All The Weirdest Things People Have Ever Masturbated With
The Debrief: The strangest items guys & gals have used to tease the weasel and jerk the gherkin
What do you use to buff your muff, pet your pussy, flick your bean, pedicure your camel toe, or tease your pink taco?! Your fingers? A vibrator? Or something more… DIY?
Ann Summers recently quizzed 4,000 Brits about their masturbatory habits, and found that 45% had improvised by using everyday objects instead of sex toys to frig themselves off. Of these, 52% said they’d used a vegetable as an alternative dildo; 20% had clubbed their clam with a home appliance; 10% had used a kitchen utensil; and 8% had stoked the fire down below with a candle.
Intrigued, I asked a bunch of folks what the oddest things are that they’ve ever stroked or poked themselves with for pleasure – whether as ingeniously inventive youngsters who didn’t have access to purpose-built sex toys, or as adults acting on the spur(t) of the moment. Here are their answers…
The Shaw-Wank Redemption
‘Back when we were still at school, my mate went round to a male classmate’s house to hang out after lessons were over. In some unfathomable display of candour, this lad decided to take my pal into his bedroom and show off the elaborate wanking apparatus he’d set up there. He’d spent days slowly hollowing out a penis-size hole in his foam mattress – like Andy Dufresne hacking through the walls of his prison cell with a rock hammer in The Shawshank Redemption – and he explained how he liked to stick his wang in there and fuck the bed.
‘He’d even placed a Tuppaware sandwich box beneath the mattress to catch any spooge residue that soaked through.’
The Melon Head
‘When I was a teenager, I heard that a good way to simulate getting a blow job was to cut a hole in a juicy watermelon, then hold it between your hands as though it was a girl’s head, poke your peen inside it and thrust it up and down on your crotch. I gave it a go a couple of times, and I must admit it felt pretty good – although afterwards you’re left with a sodding massive melon full of spunk, which provokes a lot of awkward, baffled questions when your mum asks why her usually anti-fruit-’n’-veg-eating son has been begging her for weeks to buy watermelons only to smash them up and chuck them in the bin.
‘I once tried to heat a melon up in the microwave, to make it warmer and more lifelike, but I couldn’t get the door closed because it was too huge. Probably a blessing, because my best mate microwaved one and it exploded all over the kitchen.’
Tony Pork’s Pro-Masturbator 3
‘I’ve never confessed this to anyone before, but I effectively built my own sex toy as a kid. I had a PlayStation 2 games console, with a supremely powerful ‘rumble pack’ built into the DualShock 2 controller, which shook and vibrated when you carried out certain actions on screen, like crashing cars or firing guns.
‘In the game Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3, completing a ‘grind’ on your skateboard sent the controller into vibe overdrive for just a brief second. But there was also a level that let you build your own skate park and test it out. I worked out that if I constructed a circular grinding rail, I could ride around it infinitely, keeping the vibrations going for as long as I wanted. The controller’s shape, too, meant that I could rest my bollocks in the middle of it and slide the two paddles either side of my ballsack, letting them buzz against my shaft and taint at the same time.
‘I can’t remember whether I ever completed the game, but I definitely “finished” plenty of times.’
‘I’ll never forget a bunch of guys having a sex chat in the sixth form common room, and one of them revealing that he’d tried to replicate the warm, wet feeling of vaginal sex by hollowing out a cucumber, filling it with instant mashed potato, and shagging it. Sadly, I’m not in touch with him any more so I can’t ask him how his vegetable-based Fleshlight compared to a real life woman – although it did bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “tossing the salad”.’
The Tush Brush
‘I’ve recently discovered the thrills of prostate stimulation, and how great it feels when my wife slips a finger up my ass just before I ejaculate during sex. Wanting to mirror this sensation while jacking off in the bathroom on my own lately, I grabbed the nearest finger-sized item and slid it up my butthole moments before climaxing. After the deed was done, I realised I’d used the bulbous, easy-grip handle of my little girl’s Monsters Inc. toothbrush. Needless to say, I bought her a new one.’
‘My sex life went through a dry patch a few years ago, when I was in a long-term relationship with a bisexual woman who became an increasingly lesbiany lesbian and wanted nothing to do with my penis. In an attempt to satisfy myself, I secretly tried wanking off with a variety of mock vaginas made from all sorts of things, the weirdest one probably being a lubed-up banana skin. A banana slit, if you will.’
The Really Offal One
‘At my boarding school, a prefect got caught boffing off into a glass jam jar filled with slices of raw liver. A cleaner option was to place two warm, wet, soapy sponges on top of each other, jam them under a loo seat, then thrust your dick between them. The lather would feel nice, you’d get some hard-to-find privacy in the toilet cubicle, and you’d neatly shoot your load directly into the toilet bowl, ready to be flushed away.’
The Really Sketchy One
‘I made my willy hole bleed once by shoving a pencil up it.’
The Cuntberland Sausage
‘I’ve got an amazing story about a mate who, in her youth, tried pleasuring herself with a frozen sausage. It stuck to the inside of her vagina – like when you try to lick something really cold and your tongue freezes to it – so she called her dad to help her remove it. HER DAD!
‘He was a doctor, but still – I’d have asked Abu Hamza to fish a sausage out of my foof before I asked my father. Her pa ran a warm bath to help speed up the defrosting process. I don’t think he was phased. The same lass had already called on him to assist her the previous year, when she’d got the lid of a can of Impulse body spray jammed up her chuff.’
The Vagic Marker
‘I used to date a creative hippie-type girl who’d been into arts and crafts all her life. She told me how when she was an adolescent and first exploring ‘the tickles down below’, as she called them, she experimented by using the rubber on the end of an HB pencil to tease her clitoris. Things escalated quickly from there, and she started to test her entire pencil case on herself, pretty much sliding any item of stationary into any orifice as long as it wasn’t ‘too sharp or too thick’.
‘When I was with her, she’d still occasionally poke a magic marker into her anus while we were having sex, if she’d left her butt plug at home.’
‘When I was first learning about my own orgasm in early adolescence, I used to massage my clit with a hairbrush – not a scratchy type, but one of those with a nobbly plastic bobble on the end of each bristle. I also really liked stroking my labia with the dorsal fin of my stuffed animal dolphin.’
The Mr-Bobby-As-A-Fake Nobby
‘This isn’t so much a masturbation story as a tale of a sex game gone wrong. My kinky ex-girlfriend decided it would be fun to blindfold me, tie me spread-eagled on our bed, then use different household objects to stroke my privates or insert them into my vagina, and have me guess what each of them was.
‘It started off well, as she buzzed my bits with an electric toothbrush, but then I felt her push a smooth plastic thing inside me that was about six inches long. I instantly knew what it was: a collectable figurine of Mr. Blobby. She was a massive fan of the TV show Noel Edmonds’ House Party, and I’d bought the toy for her as a gift. Being able to immediately identify a Blobby-shaped mass using just the muscles of my vaginal walls was a sexual low point for me.’
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