Common Whatsapp Sexting Mistakes We All Make
The Debrief: Never respond to a serious sex selfie with a prawn emoji
Leaking information that you'd rather be kept private is an everyday battle with social media bringing the world to our fingertips. Whether it's a calculated tweet that seemed great at the time that you later regretted, or an accidental fingerslip kiss whilst emailing your boss, mistakes are easily made and less easily forgotten.
When it comes to sexting, we play a very dangerous game. Dirty talk in verbal form is dangerous enough as it is; the lines between raunchy, inappropriate and actually illegal so blurred. Luckily, when whispering something which vastly oversteps the mark in your partners ear, only he will hear it. You will immediately be aware of his total revulsion and will be able to profusely apologise afterwards - explaining how it just 'slipped out.'
Not the case with sexting. With no tonal hints, facial expressions and the risk of your chats being intercepted at any point - you flirt with a myriad of possible mistakes.
Here's a few things of which to be particularly wary of from our all time favourite sexting medium: What'sApp.
1. Messaging a different thread
The number one sexter fear. The fact that the Group admin name is sometimes the only one that appears makes for easy confusion. Should the group admin for your church choir be your sext-buddy - props on being a kinky christian but be wary! Any threads sitting directly underneath your sexy thread are HIGH RISK. If you have wide thumbs like Jessica, 29, who has sexted basically everyone on her contact list, it may be worth purchasing a stylus.
2. Drunk access - to EVERYONE
When drunk, your brain function dwindles to allow only the most basic of survival skills - which is why we get a cheeseburger (eat) find home (shelter) and pass out (sleep) Fiona, 28, proudly boasts that she has added 'stay off phone' to this list. When paralytic, she no longer scrolls endlessly through her contacts like a booty call catalogue, intending to, at once, begin and end conversations with men from her sexual history. Realise that this is a rare and exceptional skill you probably don't have and be cautious of the extended contact list Whatsapp provides.
3. Notification Settings
Isn't it just wonderful that despite having a lock on your phone, supposedly to protect the privacy of your messages, that notifications still have the audacity to pop through the lock screen for every eye to see? Is it handy that we don't have to go through the password ordeal to see our recent messages? Yes. Is it embarrassing that your mother now knows you are planning to be rimmed after eating her Sunday roast? Yes.
4. Automatic Photo Saving
I'm sure the techie geeks at Whatsapp awarded themselves super-boff cred for suggesting the automatic photo gallery save. 'It'll be great!' said Wayne of WhatsApp 'Their phone storage will be entirely stocked with pictures of their friend's babies! And Tinder dates! And motivational messages!'... 'No, Wayne, it means you accidentally show your granny photos of your boyfriend's erect penis whilst showing her her 90th birthday photos.'
5. Voice recordings
It's great that WhatsApp voice clips are so easy to record and send - one press, hold and release. Not so great if you're the girl I know who received an accidental voice message from the guy she was dating/sexting saying to his housemate 'Luce (her sister) is definitely hotter than Clau (her), but she'll do for now I guess' I was a little sus upon hearing this, as it sounds too unfortunate to be real, but after having a tinker with WhatsApp, one can see it's a totally doable mistake. That poor poor woman.
6. Leaving yourself open to a prankster
Some clots still think phone/facebook-status pranks are funny. One loo trip and your status is suddenly 'Feeling blessed - so in love with life I'm crying tears of sentimental joy.' Or 'just laid a yuletide log (a personal Christmas 2014 work highlight for me...)' Don't put it past these people to switch your boyfriend's WhatsApp contact for their own number and initiate passionate sexting for the purpose of showing the entire office. Make sure your boyf references your chats in person or it might be Gazza from IT.
7. Obscure emoticons
What'sApp must be lauded for it's diverse emoticon library but no one wants a prawn emoji popping up after a serious sex selfie it took you an hour locked in your bathroom to compose.
8. Tread carefully
When it comes to the actual sexting, for the love of god, gauge you're audience. If you have long term hopes for this guy and haven't known them very long, don't jump in with 'strap you in a massive dildo and force you to peg me whilst I clamp my own nipples with bulldog clips' when all he said was 'What do you want me to do with you?'
9. Slow and steady wins the race
Be aware of the time delay and pay heed to the all powerful double blue tick. You must see blue to get to the next level. If you get ahead of yourself, already imagining him lathered in baby oil when he's still untying his shoelaces, you'll get yourself into a sext hole a JCB won't get you out of.
WhatsApp is NOT Snapchat! If your sext chat is borderline grim on the dirt front - USE SNAPCHAT. That's what the perverted little app designers created it for, after all.
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At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating