Stevie Martin | Staff Writer | Thursday, 22 January 2015

How To Give Yourself A Brazilian Using Veet

The Debrief: No this post isn't sponsored, I just really fucking love Veet

How to use veet on private parts? Ripping your pubes out isn't the only option. And neither is shaving - which should never be an option because a) it pretty much grows back as you're shaving and b) it's a razorblade - take it away from your clitoris. For about a year now, I've been introducing my better half (I call my vagina* my better half because I'm a great laugh etc) to a little hair-melting friend known on the circuits as Veet - and if you haven't given it a go, then you probably should. 

While other hair removal creams are obviously available, Veet is my mecca.  

Why? Here's any potential question you might ever have about Veeting your vulva, answered. And before we start, no, this post is not sponsored by Veet and neither am I. Although I'm up for it if they are. 

* Yes I know that the vagina is the inside bit, and nobody in their right mind should be putting hair removal cream actually up their actual vaginas, but for the sake of this article - and my aversion to the word 'vulva', can all the pedants please forgive the inaccuracy? Cheers. 

 

** God it's such an upsetting word. Like glans. Or scrote. Or anus. Or lapel. 

Can you use Veet on your vagina?

Not ON your vagina! That would be madness. According to Veet themselves, 'you can use Veet hair removal creams, but take care not to make contact with your intimate areas.' This is college speak for do NOT put Veet on your vagina. Around is fine, (assuming you've done a patch test and everything looks A-OK), but on or in your vagina is a no go. Got it? Good. Let's continue... 

Does it work if you're not good at bikini waxing? 

Yes. I am really bad at getting waxed because I spend the whole day stressed to distraction and then usually cry afterwards (pretty much like having sex, right guys? Only joking. I cry during) - probably a throwback to my first wax when the woman put her foot up on the table and kept saying things like 'Jesus Christ' and 'Don't leave it so long next time'. I was 15. If anyone's tried to wax themselves, which I then invariably did, then the less said about it the better - but I certainly will say that I nearly erased my own vagina. And, considering my boyfriend wouldn't notice a bikini wax if my faff wore a small tee-shirt that read: 'I AM SO BALD AND COLD', it made me wonder what the fuck the point of it was.

Turns out, I'd gone too far and now couldn't turn back. During 2013 I decided to go full 70s and quickly realised that I'm used to the baldness, and I feel weird when I'm not 'sorted'. I like smoothness. I just needed a pain-free alternative that didn't include me crying. Enter: Veet. 

Can you use any hair removal cream on your bikini line? 

Obviously there are loads of hair removal creams, and obviously you can't use all of them on your vagina, so it's worth using a 'sensitive' one and doing a patch test. (I use the 5 Minute Sensitive Hair Removal Cream, if you're interested) It takes five minutes (!) to melt any hair, and smells like peaches. OK so it smells like Veet, but it takes way less time and is way less humiliating than spending money to have a woman rip your hair out. For example, I like to apply the cream in the evening, get on all fours with my head on the bed like a little dog and watch the opening scenes of House before showering it off and enjoying the rest of the episode. You can even do it in the morning before work: just make toast (or whatever you normally have for breakfast, it doesn't have to be toast), strip off and Veet while you're eating in the comfort of your own bedroom (with locked doors and washed hands) before jumping in the shower. It's so goddamn easy. You can even Veet while biking to work! On horseback! On live television while reading the news!

How easy is it to veet your bikini line? 

A chimp could put this stuff on, although it's a better idea to just do it yourself. Obviously do a test, in case you're allergic, but if you're not then you don't need to worry about getting a bit on the old girls (that's what the young people are calling their labia now right?) because it's not going to destroy them. It doesn't hurt - and I'm the sort of person who has to use baby oil after a shower because normal moisturisers make me scab up like a giant scab. The freaky thing is scraping your own hair off in the shower, but it's also weirdly fascinating and kind of my favourite thing.

How much hair can you take off with Veet? 

Fancy pushing the boundaries of what the word 'bikini line' means? Fancy really sticking to the essence of what the word 'bikini line' means? Then go wild. Have a trim, so you can spread the cream easily, and then feel free to write your own name if that's what tickles your boat/floats your fancy (alright so that might be quite difficult, but you can certainly sculpt). For anyone worried about the undercarriage aspect of hair removal, I like all of that off and a small landing strip - otherwise my vagina looks incredibly surprised, cold and betrayed - and I've never suffered from any irritation or issues. At most, you tweeze some stray guys (read: hairs). At best, you're good to go. 

How bad is the regrowth with hair removal cream?

Although, admittedly, it comes back after a few days, this is a lot better than shaving, doesn't involve any sort of gross regrowth rash, and the result is way softer once you get past the Emery Board Period. Oh, have you not heard of the EBP? Lasts about 12 hours and renders sex both uncomfortable and hilarious, as well as pretty much impossible unless you lube your entire crotch. On the plus side, if you've got any cupboards or skirting boards that need sanding, this is more of a blessing than a nuisance, and it's a great time to get your SO to go down on you because if he (or she) does anything else, there's a high possibility you'll erode them like the white cliffs of Dover. 

How often can you do it?

Because it's so quick, and so much less uncomfortable than shaving, you can re-do the process after just a few days of regrowth because now there are Veets which tailor to shorter hair. Ever got caught short before a night out where you're more furry than you'd like, but not long enough to do some emergency shaving because my god it sort of hurts? Welcome to Veet-town, population your vagina. And my vagina. And probably a fair few other vaginas, otherwise they wouldn't be doing so well in the sales department.

Also... 

It's hilliarious! You're melting hair off your vag! Hahahahahahahahahahaahhahaha. Way funnier than having a wax (too professional and normal) or a shave (too impractical). This probably shouldn't be your main take-away from this article, but if you're anything like me and occasionally fake tan one buttcheek as a private joke to yourself, then it's a good reason to get Veet-ing. 

Like this? You might also be interested in...

Questions You've Always Wanted To Ask Your Bikini Waxer, Answered

'Getting A Tongue-ful Of Pubes Isn't That Much Fun' - A Lesbian On The Brazilian Or Bush Debate

I Was That Girl Who Broke Her Fanny - What It Feels Like To Be An Urban Myth

Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

Tags: Sex, Beauty Chat