Geordie Shore’s Guys Must Learn That Sex Isn’t A Right
The Debrief: It's time for Gaz Beadle et al to have a sit down and think about what sex really means to them
You know that first scene of Fleabag, when the no-named slob protagonist - let’s call her Fleabag - posits a situation where you get a text from a guy at 2am on a Tuesday, so ’you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt, the whole bit, and wait by the door until the buzzer goes?’
Well, there’s a reason the scene has drawn young women into its thrall as vigorously that tall, dark and handsome charmer so many of us have got a 3am text from.
Because so many of us fall over ourselves, primping and preening, making our bodies, behaviour and surrounds desirable enough to fuck. When approaching late night, boozed up sex, we have the capacity to look for what we want, but it’s normally within the confines of what our potential other half might want.
Well, not much sympathy from the lads over at Geordie Shore. Because, thanks to MTV producers, the poor guys are getting blue balls waiting for their chosen conquest of the night to jump through a bunch of administrative hoops.
‘They have to have a passport for ID,’ Aaron Chalmers told the Daily Star: ‘And they’ve got to go and film a video to agree they are probably going to have sex. Then they have to sign a form. And then it takes them an hour or so to sober up before they can actually meet us.’
There’s a reason why a shag with a Geordie Shore involves as much paperwork as a new parking permit. These things are obstacles, you see, to sleeping with a guy while being filmed with a night-camera, for the world to see. To anyone uninitiated in the joys of Geordie Shore, this really does mean sex, normally under a duvet, filmed specifically for the show, where the scene will be intercut with the Geordie Shore star (shagging one doesn’t get you a name credit, FYI) narrating the act. So it makes sense that MTV take specific measures to ensure that they don't film drunk and/or underage girls having sex.
While Aaron admits this sort of admin is a good idea - ‘You don’t want to get caught out. You’d have some parent ringing up and complaining. That would be awful,’ - this rationale seems slippier than a lipgloss-and-Jagerbomb snog. Because, while no-one wants to get an earful from someone’s parent, there are a few things worse than being told off. To pluck one at random: being exploited on television when you’re drunk, or underage, or both? Those things would be quite bad too, wouldn’t they? They’d probably be bad even if the girl wasn’t going to be on TV, right?
To give the Geordie Shore boys their dues, they too spend hours of their lives making themselves look desirable; at the gym, at the tanning salon, under the tattooist’s needle. But, just like Fleabag, the world’s most detestable TV character, the preparation is all cosmetic. Could it be that the boys are reluctant to admit that sex should take thoughtful consideration and that people should know, in advance, what they could be signing up for? That people should be making a sober decision about their sexual pleasure?
Gaz Beadle once recently grumbled in his Daily Star column that women who come by too easily put him off. ‘I'm like fuck sake, at least make it a bit of a challenge, at least make me wait until the third or fourth date. You could have been Mrs Gary Beadle but you just let me bang you after meeting you four hours ago.’
Yet on Geordie Shore’s admin-as-foreplay rules, he seems to have found his solution: ‘It’s a lot harder to sleep with a girl when we’re filming. It’s not as easy as pulling a girl on a normal night out.’
Isn’t that what you want, Gary? Easier sex? Or do you want it difficult again? Or do you want it just so, like Goldilocks’ fabled porridge? Perhaps it’s time to have a sit down and think about what sex actually means to you.
It matters because recent discussions about the sort of boozed-up sex happening after Great British Friday and Saturday nights out should be forming a watershed. We’ve been talking about sex where the woman is asked ‘are you gonna suck this cock then?’, sex where voyeurs are invited to look on, sex where the woman is so drunk she wakes up the next day with no recollection of the event.
But why is the bar set so low?
As a country we still have far to go. One nice step forward would be if the boys from Geordie Shore, a programme that’s been watched by over a million, mostly young, people, could lead by example and not act so entitled to a shag.
A lot of things come easy to these guys - the fame, the invites to launches of dating apps and energy drinks, the personal appearances at provincial Tiger Tigers, the sponsorship deals flogging powdered protein supplements. But why should that include girls on film?
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