Debrief Staff | Contributing Writer | Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Hermione And The Sorting Hat And Other Very Weird FanFiction Pairings

Hermione And The Sorting Hat And Other Very Weird FanFiction Pairings

The Debrief: NSFW. Also, Not Suitable For Life. Read on for some pretty weird shit

 The internet's a pretty special place isn't it? One wrong turn and you can find yourself knee-deep in stuff you wish you never knew existed.

Anyways, with the news today that Kelly Marcel, the screenwriter for 50 Shades Of Grey has admitted that the process 'broke her heart' due to the rejection of many of her ideas, we got to thinking about just how bad sex writing can actually be. Pretty damn bad it turns out. Here's some of the weirdest, most messed up fanfic concepts we've come across on the internet.

Hermione and The Sorting Hat

Turns out that mouldy old hat is quite the randy old gent.

'Hermione awoke from her shocked state. "What are you talking about? This is crazy! You can't shag anyone, you're a hat."

The sorting hat came fact to fact with Hermione, his stitched eyes boring into hers. "Don't knock it till you've tried it. I can do things to you that no wizard your age can imagine."

"That's disgusting! You're disgusting!" Hermione admonished. "I'm going to tell Dumbledore."

"You wanna see where my penis is?" The sorting hat offered.'

Then he basically scrunches down and reveals a willy that bounces around a lot. Read the rest here.

Hogwarts and the giant squid

As in, the building, and the squid that lives in the lake. Yeah

'"I'll go slow. I promise." He (The Squid) began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.

Another sigh swept through the halls of Hogwarts. "Oh, Merlin. That feels so good." His rapture turned to fright as he felt a tentacle work its way into a second window. "I don't--"

"Trust me. It'll feel good. Remember this?" He pulled the suction cups a little harder and Hogwarts groaned.'

Then Hogwarts has a crisis of conscience about whether the other wizarding schools will judge him. Read the rest here.

Don Draper, a computer, and an old lady

This one really is very weird.

'(Don) was pissed because he had to go to work today instead of do cool shit like ride (a) motorbike. Then an old ass lady came up to Don Draper and said "Hey fuckface I got a story for you."

She looked like the lady from Holes (we think he means the movie??) BUT IT WASN'T HER OK? OK. "Yeah what is it I'm busy." Don said and burned his cigarette in her eyes. "Aaaaah Don you bastard I'm blind."

Don went to his office and locked the door. He loaded up some sex on his compy and waxed his crank for like six fucking hours.

Read the rest of this illegible madness here. Roger shows up later and spends a lot of time naked.

Joffrey and a Jurassic Park velociraptor

Whether this is King Joffrey or not we're not sure. Either way, it's very disturbing stuff.

As he began to drool, she started to shake her hips from side to side seductively, delicately spraying him with gallons upon gallons of dinosaur sex pheromones she had in some gland that all velociraptors had but that didn't get fossilised with the rest of them because it was too soft somehow.

This piece later includes the word 'velocigina'. Read the whole thing here.

Garfield, Prince William and Kate Midldeton

In which Prince William is a villain, and Garfield is James Bond.

"It looks like your time has just run up." Quipped Garfield as he tossed Prince William into Big Ben exploding them both.

"NOOOOO." Cried out Prince William as he crashed into Big Ben for explosion.

"Good night, sweet prince." Said Garfield with cool words as he walked away.

After victory Kate Middleton ran to Garfield and embraced him with arms.

"Garfield thank you. When I was marrying him I only thought of you." Thanked Kate Middleton with gratitude.

"No problem my British biscuit. You must save me a juicy piece of your shepherd's pie." Garfield responded with flirtations.

Queen Elizabeth then offers Garfield the post of Honourary King of England. But Garfield doesn't want it. Read the rest of the wild ride here.

Like this? Then you might also be interested in:

Where Are All The Other Harry Potter Characters Now?

It’s (Erotic) World Book Day - Here’s Some Filth

Forget Serial, Here Are The Best SEX Podcasts Out Right Now...

Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

Tags: Sex, Nostalgia