10 Great Things About Having A Massive Bush
The Debrief: They keep you warm in winter and protect against a sunburnt fanny: why we love hair down there?
Big and hairy is generally considered a good thing when it comes to the male anatomy. An unruly lady garden? Not so much. Despite Gwyneth and Cameron’s recent support for ‘rocking a ’70s vibe’ south of the navel, the full bush continues to receive a bad rep. Waxing evangelists claim hair down there is itchy, unhygienic and anything but feminine. One Brazilian-obsessed friend is so committed to her monthly bush extraction, she’s started using her waxer’s name as a verb: ‘Can’t chat this eve, am getting Michelle-d’.
Well, I’m here to call BS on all the big muff myths out there. A vagina in its natural state is happier, healthier and a hell of a lot less expensive than its glabrous counterparts. Plus, I spin twice a week, ladies – have seen enough gym changing rooms to know we’re not grooming as often as we let on. Here are ten reasons why it’s OK to be pro Bush.
1. Could you be arsed waxing?
It’s cold, it’s dark, you’ve had a crappy day at work. You nip into Boots for some baby wipes to freshen up your bits because you didn’t have time to shower that morning, before legging it to the beauticians. You’re late, the therapist’s pissed at you, you start to stress-sweat. You’re rushed in, take your clothes off (you’re wearing a million layers), get the deed done, put your clothes back on, head home… AAAHHH! I’m exhausted just writing this. You could have watched six episodes of Girls season one in the time it took someone to hack away at your hoo-ha.
2. Big bushes lessen the pain of a sunburnt crotch
Before my holiday in Portugal last summer, I decided to try the Brazilian on for size. BIG mistake. After a couple of glasses of vinho verde, I was snoozing happily by the hotel pool in the starfish position. I woke up several hours later with the heat of all the suns in all the universes penetrating my newly hairless genitals, and spent the rest of the trip straddling an aloe vera stalk. Gives a whole new meaning to the word ‘firecrotch’.
3. If you’re an actress, they’re more likely to get you work in period dramas
So you thought the dancers Nucky beds in Boardwalk Empire were chosen for their acting credentials? Hah! It was the authenticity of their muffs that secured them the roles. If you’re serious about your craft, make like De Niro and inhabit the part in every way.
4. Hair is there for a reason
Let me hit you with some science. Regular genital hair removal increases the risk of infection. Some clinicians even claim that freshly shaved pubic areas are more vulnerable to herpes and other STIs. A bush in all its natural glory cushions against friction that can cause skin abrasion, and offers protection from bacteria. So, that’s the unhygienic argument well and truly debunked.
5. Muffs keep you warm in winter
OK, this one’s a bit more tenuous, but say you were off to Russia for a winter break and it’s like, minus 38 degrees, you’ll need to layer up, right? Save yourself the expense of thermal pants and grow your own heat insulation.
6. Pubes are a feminist issue
Not all feminists subscribe to the ‘let hair roam free’ theory, but surely there’s something wonderfully defiant about not bowing to the pressure to de-fuzz? Thigh gaps, armpit shaving, hair dye, make-up: the grooming demands on modern women are exhausting, not to mention one-sided. Sadly, we can’t always get away with not making an effort when it comes to what’s on show, but having a big bush is like your own private ‘Fuck you’ to the world.
7. Waxing is expensive
On average, a Brazilian will set you back around £30. Do it once a month and this works out at £360 a year. That could buy you a pair of kick-ass Sophia Webster heels or enough chia seeds to sustain your Deliciously Ella glow for the next three years.
8. A hairy vagina stops you from peeing all over the place
Ever tried urinating after a Hollywood?
9. A surprising number of men love them
This somewhat flies in the face of the feminist argument, but a lot of men claim to dig the natural look. An untampered-with muff suggests total body confidence and there’s nothing sexier than a woman who doesn’t give a damn.
10. Waxing HURTS
So you see, the full bush ain’t really all that bad. That’s not to say a bit of maintenance isn’t required from time to time. It’s common courtesy to whoever’s going down on you to keep things reasonably in check. Just don’t do it with kitchen scissors, as one friend recently told me while I was having supper at hers. I’m all for great, big, trimmed bush. Just not in my courgetti, thanks.
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Picture: Eylul Aslan
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