Here's The Worst Possible Ways To End Your Relationship
The Debrief: Zayn did it via text. But that's definitely not the worst way.
And so the One Direction saga lumbers on. Appparently, Zayn Malik, the band’s erstwhile fifth member, broke up with fiancee Perrie (her from Little Mix) via a text message.
Whether or not it’s true, text message break-ups are pretty low, but there are definitely worse ways to give someone the heave ho...
We might understand Emojis better than we understand actual words now (no really, scientists actually proved this) but there’s still a few things that are better communicated using the English language rather than by ‘pointing finger’, ‘smiling poo’ and ‘toilet’.
Whether or not you add ‘smiling face with sunglasses’ afterwards in a new text is dependent on how much of a smug bastard you want to be.
With a wedding invitation
Because nothing says, ‘We’re definitely not dating any more’ than an invitation to a ceremony to celebrate your significant other committing his life to his significant other.
The real kicker? Your invitation doesn’t include a plus one, and it’s just for the evening do. Want some ice for that burn?
Moving to Yemen
If Miss Chanandler Bong taught us one thing, it’s that leaving your friends, family, job and life behind is far preferable to having an awkward conversation about whether or not you want to be with someone any more.
Maybe you don’t have to move somewhere as extreme as Yemen, but at least pick somewhere that your soon-to-be-ex can’t get a £9.99 RyanAir flight to. Like St Petersburg.
Sure, the human rights record is questionable, but at least you’ll avoid having to say, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’.
At the beginning of a holiday
Sheer stupidity on your part. There’s no-one who’s so unbearable to be around that you can’t wait five more days to give them the old heave ho. So, leave it until you land back at Luton airport to make your move.
Actually, scratch that. Taxis back from Luton are expensive. Wait until you’re back home.
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At work? With your gran?
You might want to think about the fact you're about to read something that wouldn't exactly get a PG rating