Jess Commons | Deputy Editor | Tuesday, 26 May 2015

All The Worst Things Guys Have Said To Girls After Sex

All The Worst Things Guys Have Said To Girls After Sex

The Debrief: Including (but certainly not limited to) 'Snape, Snape, Severus Snape, DUMBLEDORE'. Yep.

Thought you'd had some awkward sexual experiences? Hell, who hasn't? Thanks then to this Reddit thread for revealing that whatever we thought was bad was nowhere near as bad as it could have been. Here's the worst things that guys have said to girls after sex.

This guy. Who should know that some things are better left unsaid

'Do you think I should wipe my butt better? Could you smell it? I figured since we were naked you maybe could.'

This guy. Who might be my soulmate

'We had just been watching those Harry Potter puppets on YouTube beforehand, and he gets my lady bits and starts singing "snape, snape, Severus snape, DUMBLEDORE"'

This guy. Who probably wished he'd said nothing at all

'He went a little too far choking me and I blacked out for a couple seconds. It was okay, whatever we got over it, we laughed about it. But then when we were finished he said "even if you died just there I wouldnt have stopped fucking your body till i was finished" ....... ................ .... Ok'

This guy. Who probably caused life long issues

'After giving me oral (fresh out of the shower): "Wow, that's gross, I'm never doing that again!"'

This guy. Who is clearly a professional foodie

'Now you are like my favourite biscuits. cream filled.'

This guy. Who might want to check his judgement at the door

'Have you ever thought about shaving your butt hair?'

This guy. Who might not be as good in bed as he thinks

'I once dated a guy who would ask me how many times I came after shoving three dry fingers into my virgin vagina. Zero. Zero is the answer to that.'

This guy. Who is the actual best

'My shirt came off and he remarked "the Mounds of Sheba!"'

This guy. Who can fuck right off

'I'm really not that into black girls usually. I mean, let's be honest: I'm probably just attracted to your white half.'

This guy. Who can also fuck off

'I'd hooked up with this guy a few times. I gave him a blowjob, I swallowed, assuming at this point, we're kinda close. No big deal. IMMEDIATELY after I swallowed, he looked at me and said, "That's disgusting".

I told him that was the worst possible thing he could say to a woman that just generously serviced him, and sent him out of my apartment before he even put his socks on.'

This guy. Who's really into Babe

'That'll do pig, that'll do.'

This guy. Who really needs to learn about comedic pauses

'The moment we finish "I wish I was a girl." awkward pause "so I can do that again."'

This guy. Who's at least patriotic

'The first time I had sex with my ex he said "this is what happens when you mess with a German". I never had the heart to tell him that he sucked in bed and that I had to do all the work for the first few months.'

This guy. Who might have some deep rooted family issues

'He was looking at me and said "You know, I wanted to keep doing this regularly but you reeeeeally look alot like my sister.. I know that is so creepy and I'm sorry.. pause I'm sure we could work around it though."'

This guy. Who is actually a real person that thought this was a good idea

'He wrote a song saying that "we did things that newly weds did" I gagged.'

This guy. Who might need a lawyer

'As he ejaculated he shouted "THR BODIES ARE BURIED UNDER THE OVERPASS"'

This guy. Who sounds like awesome wife material

'I met my boyfriend at some bad college Halloween party. We both got drunk and I ended up at his place and we ended up banging. While he was coming he shouted, "cowabunga" loud enough to wake up his housemates.

He got a me a teenange mutant ninja turtle cup that says cowabunga on it a month later. I love that man.'

Like this? You might also be interested in: 

Failsafe Porn To Watch With New Boyfriends

Is Our Obsession With Big Dicks Just Body Shaming By Another Name? 

Stupid Questions You Get Asked About Sex When You're Bisexual

 Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

Tags: Sex, Relationships