Here's What Happened When We Recreated Sex Scenes From Classic Films
The Debrief: Turns out Disclosure is a total winner. That sex scene from Titanic? Not so much...
Recently my boyfriend* and I have been in a bit of a sex rut. Too tired, hungover, not in the mood or tragically ... too full, we've turned into two flabby, festering, TV watchers, keeping our hands very much to ourselves or in a family bag of Walkers Sensations.
We've drained Netflix box-sets and have moved onto filling the gaps in each others' film knowledge. I brought Romy and Michelle and Cabaret to the table, he brought pretty much any film ever made about cars like Fast and the Furious and some documentary about a Formula 1 driver.
In a desperate attempt to inject a sex life into our TV life I suggested recreating the sex scenes from the next six films we watched. We did this over the course of six weeks and actually it was the most fun I have had since I got my sixth form class kicked out of an Italian restaurant on a school trip after having sex with one of the waiters in the loos. Oh, to be a 17 year old slut-bag again!
*for the purposes of this piece I shall be referring to my boyfriend as Bob. He isn't actually called Bob, he is called Paul. But I prefer Bob.
His choice: Basic Instinct
I tend to avoid going on top by being really generous with blow jobs instead. I thought that was a good tactic until this suggestion came up and I knew I'd been sniffed out. Bob had beaten me at my own game using another one of my games. It almost made me want to stab out his eyes with an ice pick... So I set up some GREAT mood lighting and tied his hands to the bedposts with two pairs of tights, 10 denier, matt.
Then I went to work. I made sure to do lots of sexy head tossing and hair swishing whilst grinding the old beans and was thoroughly pooped by the end of it. Ok to be fair, I had to untie him half way through so he could throw down for the finish because, as usual, I was getting the rhythm embarrassingly wrong. At least I look a bit like Sharon Stone - if Sharon Stone was chubbier, brunette and had a different face. So that's good.
Review: 4/5: You will be cream crackered by the end of this. Worth it though, to have a naked man tied to your bed; a beautiful powerful thing with high opportunistic value. Perfect time to host a spontaneous Nyotaimori party, for example.
My choice: Team America World Police
After Bob promised me he would never die, we attempted as many positions as possible in under a minute, to Bon Jovi's Only A Woman. Most were that of a standard repertoire: missionary, 69, doggy, reverse cowboy, spooning - it was the butter churner that was the real sweat-squeezer. I've never been able to do a hand-stand myself, let alone when someone is trying to enter me at the same time. Kicked Bob in the face a couple of times, kneed my nose and at one point had some face contact with my own stomach. Never pleasant. Came to the conclusion would try again after detox January when I have abs like Gary the actor. What a pin-up Pinnochio! I so would.
Review: 4/5: Motivational. One of those romp sessions that make you realise how much better sex would be if you were fitter. Or a puppet.
His Choice: Disclosure
Immediately after the Basic Instinct suggestion, I was beginning to think Bob had a crush on Michael Douglas, who by the way has a very open-mouth, tongue-everywhere kissing style. Poor Demi and Sharon with their poor saliva drenched faces. Bob has been wanting to have sex in his office for a while. Reassured it was safe, I agreed to sneak in with him on a Saturday. It was totally empty but there was the added excitement someone might come in any moment. I started going down on him and suddenly I had awoken the sex dragon who has been in a coma for a few months. I got shoved and carried, buttons removed... definitely the best sex I have had in a LONG time. I'm actually now giggling like a perverted schoolgirl just thinking about it.... So far, we seem to have gotten away with it too, which is handy for you know, employment and everything.
I recommend highly, provided sufficient planning takes place prior and you don't end up in an awkward meeting on Monday morning watching X-Rated CCTV footage with your boss.
Review: 5/5: HOT to TROT. I recommend highly, provided sufficient planning takes place prior and you don't end up in an awkward meeting on Monday morning watching X-Rated CCTV footage with your boss.
My Choice: Titanic
No one has a boat in London these days except hippies and artists who ironically choose to moor in Canary Wharf or Chelsea Harbour - so we were unlikely to find a car on one.
Instead, we nicked my housemates car keys, which was quite easy as he's usually passed out on the sofa, and snuck around the corner to where it was parked on a dark street. Even though the car smelled like 3 week old McDonalds, this could have been really sexy had Bob not decided to shout 'I'll Never Let Go Jack' in his best lady voice immediately after I had informed him I was about to come. Needless to say, the car did NOT get hot and steamy enough to make a very good handprint on the window OR to stop an old man walking his dog having a good long peer in. Kate and Jack's post coital trembling and whispers of love were replaced with post coital shivering and 'Fuck me it's cold' - so we legged it back to the house to have a hot bath and an Ovaltine.
Review: 2/5: Only ever attempt to have sex with a 6ft man in a car if it's a vintage Bentley. Ford Fiestas lead to muscle spasms. And not the good 'Baby! I can't feel my toes and I KNOW it ain't frostbite" kind.
His choice: American Pie
Basically, he got the brief wrong and essentially wanted me to bake an apple pie so he could fuck it. Watching Bob stick his dick into a burnt lopsided pastry, minutes before his housemate was due back from work was possibly the highlight of my month. Watching him run upstairs, boxers down, like an apple-sauce-covered penguin, when he heard the key in the door - the highlight of the year. I am not embarrassed to admit I think I weed myself a little bit.
Review: 5/5: Everyone must watch a man dangerwank with a dessert before they die.
My choice: Stealing Beauty
Bob's response to this suggestion was: "By no stretch of the imagination can I pretend you are a virgin." Which was rude. But he was up for shagging in a field so it was ok.
If you haven't seen this film, stop what you are doing immediately and watch it. Liv Tyler in a coming of age film, set in a remote Italian village, with lots of sleepy-eyed testosteroned fuelled farmhands running about. Brilliant. Sadly, outdoor sex in Berkshire, mid November is no match for midsummer in Florence. We went whole hog, setting up a little fire in a field near his parents house but had to keep the majority of our clothing on throughout which limited movement considerably. Tip: Wear a onesie.
Review: 5/5 I feel the weather was against us here and so am predicting full marks for when we execute it in the correct climate.
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