Eight Surprising Things I Learnt From Male Strippers
The Debrief: Real-life Magic Mikes reveal all about shit-faced chicks & enhancing their dicks
Did the new Magic Mike XXL movie have you salivating more than a dozen of Pavlov’s dogs listening to Big Ben’s midday bongs?
If so, you might want to book a ticket to see Adonis Cabaret: ‘the leading firm in the world of male stripping’ (‘firm’ being the operative word). Their Full Monty shows combine raw sex (does anybody ever have cooked sex?!) with a very British sense of humour: think butt-naked dudes playing the piano with their plonkers and routines involving MN8 songs and Lidl carrier bags.
What happens on stage is unashamedly cheesy and proudly outrageous – but it’s what goes on behind the scenes that’ll really make your jaw hit the floor. I spoke to four Adonis Cabaret hunks and got them to lay bare (heh) their craziest tales.
Male strippers have inventive (and painful) ways of making their willies look bigger
Tristan Tristar founded Adonis Cabaret 19 years ago. ‘Back then, guys would grab a copy of Razzle, or some other porn mag, and have a quick wank backstage to make sure their willies looked impressively plump,’ he reveals. ‘These days, a lot of blokes rely on penis pumps, using strong suction on their sausages to make them look bigger.’
He says: ‘However, once you’ve pumped your peen up, you need to make sure it remains that way for the duration of the show by “tying off”: stopping the blood from flowing out of your engorged willy, so it stays looking bigger for longer.
‘Some strippers do this by stretching a cock ring tightly around the base of the penis and underneath their balls,’ he says. ‘This also pushes their whole package forwards, so their junk looks more weighty inside their trunks. But if you’re getting 100% naked like Adonis boys do, you need something that can’t be seen, so some dudes tie a thin piece of elastic or rubber tape around the bottom of their todgers to keep the bloodflow in there instead.’
He adds: ‘Back in the 80s, I used to wrap my Old Man with flesh-coloured bias binding – the stuff you use to hem curtains,’ Tristan winces. ‘I’d wet it, wind it round my willy, then it would tighten as it dried, and look almost invisible. But one night, the drag queen presenter introducing my performance waffled on for 20 minutes longer than normal. I thought my bits were going to turn blue and fall off by the time I got on stage. If you’re not careful, tying off can make your knob go very numb, especially if you’re doing several shows a night.’
Marshall Arkley, a 28-year-old bodybuilder who performs with Adonis in London, says: ‘It’s hard to maintain an erection when you’re doing backflips and complex dance routines for half an hour, so you can’t use Viagra. I once tried Tristan’s old-school wrapping technique, and it was excruciating – plus, you have to be careful not to trap any skin or you can get a blood blister that could pop over the audience.’
Note: For purely journalistic reasons, The Debrief had a close look at Marshall’s meatstick IRL, and can confirm that it has about the same dimensions as a Pringles can. Seriously – it’s like a bollard. He’s a living aubergine emojii.
They also have nifty tricks to handle out-of-control audience members who’ve had too much to drink
It’s common for Adonis strippers to get brides-to-be or birthday girls up on stage to give them a personal lapdance. But often, women are in such high spirits – or have downed so many spirits – that they don’t want to leave once the dance is done.
Tristan’s favourite way to deal with an overenthusiastic/overenbooozed-and-plastered female is to slide his hands sensually down her hips, grip the sides of her knickers… and then pull them up to give her a wedgie.
‘The crowd think it’s hilarious and all part of the flirtatious fun,’ he winks. ‘But you can actually steer someone safely back to their seat very effectively when you’re leading them by the pants.’
Britain’s got talons…
Richard Joker has been going about in his birthday suit for two decades, and his story is infamous within the industry.
‘A woman tried to rip off my G-string and one of her false nails actually tore into my testicles,’ he recalls. ‘I had to have the acrylic fingernail surgically removed and get my sack stitched back up in A&E.’
HOLY WANGBANGLES, THAT IS FUCKING GRIM.
The oldies are the worst, apparently
‘I find the older ladies are the worst for trying to tug at my tackle while I’m dancing,’ Marshall says.
‘One of my stripping routines involves me being completely starkers and soaked with water, with a Union Jack flag draped over my family jewels. On one occasion, an OAP in the audience, who was well into her 70s, shuffled towards me with her walking frame, jammed her hand under the fabric, and grabbed my bits in her fist. She gripped like a vice. I had to pry her off my penis. Actually terrifying.’
Hens + peckers = things can get nuts.
Twnty-seven-year-old model and stripper Shane Tyler says: ‘I’ve seen a different side to some women in this job. Some of them seem to think that because you’re performing for them, they have a right to grab your crotch or touch you however they like, even when you’re off duty and trying to chill with your mates after a show.
‘I do wonder what would happen if a man tried to do that to a female dancer. I’ve heard shocking things from ladies about to get married, who try to get strippers to sleep with them, proclaiming that their soon-to-be husbands are probably out shagging prostitutes anyway. The lack of trust can be depressing.’
(This insight would be more saddening if Shane’s pet African grey parrot hadn’t been shouting obscene phrases in an Irish accent and imitating vintage Nokia ringtones throughout our interview.)
Sometimes shows get too hot to handle (literally)
Richard was once stripping for a crowd of 300 ladies in Brighton when a fire started in the venue’s kitchens.
‘Rather than panic a huge room full of very pissed, very hyper chicks by getting them to formally evacuate, I led them all in a giant conga line out to the beach,’ he says. ‘They thought it was part of the show. I was there waggling about along the sand, wearing nothing but a flourescent banana hammock, followed by hundreds of inebriated lasses, while firemen extinguished the flames.’
Strippers also have jobs that don’t involve their knobs
When not getting his pipe out for the gals, Shane is training to be a plumber. Marshall is a personal trainer, competes in bodybuilding competitions and models for an ‘erotic underwear company’ called SUKREW (Google their ‘U Trunks for goolies encased in baffling lycra fandanglement). He’s also sponsored by exotic meat vendor Wildefeast, who sell a hamper named ‘Marshall’s Well Hung Meat Package’.
Appropriately enough, it contains horse.
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