Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Monday, 26 October 2015

Pumpkin Butts, Zombie Shagging, And A Scream-Themed Gang Bang: We Went In Search Of Halloween Porn

Pumpkin Butts, Zombie Shagging, And A Scream-Themed Gang Bang: We Went In Search Of Halloween Porn

The Debrief: If you fancy twinning a quiet night in with a really good wank, there's plenty to keep you entertained this year on All Hallow’s Eve

When I was asked to write about Halloween-themed porn, my mind leapt straight to a film called Porn Shoot Massacre, recommended to me years ago because of my twin loves of porn and really gory horror. Unfortunately, the film doesn’t live up to the high expectations I had for it: I wanted tension, sex, and an eventual bloodbath in which at least 12 people died. Instead, I got two hours of grainy camera footage that started with a soapy shower scene and went rapidly downhill from there. I have no qualms about spoilers, because it was spoiled by the director long before I watched it, so I can tell you that, as with most horror films, pretty much all the women die and the scares come courtesy of a guy simply jumping out at the camera. 

That’s not to say that there’s no good Halloween porn out there. If you fancy twinning a quiet night in with a really good wank, there’s plenty to keep you entertained this year on All Hallows’ Eve. Just close the curtains, turn off the lights to deter trick-or-treaters, and check out some of this...

READ MORE: Porn For Women - The Definitive Guide 

Naturally, my first Halloween porn search was ‘guy fucking a pumpkin’, because I have always wanted to see this and it felt like my only chance to write it off as ‘research’ if someone stumbled across my browsing history. Sadly, I couldn’t find that exact thing, but I did discover a woman carving a pumpkin while having a cheeky wank, and a bizarre sexual game show that involved three women’s bottoms painted as pumpkins and a guy having sex with them, and then trying to guess which one was his girlfriend

At this point I must tell you that I am tediously moral about porn, and I don’t usually find things on free tube sites (because paying for porn supports the artists who make it). So if you like any of the stuff I’ve recommended here, please go to the sites mentioned in the credits and buy the full video. Or grab it on DVD, if you’re old-school. 

Talking of old-school, one of the things I learned on my hunt for hot Halloween porn is that when you ask people for porn with plot, most recommendations are pretty retro. A few people pointed me towards Pornogothic, which combines sexy female vampires with amazing ’90s hair, but which is ultimately a bit disappointing. Someone on IMDB has reviewed it, devastatingly, as ‘good enough’, so I’m forced to imagine them frantically rubbing one out as they grimly mutter, “This will do. This. Will. Do.” In a similar bloodthirsty vein (get it?) Les Vampyres 2 is also quite ’90s, and features women hungry for blood as well as cock. It’s slightly more energetic on the sex front, but still not awesome in my opinion. I was also recommended Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre – a porn parody that skewers horror tropes as well as... umm... people (in more ways than one). 

Let’s see what modern porn producers can come up with: as a BDSM fan, I personally enjoy Dreams of Spanking’s occasional forays. Victorian Ghost Story is up on Clips4Sale, and it’s a deliciously atmospheric vignette that involves a lot of pretty harsh caning and some gorgeous women in nighties squealing, just like the old-school black and white horror flicks. 

If you’re after something more hardcore, the obvious place to go is Kink.com. Not only are they renowned for extreme BDSM, they are also so into horror that each year around Halloween they turn their porn studios into a gigantic sex-themed haunted house. You don’t have to fly all the way to the US, though – Kink.com has some Halloween-themed porn that you can enjoy in the comfort of your own home. For instance, a Halloween gang-bang in which all the dudes are wearing Scream masks. Way less cheesy than some of the retro porn above, and it’s pretty hot if, like me, you like the anonymous-shag thing. 

If armies of the undead float your boat, you’re in luck, because there is no end to zombie-themed porn. On my travels I found a brilliantly atmospheric amateur shoot in which a hungry zombie practically eats a dude after he raises her from the dead. At the stranger end of the scale, I also found a lovingly crafted 3D animation of a princess getting spitroasted by two zombies. The Kink.com branch Electrosluts has a pretty cool scene in which zombie nurses are hungry for orgasms, and their victim has to give as many as it takes to get them sated. Unfortunately, the tiny pedant living in my head can’t help but shout, ‘Zombies don’t want cum, though, they want braaaaains!’

Far truer to the zombie canon (although still not very accurate because it’s porn, obviously) is World War XXX – an apocalyptic series in which a group of survivors aim to escape zombies while also shagging as much as is humanly possible. They shag so much, in fact, that the actual zombies only feature for about five minutes each episode. Only in episode 2 do we start to knuckle down to the real nitty-gritty of zombie survival: ‘I have to check and see if you’re bitten. On the tits.’

If you want something modern that has both cock and plot, then you can’t go wrong with League Of Frankenstein. The premise is that Victor Frankenstein opens a portal to Neverland, at the behest of a now very-grown-up Peter Pan and Wendy. They accidentally release a sexy female Hook and Tinkerbell from the portal, and the whole thing gets more bizarre from there. It’s a series produced by Digital Playground, and if you’re into having your childhood stories quite literally spunked on, it’s definitely the show for you. For example, in episode one we see Wendy whispering, ‘Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts,’ as she wanks Peter Pan off, and when she finally manages to get him to come on her face, the resulting happiness causes him to fly. Disney, eat your heart out. It’s not exactly scary horror, but it certainly involves a lot of dress-up, and if you’re into vampires then you’ll enjoy episode two, when a sexy female Van Helsing shows up along with Alice in Wonderland, and they shag and kill their way through a selection of the cast.

New rules around porn mean that things like fisting, facesitting, caning and blood are now banned in UK porn. While indie production Ban This Sick Filth isn’t technically a horror film, it does show just how scary porn censorship is getting, and it includes a pretty amazing scene which involves menstrual masturbation, and a hell of a lot of blood. As far as the law goes, fake blood is OK if it’s obviously fake, so your zombie-horde-gang-bang fantasies are safe for now, but vampire fisting, Frankenstein face-sitting, and a whole bunch of other things are off the table. 

Finally, I’m going to end on a couple of things for those who prefer their porn written rather than filmed. The site Gromets Plaza runs a Halloween porn story competition each year, and the archive is full of weird and wonderful offerings. For starters, how about a sexy woman getting eaten by a giant worm? Or two people getting ensnared and eaten by actual spiders? If those aren’t unusual enough for you, then please enjoy the final link because it is the strangest porn I have ever seen. I don’t mind admitting that I found it weirdly arousing, despite it involving no human participants whatsoever – never before have I felt the same strange sensations when someone mentions ‘suction cups’. Apparently, the most notorious Harry Potter slashfic story ever written, it features Hogwarts Castle getting weirdly, tentacley sexed by the squid that lives in the lake.

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Tags: Porn