Help, I’m A Female Premature Ejaculator!
The Debrief: It’s not just blokes that are quick-sticks in the sack
Picture the scene: You’re in the throes of lovely lovely sex, you’ve got a few more miles in the tank, enjoying the ride, and uh oh, you hear those dreaded, premature words: 'I’m coming.' A funny little gasp and that’s the end of that. Game over. Sound familiar?
OMG, me too! Except I’m betting most women imagine the dude calling curtains on coitus.
For me, it’s a little different: I am a woman and a premature ejaculator.
Everyone who is having/has had sex knows the gorey details of premature ejaculation. Whether it’s a one-time thing after too many tequilas or a chronic problem that’s crippling your sex life, we’ve all experienced it in one way or another. In short – for all you blissfully ignorant folk - it’s when one half of the copulating couple climaxes uncontrollably early. What you may not know is that premature ejaculation is a sexual dysfunction that occurs in both sexes.
How odd then, that guys are publicly vilified for coming ‘too soon’ but girls are laughed off and told to enjoy all the orgasms they can get – they’re few and far between for women, don’tcha know? Doesn’t seem fair on either party, does it?
Blokes get so much bad press for quick sticks sex tekkers, whether from their mates over a pint, the media, popular culture or their SO’s. Undoubtedly the way guys are put down by societal reactions to this very real and upsetting sexual dysfunction is the pits, but at least their issues get press in the first place. Talking about sexual dysfunction leads to research, which leads to treatment, which is what the men now have in the form of creams and cognitive therapies.
Us girls? Well, it’s pretty bleak. Female premature orgasm is still so taboo it’s not discussed. Like, at all. There has only been one medical study done into why some girls are a little quick off the mark. This study, conducted in 2011, asked 510 women about the frequency of premature or uncontrollably early orgasm. Of those, 40 per cent had experienced an orgasm earlier than they'd desired at some point in their lives. Another 14 per cent reported frequent premature orgasms. These women have cases that could require clinical attention, Dr Carvalho who conducted the research told Live Science. Another 3.3 per cent met the criteria for having a dysfunction due to premature orgasms, Carvalho added.
Premature ejaculation is much less prolific in women than men: Studies show that 1 in 3 men have experienced PE at some point.
But still, the physical and emotional consequences - whether it’s a guy or a girl doing the speedy sprint to the finish line - are the same: Namely, feelings of inadequacy, guilt and general ickyness.
When I was younger, every time I slept with a new fella, there was a small part of me that wished he'd be a bit crap in bed so I wouldn’t orgasm with embarrassingly early gusto. Or I hoped that I'd managed to hook up with a tall, dark and handsome version of the Milky Bar Kid; the fastest shot in the west – so at the very least we’d climax at the same time.
I get collective questioning looks from my mates when I try to explain. ‘But I bet guys dig that,' one exclaims; 'You must freakin’ love sex,' laments another who, incidentally, is one of the many women who has never had an orgasm. And I get it. For most women, it sucks that men can't last as long in the sack. But what about us who fail to meet the stamina standards of the fairer sex? We are relegated to freak show status, shunned by our pals who have put up with years of sexual dissatisfaction and told that we should just deal because we’re lucky.
Actually I've occasionally found premature ejaculation both physically and mentally exhausting. And I’m not alone. A number of women have turned to online forums like Reddit for solutions to their problem. (Since when did Reddit become better at talking about medical issues than doctors, BTW?) For some women premature orgasm is incredibly embarrassing, disheartening and can even leave them in discomfort or pain after orgasm, destroying their sex drives and consequentially, their relationships.
Luckily, I am not one of them. It's not the guaranteed orgasm that bothers me. Frankly, I don't look a gift stallion in the mouth. What is really difficult about my tricksy tendency to come too early is the engulfing feeling of guilt.
Admittedly, girls do have it better than guys - we can keep going after numerous squealing orgasms and still get our rocks off from the remnants of the bonk while our partners finish. Most of my male conquests have not been phased by this (to my knowledge), and so my little problem has forcibly encouraged me to have happy, open and fulfilled sexcapades.
But every time I have reached climax before my unsuspecting partners, my heart sinks just a little. I’ve joked that ratios are terribly skewed in my favour (I have been know to climax four or five times during a short session) and found other ways to make emotional mends… All the while, knowing deep down that no relationship should ever be judged on the number of times you reach orgasm. Part of me still thinks sex should be about a give and take; pleasing the other person and revelling in both your enjoyment is pivotal in forming a bond between two people who’re doing the dance with no pants.
So, obviously, premature orgasm in both guys and gals can put a bit of a speed bump in the road to a dream hump. The countless studies and treatments available to guys are great. Us girls simply ask that due care and attention is paid to female sexual dysfunction too!
Until then, maybe the problem really lies in our obsession with numbers. In the same way we calorie count and put ourselves down if we overstep the mark, we also count orgasms and then proceed to measure our relationship’s success (and/or failure) by one numerical value. Really, we all know this is daft but considering the way female sexual dysfunction – and sexual dysfunction in general – is spoken about, tarnished with ridicule and embarrassment - who can really blame us for trying to adhere to unhealthy and damaging sex standards? Let’s not forget that sex is different for everyone. We all have quirks, fetishes, likes and dislikes, speeds, rhythms, moves, whatever. So really, we shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about the orgasms we’re having; the good, the bad, the ugly and the exceedingly quick.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Follow Francesca on Twitter @Francesca_Don
At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating