be any sex after eating Chilli con carne all day really...chocolate infused or not. This was the worst idea ever. We both fell into bloated comas at about 7pm in front of a really awful 1970's war film, agreeing that, overall, we'd done pretty well on the sex front this week. And Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest.
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Follow Madeleine on Twitter @missmadeleinek
Photographed by Maurizio Di Iorio
At work? With your gran?
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