Alex Roberts | Contributing Writer | Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Behind The Scenes Of One Man\\\\\\\'s BDSM Sex Life

BDSM Involves A Surprising Amount Of Life Admin

The Debrief: I don’t mean admin in the weird, 50 Shades of Grey 'sign this contract' sense, either. I mean the dull, repetitive admin that comes from organising a camping holiday in the New Forest.

When someone says BDSM, it’s easy for the mind to immediately picture some leather-clad amazon grinding her boot into a squirming guy’s chest, or a scowling Mills and Boon hunk carefully selecting a thick, leather strap while his sub trembles with downcast eyes. It’s sexy. It’s naughty. It’s charged with adrenaline and pain and lust. It’s certainly not something where two people sit in a pub while one says to the other “For god’s sake be careful when playing with my arse. If I get another UTI I’ll fucking kill you.”

Except it is.

I’ve been an active Dom with multiple partners for a few years now, and the one thing I never expected was how much goddamn admin was involved in beating someone up for mutual pleasure. I don’t mean admin in the weird, 50 Shades of Grey 'sign this contract' sense, either. I mean the dull, repetitive admin that comes from organising a camping holiday in the New Forest.

A D/s scene can be incredibly sexy, but it seems that the hotter the scene, the more mundane the preparation beforehand. Lists are needed. Failing to take account of tiny details can lead to all sorts of decidedly unsexy fuss. For example, what do you call each other in a scene when you’re playing for the first time? If you don’t sit down with your partner and work this out beforehand, you could easily end up umm-ing and ahh-ing like two people at a party who met a while ago, but can’t quite remember each other’s name.

Once that box is ticked, you need to work out exactly what each person wants from it all. This is fairly easy for couples who start to explore their kinkier sides, as they will tend to have a good insight about what the other person would like, but if you’ve found out that a friend’s all mucky and you both want to play with each other, prepare to have some of the strangest conversations of your entire life. You can’t just wade into a scene, swinging a stick like Saint Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland. You need to calmly and frankly talk to each other about what exactly it is that you’re into, and what you’d like to try.

This requires a huge amount of trust in the other partner (as does every aspect of BDSM, of course) and the ability to talk about filthy and sexy things like you’re discussing the soup of the day with a friendly waiter. Society simply doesn’t equip you with the tools needed to calmly look someone in the eye and say “I’d like to slap your tits until they bruise. Where do you stand on that?” On the plus side, it does make you a better communicator. Once you’ve negotiated a scene involving throatfucking and fisting (though hopefully not at the same time unless one of you is really bendy), difficult conversations at work suddenly become a lot less frightening.

The bother continues further if one or both of you happens to be in a pre-existing relationship already. Preparing a scene suddenly becomes a huge, multi-part negotiation, like the Star Wars prequels but with butt stuff instead of trade disputes. Each non-play partner has to be kept informed and given a veto. Obviously this varies from couple to couple, but a person who might not mind their partner being beaten with a belt may well draw the line at them being fucked and beaten. 

Once you’ve talked everything through and made your list (Lube✔, agreed names✔, belt✔, butt plug✔, wet wipes✔, Muppets movie to watch as aftercare✔, and so on), you still need to find a place to actually play in. Of course, there are always dungeons to rent or hotel rooms to book, but who has that sort of money to be frittered away on a couple of hours of kink? Using someone’s flat is the cheapest approach, but that can be a nightmare in itself, especially if your housemates aren’t the sort that would take too kindly to hearing thuds and screams through the walls on an otherwise quiet Sunday afternoon.

Let’s say you’ve finally done all this. You and your partner have collapsed together in a tangle of sweat and bruises and satisfaction, and all is right in the world. Like the aftermath of an office away-day, it’s time to go through what you’ve learned, and how you can improve. Chatting through a scene a couple of days later is an excellent way to work out what you enjoyed, and what bits need work. Any kind of fetish play is only fun when you’re both enjoying it, so once again it’s back to the pub to see what can be done better next time.

Even when you've done all of this – when you've had your awkward talks and your spectacularly filthy sex – it still doesn't end. Like all good relationships, kink involves constant openness, hard work, and communication. Like all good relationships, it's totally worth it. 

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Tags: Sex