9 Weird Animal Sex Facts That'll Blow Your Tiny Mind
The Debrief: Never has human sex seemed so mundane
Sex is weird, right? No, we’re not (just) talking about that guy you recently hooked up with, though we can talk about that later, if you like. We’re talking about the fact that the glorious animal kingdom is downright freaky when it comes to getting freaky…
1. The tiny marsupials that shag themselves to death
The antechinus is a cute tiny marsupial that looks like a cartoon baby mouse. These little fellas reach sexual maturity at around one year old, then do as much sex, for as long and with as much gusto as they can, while their bodies fall apart. Like, literally. They go at it so hard and so much that their ligaments erode, their fur falls out and then, having run many sex marathons, they die, a husk of a shell of their former selves. But at least they had loads of sex.
TL; DR – A creature so irrepressibly horny that it literally fucks itself to death.
2. The barnacles that just chuck their sperm out into the ocean, on spec
Need to pass on your genes, but there are no willing sperm recipients in the area? Make like a barnacle (and other sea weirdos) and do a thing called ‘spermcasting’. They just send their sperm out on the current and, like a very trusting sailor, let the sea decide where it lands. It’d be romantic if it wasn’t, you know, barnacle semen.
TL; DR – Like podcasting, but with jizz. There is not, as yet, an app for this.
3. The panda that only gets horny once a year
When you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. So spare a thought for the poor female panda, who only gets her Al Green on once a year for 1-3 days. Like you staring at pics of Tom Hardy a bit more than usual mid-cycle, the female panda is suddenly well on it for up to 72 hours just before ovulation. Unfortunately, she only ovulates once a year. Bummer.
TL; DR – We are legitimately amazed pandas aren’t extinct yet.
4. The moonwalking bird
Let’s lay off the heavy biology for a hot second, and take a look at this really cute bird, the manakin, that does the actual moonwalk to impress a female into hooking up. Bless.
TL; DR – JUST LOOK AT IT!!!
5. The bee whose dick falls off inside you
Imagine if you had a nice bit of casual sex with a man and then the man WhatsApps you the next day like, ‘Erm, I think my dick might have fallen off and become a plug inside your vagina in order to trap my seed, that you may become pregnant with my offspring.’ Well done, you fucked a bee. As this video shows, that is how they do it.
TL; DR – Bees’. Dicks. Detach. And. Stay. Inside. The. Bee. Vagina.
6. The rat with really ugly sperm
The naked mole rat is the ugliest animal on the planet. Even uglier than your mate’s shit little dog. And guess what! Its sperm is ugly, too! A recent study found that the majority of this ugly bugger’s jizz soldiers are misshapen, deformed and, frankly, as substandard as sperm can be without it being entirely useless.
TL; DR – Ugly sperms. Soz, naked mole rat. Sucks 2 b u.
7. The dolphins that get STIs
Dolphins get STIs like all the time. Specifically, Atlantic bottlenose dolphins are prone to genital warts. This is just one of the many reasons why you shouldn’t go near them – unless you want to have to answer, ‘How was your holiday?’ with, ‘Got the clap off of a dolphin, thanks.’
TL; DR – the sea is a roiling mass of STDs, thanks to dolphins.
8. The stabby male bedbug
Reason #1,000 why bedbugs are gross: the male bedbug just stabs the female bedbug in the body with his dick, squirts his horrible bedbug jizz in there, and hopes it finds its way. Jesus.
TL; DR – bedbugs are the worst. Even to each other.
9. The alligator with a constant boner
And finally, spare a thought for the poor male alligator, who spends his entire life with a boner. Unlike most other animals, who get erections through the engorgement of soft tissue via bloodflow (phwoar!), an alligator’s cock is made of layers of collagen, and as it neither expands or contracts, it is always ready to go.
TL; DR – alligators are like that boy from your geography class who always had his backpack on his lap.
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