Girl On The Net | Contributing Writer | Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Audio porn is officially a thing so we went on the hunt for the hottest (you\\\'re welcome) --- Illustration by Martyna Wojcik

Audio porn Is A Thing So We Went On The Hunt For The Hottest (You're Welcome)

The Debrief: All the best audio porn, and where to find it...

Porn is better if the people in it make noises. I'd like to tell you that this is a personal preference, but so many people have strenuously agreed with me when I've said it that I'm instead going to pretend it's a FACT. If you're a fan of those moaning sexy noises, or having your partner talk dirty to you when the lights are off and you're snuggled up in bed, then I'm delighted to tell you that audio porn is officially A Thing. 

Audio porn – like all great porn – comes in a variety of different styles: sexy stories read aloud, people talking to you directly like they're naked in your bedroom, and some which is more more literal and direct – sound clips of people shagging, and making all the noises you wouldn't want your housemates to overhear.

Voiceover artist Jonathan Keith records audio erotica - have a cheeky listen to a sample here. He explained to me what makes aural stimulation different from your average YouPorn clip: 

'With film, you might be focused on one specific element of the picture, but your peripheral vision is picking up a whole lot of other additional information which your brain is using to create a more complete image, not to mention the fact that there’s a soundtrack playing at the same time. 

'With audio, especially if you’re listening through headphones, you have a voice, and nothing else. It’s great because it means that as a listener you are absolutely focused on that voice and what it’s telling you.'

Nobilis Reed, creator of the 'longest running erotica podcast in the known universe', loves the intimacy value too: 

'One of the great things about listening, not only to erotica but to any other genre, is to be able to do it in a wide variety of places and still be fairly private. When you're watching visual porn, it's out there on the screen, but when you're listening to it the voices are right there in your head.'

Where can I find great audio porn?

If you're after pure sex noises, head to Audible Porn. It's a Tumblr blog of user-submitted audio clips, and a tour around it feels like listening through a wall while your hot neighbours get it on next door. Only, you know, not totally creepy and weird. 

My personal favourites are the ones which include guys having a lovely wank, because in my experience it's rare to hear guys truly let go at the point of orgasm. I have a theory that somewhere there's an amazing alternative universe in which men have not been raised to believe that showing you enjoy yourself means you lose cool points. If you also wish some dudes would make more noise when they're popping their cork, I can thoroughly recommend the Audible Porn track 'Boy moan.' 

If you're into girls, there's plenty for you too. Hear Me Explore Me is a Tumblr blog curated by a lady who loves the sound of her own voice, cracking sexily as she reaches another climax. It's a great mix of solo audio tracks and ones recorded with her partner, with the kind of no-nonsense descriptions ('Pillow Humping') that mean it's easy to find what you like. 

You might also like to have a crack at the excellent Reddit board /r/gonewildaudio – again, there's a mixture of solo guy, solo girl, and couple audio tracks. There's also quite a lot of stuff that's like direct dirty talk – a narrator (usually a woman) talks dirty to you like you're in bed with her. Most notably at the time of writing, a thread that's temptingly titled 'Sleepy Giggle Fuck', in which a mysterious Miss Kitten tells off the guy who's listening for poking her with his erection when she's too tired to shag. 

Jonathan explains that this kind of direct sexy chat works especially well via audio: 

'With audio erotica, you can form your own mental image of the person who's telling you exactly what they're going to do to you, and that image is probably a far better fit to what you personally find super-hot than either a performer in a video or someone else's description.'

So how do you pick the stories that work? Nobilis describes his own podcast as niche, because he focuses on science fiction erotica, but the most important thing for him is choosing highly personal stories: There needs to be a deep emotional context to thpodcast serial called 'Alive.'

If that's whet your appetite, and you fancy more X-rated bedtime stories, check out the podcast For Adults Only - amazing, imaginative scenarios. The first story I listened to was about a lady trained in Jiu Jitsu roughly dominating two American cops, from there I went to a cigar club for some dirty sex in the toilets, and to Paris for a shag that worked its way through a bunch of food items that you'd be surprised anyone ever thought to have sex with. It's startlingly varied, and I challenge you to spend a bit of time on that site and not find something you love. 

While some people who are more visually-inclined might be sceptical of audio porn, there are lots of possibilities with the medium that'd be impossible (or at least difficult) to do in a film. Aussie site (at least I assume it is from the accents) Sonic Erotica includes a fair few stories in which the characters narrate their inner monologues: talking about why and how they're horny, and the fantasies they want to fulfil. If this happened in a porn film it'd probably look a bit weird: the main characters rarely turn to camera and perform a touching sex soliloquy. But in audio porn it works perfectly – it's as if you've been let inside someone's head, and allowed to have a good old rummage in the thoughts they wouldn't usually voice aloud. My favourite example of this is The Bridge, which besides being pretty damn horny also includes my favourite porn line ever: 

'I wanted a man inside me, but I didn't want to deal with his bullshit.' 

If there's a better way to sum up a lovely afternoon spent enjoying a bit of 'alone time,' then I have yet to hear it. 

Liked this? You might also be interested in: 

Periscope Porn Has Inevitably Arrived. But Is It Any Good?

Why The Rise Of GIF Porn Actually Makes Perfect Sense 

Five Porn Star Memoirs You Need To Read 

 

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Illustration by Martyna Wojcik

Tags: Sex, Sex O\'Clock, Sex And Tech, Porn