How To Have Great Morning Sex (Even If You Hate Morning Sex)
The Debrief: ...and even when you stink of last night's kebab
Let’s face it - not all of us wake up first thing in the morning twirling and singing like Maria von Trapp. In fact, if you’re anything like me you need at least three coffees before you can muster so much as a grunt.
As you can probably tell, I’m clearly not a fan of morning sex: nine times out of ten I’d rather just have toast. But sometimes - especially when you’re boosted by that sleepy/horny hangover feeling - you just have to grit your teeth and give your libido what it wants. Here are my top tips to get through morning sex without disappointing the person who’s with you.
Before we begin I need to stress that morning sex is not something I’d attempt on an actual work day. Breakfast meetings might be more interesting if we were all cloaked in post-shag afterglow, but I none of us would get to them on time. In fact, the very idea of getting into it when I know the alarm is about to go off sends me into a mild panic. What happens if it bleeps before you finish? Do you both just stop, disengage, and begin the race to the bathroom? Do you keep going as it rings, hoping one or other of you reaches climax before your housemates burst in and smash your phone to pieces with a shoe? Or do you - worst case scenario - reach over to turn it off, and accidentally spot all the emails, tweets and facebook messages that mark the start of yet another tedious day on the planet? Blergh. I choose none of these things. But morning sex at the weekend is a whole different matter.
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First thing’s first: if you know morning sex might be on the cards, it’s always a good idea to have wet wipes next to your bed. I have always wanted to offer sex advice that basically boils down to ‘wipe your fanny’, so I’m going to grab this opportunity with both hands. If you’ve a vagina, and you’ve had a hot night the evening before, chances are you’re not going to be shower-fresh in the morning. Personally this is not something I’m that bothered about - your partner probably couldn’t care less, and there’s something pretty sexy (in my opinion) about that post-shag musky sex scent the morning after. It smells - let’s be honest - like victory.
Equally, I know that not everyone is like me, sniffing their palms because they like the smell of jizz after a hand job. Some of you are more refined than that: you have scented candles and fabric softener and actual, honest to god, perfume. If you’re one of these people, a discreet wet-wipe before a morning quickie will prevent you having to worry about what fermented overnight.
Teeth can also be problematic. Unless you are an actual wizard, your breath in the morning smells like some combination of everything you consumed the night before, plus onions. If you had booze (and let’s face it if it’s a weekend you probably did) then throw in a bit of tongue-fuzz as well. If you’re in this state, for the love of God don’t start with a blow job. I have made this mistake countless times before, only to find that my saliva glands aren’t working and it feels like I’m doing some weird cock-based version of the three-Jacobs-crackers-in-a-minute challenge.
Water by the bed, for sure. And for the teeth, well. If you’re one of the aforementioned classy people, you might be foolishly tempted to pop to the bathroom and give them a quick scrub. On no account should you do this though, because what you’ve just created is a massive hotness gap that even the sexiest partner can’t leap over. If you brush your teeth then when you slip back into bed, you smell like glacier mints and they still smell like arse. Even if they don’t notice, your wincing face and refusal to do proper mouthsnogs will quickly give the game away.
So you have two options: either both of you get up, brush your teeth, then slip back into bed (which totally kills the mood), or you suck up the fact that any kisses will taste like a Wetherspoons carpet. I go for the latter, and just try to avoid direct contact. After all, some of the best sex happens when you’re not face to face: reverse cowgirl, doggy style, even normal cowgirl if you sit up properly, at all costs avoiding huffing ‘OHHHH YEAH’s directly into their face.
If this all sounds a bit grim and horrible, remember the benefits. Because despite my morning grumpiness, I promise there are some. Point one - if your other half is anything like mine, then their 7 am boners will beat afternoon and evening ones hands down for sheer rigidity. I’ve known morning boners that, with a fair swing, could be used to shatter concrete. So if you’re with a guy who is performing the age-old seduction technique of ‘poking you with it a bit’ then turning round and hopping straight on it can be well worth the effort.
Next up: your looks. I know, I read the same magazine articles when I was younger about women who’d remove their make-up before bed, then get up early the next morning and put it on again so their partner would never see them au naturel - they were bollocks. Have you ever seen yourself looking all smeared and sultry and shaggy haired first thing in the morning? You look like a fucking babe, mate, honestly. I suspect my colleagues over at the Style section might tell you that wearing make up to bed isn’t great for your skin, but it sure works wonders for your early-morning sex face.
Most importantly, embrace the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve woken up with a healthy dose of endorphins and oxytocin. You know how much better that lovely pub roast tastes if you’ve hiked five miles to get there? The same thing is true after morning sex: fuck like a trooper, grab yourself a coffee, and enjoy the best bacon sandwich you’ll have all week.
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Picture: Maggy Van Eijk
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